Mason & London,
One week ago today you joined our family and changed my life forever.
After living in the hospital for a month and giving you every minute of time possible to grow next to my heart.....the doctor finally decided that my body had been through enough.
You were thoroughly examined by a specialist for over and hour and I was told how beautiful and healthy and strong you were.
Of course, you weren't quite ready for life outside yet...but with time I was told that you would be PERFECT and assured that it was ok to consider MY health. I don't think it's physically possible to care more for yourself than for your child....but at that moment they weren't giving me a choice in any of it:)
I think his exact words were...
"You've done enough Kristin. They will be healthy and strong. You've done everything you can for them and it's time for YOU. It's time to let nature take it's course."
I don't remember much after that appointment other than fear....followed by a peaceful feeling that I knew you were coming...and SOON....even though you might struggle a bit when you got here.
I was scared.
I was wheeled back to my hospital room that had become very familiar and actually felt like "Home". A haven that I was scared to leave for fear that you might come before you were healthy and strong and that it would be all my fault for not holding you in.
(no matter how physicallly impossible that may be:)
I cried because I knew that he was right.
I was DONE.
My body was ready.
Even though I wished and hoped that I could let you grow for a few more weeks and be big enough to come home with me. Even though I knew being separated from you sounded like something I couldn't do....I knew he was right.
They stopped giving me the medication...the medication that had kept you from coming for almost 3.5 weeks now...and within 24 hours I was in labor.
Your birth story and the thoughts and feelings I have leading up to it will take me a few weeks to put fully into words. That day was very special to me. I knew that it could very possibly be the last time I experienced bringing a child (or two) into the world. I wanted to memorize every moment of it.
All the hours in the hospital...alone and bed ridden every day...I would ponder how it would happen and when you'd come and what it would be like to see you for the first time.
The story of your birth will come shortly!
I can't wait to share it with everybody:)
Tonight...although I am sleep deprived and sore and hurting from head to toe....I just had to "attempt" typing you a little note on your ONE week birthday as we are separated tonight and my heart is breaking.
I got really sick after your birth and was only able to see you a handful of times inside your little isolettes in the NICU before I was locked out and unable to visit.
I haven't seen you or touched you in DAYS and it feels like a part of me is physically missing.
Grandma is staying with me and picking up the pieces as I continually fall apart throughout the day.
I need to see you. I need to hold you.
Or just let you hear my voice.
But I can't.
I want you to know that Daddy comes to you each night and holds you and feeds you and takes countless pictures and video clips for me to watch. I love you so much and my heart aches for the day...hopefully within a week...when I can see you or hold you. I would take anything....even the chance to stare at you through a window if they'd let me!
I sit here and struggle to understand why it has been sooooooo hard for me to get my hands on you for so many years!
I fought so hard to get you here to earth.
Infertility for years.
Horrible pregnancy to say the least:)
Hospitalized for a month
Loss of vision
Virus after Virus in the hospital
Loss of memory for bits and pieces of the days following your birth
Cold sores from the stress of it all!
As I hit my knees tonight and begged for it to all end and for me to get well enough to see you and let you hear my voice...I got the impression that although it's been HARD and our earthly meeting has been delayed by so so so so many things.....it will make our reunion that much more meaningful and our bond that much more eternal. Afterall, aren't the things we work the hardest for the things we hold closest to our hearts?
You are my miracle babies and I love you with all my heart.
Tonight I rode to the hospital with daddy and grandma for the first time.
I watched as they walked into the NICU and the door closed in my face.
I sat in the lobby and closed my eyes...trying to picture what you look like.
Trying so hard to REMEMBER the one or two times I actually got to see your face.
From the Video clips you have grown!
Yoru cheeks are getting chubby...and your starting to open your eyes occasionally.
MASON....my sweet baby boy...
you struggled the most after birth and I am so proud of you!
You worked so hard to breathe and after a week of oxygen and surfactant treatments and your chest working so hard to breathe...you have improved drastically.
I have never seen you without IV'S and Oxygen and handfuls of tubes coming out of your little body.
Tonight as I watched the video of you peacfully sleeping with all of those tubes removed....I sobbed into your daddy's shoulder. You did it. While I'm fighting to get better out here...so I can see you again...you are fighting so hard in the NICU to come home where you belong.
You are going to be a fighter.....and as smart and quick as your big brother:)
(This was first and ONLY time I've held you my sweet boy. Although, I don't remember it at all! Moments later I was getting a blood transfusion due to losing so much blood during surgery. I lost memory of most of this day:)
LONDON.... my baby girl and best friend...you are so beautiful.
My favorite memory of your birthday (and one of the only I have of that day:) is seeing you born first and held up over the sheet! The doctor said "HI MOM!" as you held all 4 pounds of you up so I could see you kicking and screaming.
The specialist was right! Your lungs worked fine:)
You didn't need an ounce of help or oxygen from the beginning.
The nurses in the NICU say that you will come home to me FIRST....and they told daddy that you are 4 pounds of "attitude".
That made me laugh. I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree...because both Grandma and Daddy said that you were TOTALLY my daughter.
Sassy and determined.
I am so happy that you are healthy and strong.
Until I can be with you....know that I love you and I am counting the minutes until I can bring you home and we can finally be a family.
This experience continues to teach me things.
YOU TWO were sent to teach me many things I'm sure.
Happy ONE WEEK birthday my Twins!
....and please hurry and grow and learn to eat and meet your milestones, etc....because the NICU is somewhere around 2,200.00 a night PER child:)