Monday, November 28, 2011

More on that....

So....
Now that I've shared my big secret...I can expand on the TRUTH about the last few years and months of my life:)

I sat in my rocking Chair in the nursery tonight and sketched ideas of how in the world I could get 2 of everything to fit in there. Overwhelming but equally as exciting.

I have to admit...it was and IS the first time I've been excited. I dreamt about them last night. They were both screaming their heads off...it was the middle of the night...and I was trying to figure out how to feed them both! One started sucking on my arm...and I wasn't coordinated enough to pick the other one up at the same time. My oh my. If that is a sign of things to come....I am in trouble:)

I have been so deathly sick...and scared...and at risk of losing them both....or one...that I've kept myself "protected" mentally. Kind of like "Self-Preservation" mode....just in case things didn't have the happy ending that I desperately hoped for.

I now feel excitement and peace.
I know they are growing and healthy....and that this is REAL.

I have a belly.
Although....my butts bigger than the belly these days I'm afraid:)

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In the next few weeks I'll be giving a "behind the scenes" tour of the past few months of my life I guess:)  It should be fun/ interesting.

It will take months...because I CANNOT tell a quick story. According to my mother...I learned that one from my Dad. It's all in the details:) The good juicy ones that include: the lengths of the needles, every emotion that floods your system...the lessons learned along the way...the beautiful blessings I received and the day I saw TWO little heartbeats and let the flood gates fully open while I bawled like never before! I was a blubbering mess as nurses started throwing tissues at me. I couldn't for the life of me speak like a normal human. I just bawled and let Jarom rub my arm.

You can bet that my blog will become an outlet of the feelings I've had brewing for the past few years....sprinkled with pictures of my Jax of course.....but for now, my goal is to HELP others:) I know that sooo many women are struggling with infertility and have nowhere to turn. Send them here:) I have seen/done/read/experienced it all. It may surprise you what I know...what I've tried...what I've been through.

 I know that I can help.

I can say all the things that I wished someone would have said to me.
I made the mistake of dealing with it ALONE until recently.
I was tough, independant and capable....I didn't need help! ummm...yah right.

Melanee Price will always hold a special place in my heart because she paved the way for me.
Her words on her blog, YEARS  ago, were meant for her own journaling purposes...but instead, she changed my life. She has become a great friend and a wonderful listener.
Her words gave me the courage to make the jump that I was too stubborn and prideful to make.

Afterall, I had JAXSON!
You know...Jaxson...the one who rules my life??
 He was mine. He was easy. I was/am capable.

Come to find out.....

Things change.
They have to.
SO we can change too.

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I once posted about a particlurly dysfunctional day at my house....(kid running around naked....dirty laundry piling up, etc.) and someone kindly responded..."that was refreshing to read...because it seems like you usually have everything so figured out!"

oh my.

I guess my only explanation is the REALLY REALLY tough stuff is something we tend to keep tucked neatly inside. It's safer there. People can't make comments or judgements or try and "fix it" or make you feel better by saying something that really doesn't make you feel better at all.
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First, I have to sincerely say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to those of you, some who I've never even met, that wished us well and congratulations! My battle with infertility has been such a struggle and it was such a special experience getting to FINALLY share the joy of our pregnancy with others!

All of the love and support has given me the extra boost I've needed.....because I'm pretty sure these TWO babies are trying to kill me. ha! Of course, because it's me and things are ALWAYS complicated.....Ogden Regional Hospital told me that I have a few GALLSTONES that might beat them to it:)

The fun continues!
I will try to stay positive...but I'm just sayin....this blog might not be bookmarked in your favorites for "cute christmas ideas".....or something similarly upbeat:) Instead....I'm gonna get REAL.

Life is TOUGH.

I have been sicker than words can adequately describe.

If I smell food that I have seen/talked about/consumed or cooked in the last 3 months...I will barf.
If I go to my closet and see an outfit or shirt that I've worn in the last 3 months and it sparks a memory of any moment in the last 3 months...I will barf.
If someone eats a pringle....or chews trident fruity flavored gum around me....I will barf.
If I open the cupboard that houses our garbage can...I will barf.
If Jarom sprays Gain scented febreeze...(an absolute favorite....no longer)...I will barf.
If I think about brushing my teeth and actually place a toothbrush in my mouth or near my tongue....I will barf. Multiple times.

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Most the time I am brave when the clock strikes 8:00 p.m. and it's time for my nightly shot in the butt...but sometimes I cry and beg jarom to let me "skip"...JUST ONCE. My hips are sore...and hard and full of knots. They are bruised and they bleed and sometimes I am so sore I can barely roll over in bed without crying in pain.

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Last Tuesday evening I ate an entire bag of ritz baked crackers (the sour cream and onion flavor)....and woke up to a pain that convinced me I was going to die. It made IVF and a painful egg retrieval sound like a day at the SPA. Come to find out....Gallbladders don't like sour cream and onion flavored anything.

I truly sweat from every pore for about an hour.

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I just ordered no less than $800.00 worth of maternity jeans online.
I will most likely hate every pair.
I might end up keeping ONE out of desperation.
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All of these things...although hard to endure....remind me that I got EXACTLY what I wished/hoped/prayed/ & paid for!

As I lay by the toilet each day....I repeat to myself
"I am lucky. I am lucky. I am lucky!"

I even kinda believe it.
haha.

xoxoxo
me

6 comments:

With Crazy Love Jeff and Jamie said...

Kristen you are an AMAZING woman! My heart goes out to you and I look forward to "being apart of your wonderful journey" reading your blog! YOu make me want to be a better person and I am grateful to know you and Jarom! Congrats again best wishes! XOXO,
Jamie

Brandie Page said...

Kristin I know it's not in you to ask for help. But seriously I live so close. Call me if you need anything. Plus I think our boys would have a blast together they have so much in common. I could just come let them play while you are hovering over the toilet. I'll even clean up for ya if you need cause I know cleaner always made me so sick when I was pregnant. I pray you get feeling better and can't wait for the day that this is all a blur and you're holding your beautiful babies!!

Jamie said...

AW, Kristin CONGRATS!!! I am so happy for you guys! Twins are truly such a blessing! It's so hard to be completely overjoyed when you are so sick! I know and don't miss that feeling!;) It will end, one day! It's crazy to imagine that it's already been 6+ years ago I went through that too! You will do great! Hang in there!

{Linds} said...

Congrats!!! You don't know me.. but I have read your blog for sometime and think you're one amazing mom!! I am excited to read your blog even more now knowing you are going to be sharing your fertility experiences! I am also one who says "i don't need help" and am Going through something similar! So keep writing! Your great!! CONGRATS again!!! YAY for twins!

Josh & Trish January 30, 2008 said...

I am so glad you have and are sharing your story through all of this and putting on a brave face for everyone is such a hard thing to do! Your story gives me hope, we are going through the same thing right now with our first attempt not working and on to round two! you have a beautiful family! Congrats!

Sabrina said...

Oh boy Kristin! Pregnancy...I don't even know what to say. Except good luck!

If you need any advice/tips, I'm a twin so I could pass on wisdom from my mom.

You're going to be an awesome mother! And having twins would be so fun; crazy, but fun!!!