Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I can't do this.

Sometimes I wonder about my mental stability...like for the example, the day that I thought...

I could TOTALLY do Twins!
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I am trying....really really hard most days...but lately I don't feel like it's enough.
I fully recognize that I am too hard on myself. I mean...I have had these babies home for 5.5 weeks. I shouldn't necessarily have it all figured out...but I sure wish I did:) The perfectionist side of me is learning the definition of "chaos".
Like today when I called Jarom and had a complete 15 minutes of venting without coming up for air. I mean...I would occasionally stop to let him say "uh-huh"...just to make sure he was listening...but other than that I was freaking out like a professional whiner:)

I've been pooped on 4 times today.
Barfed on twice (thank heavens for Mason's surgery...or it would be 200)
I have nursed 12 different times
pumped 4 times
sterilized bottles twice
did 1 Large load of pooped on laundry
changed 12 diapers
&
the TRUTH is I didn't complain about any of that.

What made me "worked up" was that 5.5 weeks after bringing my babies home I am still adjusting to the "change" and all that it brings. I guess that I figured (hoped/prayed/wished) that I would know what in the crap I was doing by now. Nope. Not really.

These babies rule my world.
London totally knows that I will hold her the entire day if she cries. I will. I'm in love...even if I know it's ruining her and therefore...my life/freedom.

Mason-well the kid is irresistable. He smells like heaven. It reminds me of Jaxson sooo much. He hiccups and I think that he needs his mommy to rock him back to sleep.
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Life is nuts.
but, Oh my goodness they are worth it.
SOOOO worth it.

I mean you should meet my little Mason. His eyes could just kill you. He is hilarious and already has an infectious personality. I comment to Jarom on a daily basis that I can't wait to see what he's going to be like when he grows up! Anyone who meets him is smitten within minutes. My little London has some serious competition for attention!!
 Even my sister says..."I don't have a favorite...I don't....but I LOVE MACER!"
That little boy is enough to make me melt. I want to eat him up.

My little London is noisy! That girl is constantly grunting and stretching. She is chubby and has officially doubled her birth weight. Wahoo:) She LOVES to nurse and when she is hungry she will smack her lips! It is my favorite:) She is already figuring out how to swipe at her headband and pull it off/down. oooooohhhh...we will be breaking her of that habit:) She is also more fun to dress than I care to admit. She has worn a new outfit everyday of her little life. I always knew girls were dangerous...but oh my word. Thank goodness I don't have the ability to leave the house or the time to shop...because I can easily see how having a girl could be the most expensive thing to ever happen to Jarom:) Even worse than me.

These babies are worth everything.

but...
I  recognize that I am spending less than .000002 seconds on myself each day and I am truly seeing why they say.."You can't take care of someone else until you take care of yourself."
So today I vocalized my new daily goals (to Jarom...like 100 times)
1. Get some kind of exercise each day (even just a walk around the block)
2. Shower (do I deserve an hour?!? YES)
3. Cook Dinner for my family.
Does that really sound like too much to ask?????
I mean....GEEZ.

(For the record...these three things will never happen...but they are my GOAL!)
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I seriously don't feel like I'm doing anything WELL these days.
We are just surviving.

Tonight I went to bed and thought....
1. we are all fed (for the next 2 hours at least)
2. we are all alive

Success!!!
Is it sad that I was proud of myself because I achieved "Keeping us ALIVE"?!?!

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I climbed into bed and flipped on the TV.
A show about moms with multiples is on. I LOVE to watch these now. Something about watching pure chaos in other people's lives makes me feel better about my own:) haha.

I am...at this very moment....watching an episode about 3 different mother's that have quadruplets.

ok...
I take it all back.

My life is Cake.

xoxo
kristin


p.s. one of the moms just said this..."DO you know how I get my kids to listen to me in public?...I keep m&m's in my purse! I'm just certain there is some phychologist somewhere that would tell me how badly I'm screwing up. Ya know what I would tell them?? IT WORKS!"

amen.

3 comments:

Callie said...

I remember feeling that way after each child and I got them one at a time! I can only imagine the "fun" that having multiples brings. Your babies are beautiful and have one of the best mom's out there. Hang in there :) it has taken me almost 7 months (but I am a slow learner) with my 2nd baby to figure out that I can leave the house. Thank goodness for online shopping to keep us clothed until this point! Loved reading the twins' birth story. Made me tear up.

The Austad Family said...

I have the same goals. Heck, if I can wash my hair and go to the bathroom w/o Luke crying, it's a good day by golly. You are doing awesome! Cut yourself some slack and forget the perfectionist side of you. I'm the same way and I just have to let it go. One day I'll be on top of my game again, but it's certainly not now.

Sabrina said...

ha ha, yes...girls can be expensive!

What a lucky momma you are--and I bet you still look terrific.