Sunday, September 23, 2012

Full Circle...

Last year...at this time...I was a basket case.
 I was in the middle of IVF..and CONSUMED with all the "what-ifs" that surrounded my future. I didn't know how things would turn out...or IF they would EVER turn out how I so desperately wanted them to. I would sob at night and ask Jarom..."What IF it's not supposed to happen!" "What IF I never have another baby!" "I'll die Jarom...I'll just die!!"
(I'm not sure why...but when overly emotional..I tend to be a tad over dramatic as well:) ha!

***
I was in a constant state of stress....just trying so hard to find a way to be "content" in the midst of so much I couldn't control. 

My babies are such little Miracles...have I said that before?

No really....they were made in a DISH. Then grew in a lab for 5 days. Then were placed in my tummy.
And they turned out this perfectly perfect.
(see below)

 I tell Jarom daily that I am living my DREAM. I truly mean it everytime.
When something is sooooo out of reach for so long...you never take it for granted.
Every minute with them...even the crazy ones...are worth it.

---

The only time I question if it was TRULY worth it is when I get out of the shower and see my reflection in the bathroom mirror. OH MY GOODNESS. It's like a horror movie.
It's easily fixed though...I just don't put my contacts in until I'm showered and fully dressed;)
CAN'T SEE A THING. Works like a charm.

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THIS YEAR....one year later...I am waking up to these TWO little miracles.
I am nursing London as I type this...cuddled in my bed with her and my laptop balancing on my lap:)
It's my idea of heaven.

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I spend the mornings with them in the double stroller (while Jaxson is entertained at Kindergarten)...walking around the neighborhood watching the leaves change and FALL come again.

***
It's amazing how things come FULL CIRCLE and how at that moment you realize...
"Now I get it....things were always supposed to be this way."

I don't think I could have planned it any better myself.
I should have had more FAITH in the fact that HE knows exactly what's best...even though, at times, we think WE DO.

(oh my...if you aren't laughing out loud at this picture you're nuts!! They are too funny)
I vividly remember getting this advice:
"You need to learn to be content no matter what. Even if you never have more children."
To which I  obviously refused. ha!

I actually wanted to tell them to take their positivity and shove it where the sun don't shine....but that wouldn't have been ladylike of me..now would it?!?

 I wasn't ready or willing to accept it. I knew I had more children waiting for me....and now that I know my Mason and London...I can definitely FEEL it. I can FEEL that they've been mine for much longer than 4 months.

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I am so glad I didn't give up...like I was occasionally told to do.
I knew that life would be Easier if I just "accepted" it (it being that I may never have more children) and move forward....but he never said life would be Easy. Right?
----
  
I am so happy and fulfilled these days. It is such an amazing feeling to have your prayers answered. It is very humbling and rewarding to feel like all of your hard work and sacrifice have paid off and everything has finally come Full Circle.
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This time of year is extra special for me.
1- On September 11th it marks ONE YEAR since I started my Lupron injections to prepare my body for pregnancy.
2- On October 8th it marks ONE YEAR since my egg retrieval (glad that day is behind me:). Don't worry...they only put me to sleep and injected a needle into my over-stimulated grapefruit sized ovaries to retrieve 9 eggs:) I waddled for a week. I only say this...because I am certain that not one man on the planet reads this blog. If they do...(they just closed the browser and threw up in their mouth:) which is good. 

3- On October 8th it marks ONE YEAR from the day my eggs were fertilized:)
MEANING on October 8th little Mason and London were being made in a dish.
See...Miracles happen.

4- On October 13th it marks ONE YEAR from the day my 2 little embryo's (again...My little Mason and London) were placed in my tummy (I literally cringe at the word uterus..it's so ugly) and I prayed like never before they would attach and stay there:)

***
THEN I waited 2 long weeks.
Hardest wait of my life.

***
5- On October 25th it marks ONE YEAR from the day I got the call.
The call that confirmed I was indeed pregnant after 2 long years of trying.
I also got the extra exciting news that there was most likely MORE THAN ONE baby:)

These dates are part of me now.
When you struggle with infertility...TIME and the passing of Time completely change for you. 
I have been lost in thought so much lately about Infertility and how much it's a part of me.
I was pregnant...I had TWINS...I have a slew of children to take care of these days and I had to buy a massive SUV to load around the carseats and strollers and GEAR they need:)
However, INFERTILITY was and still is the biggest part of my life.  It never goes away.

