Thursday, April 19, 2012

Where to begin...

Hmmmm....I could start with the fact that my life basically unraveled before my eyes (it felt like it did anyways) this week.

My body gave up. My back quit.
...and...everything from my waist down has very little concern for "how much I need/want to get done".

I could tell you how if I'm not teaching preschool...I am LITERALLY sitting at some hospital or Doctor's office getting poked or blood draws or worse.

 Or the fact that I am now a "Gestational Diabetic" and gets shots and prick my own fingers 5 times a day to test my blood and meet with the diabetic clinic once a week. OH...and how could I forget?!?...I eat rabbit food instead of things that I actually want to eat.

 I could tell you all about how my child corrects my every move...and half the time he's right and I totally deserve it but in my hormonal state it is DRIVING ME NUTS:) It makes his dad laugh!!
 It makes me scream at him and then bawl out of complete guilt for screaming at him.

I could tell you about how I'm officially too fat to get out of my big Jacuzzi tub without the aid of my husband.

Or the fact that my son told his entire preschool class that it was cool....but he's too young to know that he should be humiliated beyond belief:) haha.

Or that for family home evening Jarom taught Jaxson how to put my socks and shoes ON and how to remove them for me. It is truly a skill that is necessary around here.

Or how I cried like a baby for 15 minutes when Jaxson was accepted to the "spanish immersion" program for kindergarten this FALL. My baby is going to learn a second language:) that is really really cool. So happy and relieved that my letter did the trick.

Or that I bought my little girl's first leotard, tutu and dance bag...which is really lame and wierd since that is almost 3 years from now....but I don't care. I even showed Jarom...and gave him the "you have one chance to say the right thing buddy" look....and he only kind of succeeded. Let's say he was a little less excited about it than I was. ha!

Or how the ONE person that takes care of me (Jarom) will have a complete ACL and MINISCUS reconstruction surgery on Tuesday and I will become his caregiver when I can barely bend at the waist.
Pray for us.


Or that I am starting to "anticipate" this change that is about to happen to my little family and my life and my entire FUTURE and how I am feeling vulnurable, inadequate and scared.
Part of me is readier than ever....the part of me that knows that everything will work out in the end wants to push rewind and re-live life with my FIRST.

I feel lucky...and I feel stressed that I will somehow love and care for THREE people as much as I do Jaxson...and how impossible that seems when he takes every ounce of energy and extra stress and love that I have in my being.

I could tell you about how I sit in the rocking chair that is placed directly between one BLUE crib and one PINK crib and I stare in utter shock that this is possible and will happen...SOON.


I could FIRST apologize to all of the people who call me and text me....or who offer to do my grocery shopping...because I never respond.
I want too. Desperately.
I just don't have a spare ounce of time or energy.


I could tell you about how badly I want to be capable of HUGGING my husband.
Or how badly I want to lay by him...instead of 3.5 feet away from him while the biggest stomach you've ever seen lies between us.

I could tell you about how ANYWHERE I GO I get looks of complete and utter sympathy.
I get questions...and apologies for my "condition" that make even my BEST DAYS seem kinda like I shouldn't leave the house.

But I do anyways.


What I'm Gonna tell you instead I threw in the towel.

* I pulled my kid out of tumbling. Why in the crap am I still running unnecessary errands??

* I got released from ONE of my callings at church. I felt awful....but there is a time and season for everything....and right now it feels like my time should be spent "bawling my head off" until every pent up hormone and emotion is somehow purged from my system.

*I called a window washer and could care less if he charges me 1000 bucks....I want my windows scrubbed..inside and out...and please.

* I then called a friend who kindly passed along the name of her maid (I love to clean so giving this control up will kill me) but I don't care! I want my jacuzzi tub please.

* I then booked myself an HOUR AND HALF pregnancy massage and just spent the evening begging the lady to not make me leave her she rubbed and massaged stretch marks and cellulite and somehow still made me feel good about myself:)

Life is REALLY REALLY hard right now.
Life is REALLY REALLY good right now too.

It's strange how the biggest sacrifices always bring the biggest blessings.


TO my future children:
You have ruined my body. Completely.
I mean....R.U.I.N.E.D.
I love you to pieces.

love, Mom


Tammy said...

I so hope to "run" into you one day and really meet you. I feel like I already know you and love you. You say it like it is and how we all wish we could and were brave enough to post.

Hang in there. You're amazing. And if you ever doubt or are discouraged know that you put a smile on so many faces. Maybe it's time to let some of us put one on yours too.

Until then I will wait for the day when I happen to see you at Costco, or Cafe Rio and then I will come up to you and remind you just how wonderful you are.

Enjoy this wonderful weather, it's a beautiful day.

Ruth Peterson said...

Hang in there, Kristin! Sorry I missed your shower--hope you felt well enough to enjoy it some! :) Jarom will be fine with his surgery; I had my acl done and it was much easier than I anticipated. The hardest is getting the range of motion back-- (but I was prob much older than he is!). I think its wise you're giving up a few things--in the grand scheme, they are just for a short while. Love to all!