I don't even know where to begin.
I quit blogging. Not on purpose. Not forever.
My life is just so FULL right now.
Full to the brim...and overflowing several times a day.
Just when I think I have things under control....my kids wake up from a nap and teach me that "control" was something of my past:)
Today I panicked.
Life is TOO Full right now. I am missing it.
Have you ever felt physically present for something...but like you were missing it at the same time?
It's as though I am unable to enjoy special moments...because I am already dreading it's passing.
...and as result...my heart is overflowing.
It's overflowing with gratitude that they are mine. That I get to stay home with them and be the one who experiences the everyday! Overflowing with happiness that I don't ever miss a milestone, a smile, an opportunity to teach them or cuddle them. It's also overflowing with sadness that I don't have the luxury of a "pause" button or even a "rewind" button in order to re-live the perfect moments over and over. Like this week when Mason learned to crawl and I started sifting through the archives of my brain trying to remember the tiny baby who COULDN'T MOVE! I almost couldn't remember it. I had to dig through pictures and stare at them for several minutes straight just to REMEMBER that moment and mentally re-live those days that are now long gone. My heart is overflowing with questions....will these be my last babies? Will I ever experience THIS stage again? If not, how do I find a magical way to SOAK IT UP even more so than I already am!
It's also overflowing with Insecurities. Often times I can't remember who "Kristin" even is.
What do I enjoy? What are my hobbies...talents...interestes?
I have been in full blown "MOM OF MULTIPLES MODE" for almost a year now...and my eyebrows haven't even seen a pair of tweezers people! I don't even look in a mirror most days. For example, I found some time to workout a few weeks back....and I had to drink a 44 ounce Dr. Pepper just to stay awake on the treadmill:)
Life is OVERFLOWING in so many ways...some good and some bad.
Don't get me wrong...
I love life to be FULL...full of happy moments, stressful moments, BABIES and more BABIES, church callings, a Kindergartener (which brings with it a list a mile long: learning to read, Saturday basketball games, soccer starting soon, tumbling, playgroup and constant begging for me to drop what I'm doing and play the Wii) birthday parties, teething, crawling and more. Much more.
But over the past week I recognized something...
Amidst the BUSY Overflowing life that TWINS and being a mother of three creates... I have lost BALANCE.
Balance is KEY to being a woman.
At least....a freaking hormonal one...which would be me:) Hello...my name is Kristin.
My years of infertility taught me something....I didn't get the CHOICE about my hormones or my chemical makeup and I don't get to change it....I get to embrace it. Although, I hate the idea....I KNOW that accepting it and learning to understand what I NEED to keep functioning is key to my happiness (and as a result, my families happiness:)
For me...that is BALANCE.
When things start getting insane for Jarom at work and I don't see him often enough, when I overschedule Jaxson or myself, when I commit to TOO much, when I don't give 100% of my efforts to things that matter to me....I start to feel stress build up inside and it slowly accumulates until I BURST. Jarom will tell you....being at my house on the day it all comes OVERFLOWING is not fun. Enter..this past weekend. Ugh.
So tonight while my entire family is sleeping...I am wide awake...trying to evaluate life and re-prioritize.
I am making a list of things that MATTER...to ME.
Things I want to learn.
Things I need to CUT from my life so I can spend more time being truly present.
Brainstorming ways that I can find "ME" time without being selfish or neglectful of my children.
I know it sounds crazy....but that is a BIG hangup that I have.
(obviously why I am so terrible at Balance:)
I give 100% of myself to a cause...and right now that is my children. They are young and need me more than ever...so I willingly give it to them.
The only problem....I KNOW that I would be a better mother if I could convince my brain that it is OK to do something I like on occasion....or do something for myself. (I must need therapy...because even typing it or saying it ouloud sounds so gross:):) So selfish.
I have a few ideas of where to begin.
Baby steps...baby steps....
What do you do for yourself?????