***
I pass women everywhere...especially ones with multiples and I wonder what they went through to get them. I don't always "assume" they came naturally or easy. I don't always assume their parents didn't have to try...or sacrifice...or plead for help and faith and strength to do their part.
Infertility changes you.
Forever.
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Jarom and I were talking about how MANY people are affected by it.
Sometimes you feel alone when you're in the middle of it all....feeling like your freedom and "choice" has been robbed from you. Just this week I have talked with 4 different women who have had infertility treatments of varying degrees. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not.
It's absolutely heartbreaking to talk with someone when a recent treatment didn't work.
(I had almost 6 of those experiences. Trying...and failing. Trying and failing.)
It's almost impossible, when you're right in the middle of the trial, to completely rely on FAITH IN THE LORD'S TIMING.
Yesterday I ran into a darling new friend who had Twin boys in May!! (Hi michelle:)
Our stories are so similar it's crazy!!
On Thursday I had an instant connection with a girl...who just tried IVF for the second time. It failed. Even though everything went smoothly and there was no reason at all for it.
I have had emails from people starting IVF in a few short weeks!

I have touched base with SOOO many friends this week who have this one TRIAL in common with me: INFERTILITY. They are all at different stages of the process...but they are TRYING. They continue to try because they know what soooooo many people on this planet can't figure out.
Our famlies and OUR children are why we are here. They matter more than anything else. They matter more than how we look, how much "stuff" we have, how much money we have, how many vacations we get to go on.  
They make life worth living.
They are all we can take with us.
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Lately my happiness has been mixed with some guilt. When I see friends and other families struggling with infertility and I am balancing a baby on each hip...I want to burst into tears. Only someone who has been through it can truly know the deep feelings and thoughts involved.

I was so genuinely happy for friends when they got pregnant. My friend Jamie struggled with infertility for years alongside me. We talked, we cried, we vented. Then in April I had major surgery to remove cysts on my ovaries and she spontaneously got pregnant:) I have never shed more tears of happiness for someone in my life! I have never shed more tears of dispair for myself in my life!

I was so happy for her. I was so scared that it may never happen for me. For Jarom. For Jaxson.

---
There I stood last week at a baby shower...talking to a girl whose second round of IVF just failed...and I was juggling TWO babies in my arms. I could literally feel my heart breaking for her.
She looked me in the eye and told me how absolutely thrilled she was for me.
I knew she meant it.
We agreed that whether it works out for you or NOT...infertility UNITES you and forces an instant connection. It's one of those bittersweet moments in life...when you recognize that this TRIAL helped refine you and teach you lessons and compassion you could not have otherwise learned....but you still want to scream that it's happening.

***
Lots of people think that my Infertility journey has ended! I had TWINS...I got my boy and my girl...perfect scenario. I should be happy and content, right?
The truth: it will never end.

Before suffering with Infertility I thought I would have 5-6 children. I wanted a house full! I wanted to make sure that I always had someone visiting or coming home for Christmas. I wanted to spend my life consumed in my children and their children:) It was my CHOICE. Until I found out it wasn't.

Infertility robs me of that choice. Therefore, I feel like it's as much a part of my life NOW as it was before my little miracle angels;) The joy in life is CHOOSING....having the feeling that you want another child...and being able to make it happen. Things don't happen and won't happen quite like that for me:)

---

Sometimes I don't feel like my family is complete yet.
Everytime I nurse London...or Mason smiles at me and tries to eat my face....I get the feeling I have more little ones waiting for me.  I am scared. I don't want to do it all again. The drugs..the sickness..the possible heartbreak. But I will. I will do whatever I have to...just like before:)

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This time around I am truly enjoying and cherishing everything.
Everyday I am desparately trying to be conscious of the "WHY" in all of this.
I am trying to learn and gain what I am supposed to from this journey.
Maybe it is to help others through it. 
Maybe it is to gain more appreciation for the simple things that so many mothers take for granted.
When London smiles...I stop what I'm doing and pick her up and smother her. When Mason wakes up from his nap...I smell him and hold him and play with him and kiss on him more than humanly necessary. I take pictures of everything.

