Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Change...

Change is hard.
I've been thinking about it....almost all day...every day:)

Even if the change is ultimately very worth it or forces you to grow and sacrifice and become better....it is hard to initially go through any kind of CHANGE.

Having twins ranks up there (in my book) with one of the hugest changes that can happen to your life. That being said...my moms darling neighbor had triplets and she is officially a SAINT in my book. She deserves anything she wants and more...because anyone who can survive that without having some kind of nervous breakdown is a walking angel:)

I, of course, didn't realize this until experiencing it first hand...but man alive....I am being pushed to my very limit. Having Multiples can make you feel complete joy and completely inadequate all at the same time.  

I posed the question in a past post...
"How many days and nights can someone go without sleep?"

The answer: 7

The adrenaline and "I must be perfect supermom" feeling I had for that first week QUICKLY took a nosedive on day 7. It was that day that I gave up my "OLD LIFE". I surrendered to the fact that I was not going to be capable of "it all". Something had to give. I was no longer going to have time to make it all happen. Somedays even getting dressed and doing my makeup was going to fall so far down on the list...it just wasn't going to happen.

While I'm changing diapers and nursing and burping and getting barfed on all day and ALL NIGHT....I can't help but think about how much has changed.  

My life has changed. Jarom's life has changed. Jaxson's life is totally UN-recognizable to it's former
"spoiled rotten...get all of the attention" life that he SOOO much enjoyed. ha!

Our freedom and relaxed and spontaneous life is gone.
Replaced with chaos and sleepless nights and a 3 hour round the clock feeding schedule.
Ya jealous???

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Before I sound negative and totally onry....I must add...

that our old life...which at times felt like something was MISSING....

is now replaced with one that feels perfectly complete.
it feels FULL and CHAOTIC and overwhelming in such a good way. 

The day that we brought our babies home from the hospital...Jaxson kept saying saying to his grandma..."There are a lot of us now. There are a lot of us now!"

He was sooo happy to have a big family.
He was sooo happy to have siblings.
He was happy and willing to give up some of the attention (ok...every last second of it) to experience something better.

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When I had Jaxson I "thought" I would be in the baby stage for a long time....or at least have several years of diapers and nap times and feeding schedules and nursing, etc. before finally having an older family and experiencing a small amount of "freedom" and "spontaneity".

Instead....my life took a different course.

I have spent the last 4 years with complete freedom pretty much.
Jaxson was our tag-along and we did everything with him.
When we didn't want the tag along....there was aunt kayla or grandma:)

The other night as I ran to the mall to buy a "nursing bra"....which by the way... was the ONE THING I've done for myself in a month....I called jarom on the drive home and said...

"hey....hop in the car and meet me at Bajio for dinner....oh...crap...I mean....ummm...I guess I will get takeout and bring it home!"

Why?
because we have three kids. WIERD!!
two of which need to be nursed...in the next 20 minutes.
3 carseats.
a diaper bag that needs to be packed before stepping foot outside the house.
2 butts to change before we leave the house
....

....and it simply isn't worth the pain:)
because by the time we did all of that and made it to Bajio...it would either be closed or we wouldn't be hungry anymore:) haha.

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Now I know why some families of 5 stay home and have pancakes for dinner...opposed to hitting Red Robin for bottomless steak fries:)

Is leaving the house ever easy again????

Please someone tell me!!!

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Things have definitely changed for the good.
BUT
I have my moments when I am frantically trying to adjust to all the changes.
I am trying to embrace them and GIVE UP the way that it used to be.

Jarom reminded me that this really really TOUGH and EXHAUSTING time is only temporary.

someday the things I loved about my old life and these wonderful additions in my new life will mesh and it will only get easier and more wonderful.

For now....I can pray repeatedly that my babies will sleep for 3 hours straight during the night and they WILL NOT GROW UP or get bigger.

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OH...I can hear London screaming her head off for food.....
Which means....I am needed in the other room!
...it's midnight and my night is just beginning!!
Fun.

xoxo

Kristin




7 comments:

mbarker said...

I have three kids - with one on the way. Jacob works long hours. It was my birthday and by darn I was going to Idle Isle!! I packed up all three kids and let them order whatever they wanted. I didn't care how many fries it took I was going to eat there. They were horribly naughty. HORRIBLE. I started crying in the restaurant and went home and cried some more. I didn't even finish my meal. Three kids is hard. Three is stressful - I don't shower or eat or sleep regular and my youngest is 18 months. BUT three is absolutely awesome and amazing. Ethan is only about a month older than Jaxon and to see him with younger siblings is totally worth it. Life returns. Normalcy returns. But your old life never returns - because it's gone! But what you have
Instead is so much better. I know you know that - but I know that sometimes its nice to be reassured by someone too.

Maranda said...

Oh Kristin! I can't imagine how hard it must be. Joel's sister(who's having triplets) has been in the hospital, on bed rest for over six weeks now! I don't know how she keeps a positive attitude! Anyone who can take on the challenge of multiples is a very special individual. Hang in there. You have such a fun, spontaneous future ahead of you with your 3 kids!

Sabrina said...

Such happy bliss. :) You're right, one day the twins will be as big as Jaxon and you might even miss the baby years...just a little.

I guess the only thing to do about change is roll with it...with a smile.

Josh and Kristen said...

Kristin, I promise you things will get easier. The first three months were so difficult for me. At my six week checkup, my doctor could see that I was about to crack and she prescribed some medication to help with the post partum depression that I was dealing with. It is perfectly natural to be very overwhelmed. You are running on no sleep, no energy, and not only have to take care of these new babies, but still have another child that needs you. Don't be afraid to accept help when offered. It's okay if your house isn't spotless because you are using what little energy you do have to take care of your kids which is far more important. By the time my twins were 3 months they were sleeping 4-5 hours and it's amazing how much more you can do with sleep! Good luck and call if you ever need to talk or vent.

Madi said...

Yes! It get's so much easier to leave the house :) You are such a lucky girl and your children are gorgeous! This time your going through can be so hard and beautiful at the same time. Just remember what your hubby said - the hard parts are only temporary :)

Amanda said...

I also have 3 kids with one on the way and it does get easier. I may not have had twins, but I have two that are 18 months apart and pretty close to being twins. Each time I had another baby it took a good 6 months to be able to get up and go, but you will get there. You just have to remember you have a NEW life now. It will NEVER be as easy as it was before, but it will get easier....hang in there!

The Wells Family said...

motherhood is just plain hard! after i had ethan, i was pacing the halls at church and a seasoned mother said to me, "with a young family, the days are long, but the years are fast." it is so true! I think about that phrase so much. we are just barely hanging on trying to keep it somewhat together with small children. we try so hard to enjoy them among the sleep deprivation and emotional exhaustion...and they grow so fast..right in front of our eyes.! all we can do is try our best....and/or succomb to medication, which is sadly what I had to resort to after baby #2. :) ethan is 2.5 yrs..and I STILL spend the majority of my days in sweats and no make-up....and it is OKAY! learning to "let go" is a hard lesson to learn....it was for me. :) it was my only survival method with a husband who works around the clock and no family close by to retreat to. you are going to survive! you are great!!