Sunday, March 17, 2013

overflowing..

I don't even know where to begin.
 
I quit blogging. Not on purpose. Not forever. 
 
My life is just so FULL right now.
 
Full to the brim...and overflowing several times a day.
 
Just when I think I have things under control....my kids wake up from a nap and teach me that "control" was something of my past:)
 
Today I panicked.
 
Life is TOO Full right now. I am missing it.
Have you ever felt physically present for something...but like you were missing it at the same time?
 
It's as though I am unable to enjoy special moments...because I am already dreading it's passing.
 
...and as result...my heart is overflowing.
 
 It's overflowing with gratitude that they are mine. That I get to stay home with them and be the one who experiences the everyday! Overflowing with happiness that I don't ever miss a milestone, a smile, an opportunity to teach them or cuddle them. It's also overflowing with sadness that I don't have the luxury of a "pause" button or even a "rewind" button in order to re-live the perfect moments over and over. Like this week when Mason learned to crawl and I started sifting through the archives of my brain trying to remember the tiny baby who COULDN'T MOVE! I almost couldn't remember it. I had to dig through pictures and stare at them for several minutes straight just to REMEMBER that moment and mentally re-live those days that are now long gone. My heart is overflowing with questions....will these be my last babies? Will I ever experience THIS stage again? If not, how do I find a magical way to SOAK IT UP even more so than I already am!
 
It's also overflowing with Insecurities. Often times I can't remember who "Kristin" even is.
What do I enjoy? What are my hobbies...talents...interestes?
 
I have been in full blown "MOM OF MULTIPLES MODE" for almost a year now...and my eyebrows haven't even seen a pair of tweezers people! I don't even look in a mirror most days. For example, I  found some time to workout a few weeks back....and I had to drink a 44 ounce Dr. Pepper just to stay awake on the treadmill:)
 
Life is OVERFLOWING in so many ways...some good and some bad.
 
 
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Don't get me wrong...
 
I love life to be FULL...full of happy moments, stressful moments, BABIES and more BABIES, church callings, a Kindergartener (which brings with it a list a mile long: learning to read, Saturday basketball games, soccer starting soon, tumbling, playgroup and constant begging for me to drop what I'm doing and play the Wii) birthday parties, teething, crawling and more. Much more.  
 
But over the past week I recognized something...
 
Amidst the BUSY Overflowing life that TWINS and being a mother of three creates... I have lost BALANCE.
 
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Balance is KEY to being a woman.
At least....a freaking hormonal one...which would be me:) Hello...my name is Kristin. 
 
My years of infertility taught me something....I didn't get the CHOICE about my hormones or my chemical makeup and I don't get to change it....I get to embrace it. Although, I hate the idea....I KNOW that accepting it and learning to understand what I NEED to keep functioning is key to my happiness (and as a result, my families happiness:)
 
For me...that is BALANCE.
 
When things start getting insane for Jarom at work and I don't see him often enough, when I overschedule Jaxson or myself, when I commit to TOO much, when I don't give 100% of my efforts to things that matter to me....I start to feel stress build up inside and it slowly accumulates until I BURST. Jarom will tell you....being at my house on the day it all comes OVERFLOWING is not fun. Enter..this past weekend. Ugh.
 
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So tonight while my entire family is sleeping...I am wide awake...trying to evaluate life and re-prioritize.
 
I am making a list of things that MATTER...to ME.
Things I want to learn.
Things I need to CUT from my life so I can spend more time being truly present.
Brainstorming ways that I can find "ME" time without being selfish or neglectful of my children.
 
I know it sounds crazy....but that is a BIG hangup that I have.
 (obviously why I am so terrible at Balance:)
 
I give 100% of myself to a cause...and right now that is my children. They are young and need me more than ever...so I willingly give it to them.
 
The only problem....I KNOW that I would be a better mother if I could convince my brain that it is OK to do something I like on occasion....or do something for myself. (I must need therapy...because even typing it or saying it ouloud sounds so gross:):) So selfish.
 
---
 
I have a few ideas of where to begin.
Baby steps...baby steps....
 
 
What do you do for yourself?????
 
xoxo
kristin
 
 


7 comments:

Melissa Campbell said...

You sound just like me! You put it perfectly!

The Wells Family said...

oh my word. you are def. not alone. my heart and thoughts are overflowing with words on this very topic. i could write a novel. i know every mom feels the same way. it is so hard to step away and realize that my kids can experience things without ME. for example, last friday night, there was a group of families getting together for dinner and playtime at a great park. my husband just happen to be home (he is NEVER home!). i was SO exhausted after a LONG week and the thought of being around more little people made me cry. i stayed home while my family went. it was painful because i felt like i should be there to make memories. right? they had a grand time without me...and i actually enjoyed my three hours of solace. and you know what? one kid was a breeze...adding another for me was a disaster. my ocd/control freak mode could not handle it...and i had to go on medication. i can handle things much better now, but it is still hard... life is getting easier now and i am trying to find "me" again. and lastly, having lived in utah for most of my life...and now living away from it...i can say that living in utah is really hard. everyone is so competitive and there is so much pressure to be perfect. it is hard. i could go on! give yourself credit for the good that you do and realize that you ARE doing a really great job and doing a really hard job. :)

The Wells Family said...

and i meant "doing a really great job AT doing a really hard job!"

US! said...

Most moms have been in a similar situation to yours, including myself. One day, when Faith was about 2 months old, I was talking to one of my really good friends about my situation. Seeking advice... She has been in my situation and now has 5.. FIVE boys and watches her infant nephew. (I have no idea how she hasn't gone crazy) She said when she had her second child she went through my same feelings. Her mom gave her some AMAZING advice that sounds soooo cliche. Every day do three things. Serve your family, serve yourself and serve another. It was worth a try right? We as mothers are serving our families every day so that one was easy, serving someone else wasn't too bad, it's usually something simple like sending a thank you letter to someone or dropping off a candy bar to a friend. Serving myself was/is the very hardest.. I take a half an hour of nap time and take a break... No cleaning.. No paying bills.. No getting ready for the day. Just simply me time. Sometimes I take a nap, sometimes I read, sometimes I make MY favorite snack, craft or just zone out. It has totally given me a sense of satisfaction. My house isn't always clean when Brian gets home (most of the time it isn't) but I'm happier. I also get together with a group of friends from my ward every month. We rotate houses and have a theme for the food. It's a judgement free night where we laugh and cry. Brian MAKES me go to ladies night because he sees how happy I am. He knows he has to be home at a certain time to take the kids on ladies night and he also knows that I have no curfew. We have an understanding. It's fantastic.

Ginger said...

I get regular pedicures on Saturdays...usually about once a month. I also go to the gym 3-4 days a week right when Tyler gets home from work. It's a hard thing but if I wait until it's late I don't go...I'm usually only gone an hour. Sometimes I miss dinner on these nights which I feel guilty about but then again exercise is important too...ugh it's a hard balance. And I go to a book club once a month. It's at 8:00 so my kids are usually in bed by the time I go but it's so fun to sit around with a bunch of girls and eat yummy food and socialize. My husband is amazing....like really.

Bren + Lucy said...

An inspirational story of vuilnerability and overcoming adversity
thanks for having the courage to share

Mentoring Life Coach
Sober Blog
Self Help Recovery
Twelve Step Books

All the best
for the future
Bren

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