FOR example...when I took the Twins 4 month pictures today....Jarom said to me..."I can't wait until tomorrow when you take their 4 month and 1 day pictures!"

JERK.
haha!!

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I feel soooo excited and happy picking out their halloween costumes or like my heart is going to burst while picking out London's Christmas dress....and I recognize HIS HAND in all of it.
I had FAITH that it would happen if it was supposed to....I had just lost HOPE that it was supposed to happen at all.  Elder Deiter F. Uchdorf wrote a beautiful talk about FAITH AND HOPE that I suggest you read!! Anyone....especially those going through infertility.
I always had FAITH that it COULD HAPPEN....I just lost HOPE that it WOULD at times.
 His talk helped me find that Hope again. It helped me view things differently.
---
It's so important to keep that hope.
It's important to keep trying and listen to your heart.
  
 *
*
*

The best things in life don't come easy.
but
They are oh so worth it in the end.

xoxo
Kristin

11 comments:

Cris, Callie, and Cayten said...

Kristin, your posts are always so beautifully written! I don't suffer from infertility, however, I think we all have our own trials that make us feel EXACTLY the same way. I have faith that something in my life will happen, but I have LOST the hope that it will or that I can make it happen. THANK YOU for your post, here's to hoping I can make my dreams come true too!

Bobi Jensen said...

What a great post. I struggled with infertility for two years prior to having our four kids. Every trial I go through has never held a candle to that feeling for those two years that I might never have children of my own. All I ever dreamed of was being a mom, not a career. I ended up with a career just because I couldn't be a mom :). I feel guilty even using the word infertility because I know people look at me with my four close together and think I just don't get it. But it does change the way you view everything.

Bobi
http://westernwarmth.blogspot.com

Jamie said...

Those little miracle babies are precious Kristin! Just perfect!

Ally said...

So glad you got your miracles. They are so lucky to have you!! Just think of the gratitude they will have for you always; and even more when they experience the magic someday!

There are no words. (and they are adorable!)

xo

Sabrina J. Shy said...

Amen. You have such a clear way of explaining things and I hope that your dream of a large family will come true.

The Christensens said...

I love this post... brought tears to my eyes.. I to find myself with this baby of mine trying to make a concious effort to enjoy EVERY little thing!!! Your babies are so precious, and your story is so inspiring.. I have clients that are going through infertility issues and It breaks my heart... I love your positive attitude.. you are such an amazing person!!!

Michelle said...

Kristin oh my, I love you! You are my very own freaking twin! I am sobbing right now over what you wrote...pretty much sums up my life and my own feelings last year, and yes I am very dramatic too..haha. I still get a super emotional feeling when I hear someone is prego just like that...weird, I know. It's like the infertility bug is there forever. I want to give every girl that ever has to go through the want of a baby so bad a gigantic hug and tell her it will be all worth it and will be a learning experience too. Thank you for writing this. And I love seeing pictures of your twins. Can your beautiful girl marry one of my boys;)

Mckade.Stacie.Navie said...

I loved this post. I have a good friend who I feel like has your exact same life. A little boy Jaxon's age and she just had twins after years of trying. One boy and one girl. We just spent hours talking about her infertility and her little miracles and it blew my mind learning everything that goes into to. I know from experience that Faith in God includes Faith in his timing! Your little miracle are perfect!!! :)

Chelsea said...

I am so happy you have those sweet babies in your home!! Life is so hard, but it is also so amazingly wonderful.

Colleen said...

found your blog thru Andrea's blog. Your children are beautiful! Fellow infertility mom here too! Conceived my daughter thru iui and my son thru ivf. just wanted to say hello : )

allegra said...

reading this and sobbing!! You're amaizng girl!!!!! So glad you got those twins. They're perfect!!!