a deck...

It's after midnight and I can't sleep.

Again.

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I have been watching x-factor, bawling like a baby for the past 2 hours. Last night I stayed up until after 3:00 watching The biggest Loser Premier. I bawled a ridiculous amount of tears for those people too.  

I bawl over everything these days. It is getting quite ridiculous.

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I'm turning to mush....and I used to be tough and quite sassy:)

Heaven forbid I pass one of the many corners with a bum....especially if they are holding a sign that says ANYTHING about being "hungry" or "willing to work". I have broken into sobs....and highly considered flippling a U-turn, rolling down my window and just tossing them my Visa. (dang it...I never carry cash and I need too for instances like this!!!)

See.....MUSH.

I blame EVERYTHING on my hormones lately....so whether it's that or not, I'm stickin to it.

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I Love being a mother lately. (opposed to the days I don't. hee hee)

Maybe it's soccer season...or picking out halloween costumes....or helping him pick a pumpkin....or just the fact that he gives me purpose each day....but I am sure in love with that boy of mine.

I've been writing him LOTS of letters. I've been so good at keeping a journal lately too. I want to remember this. I want to remember him at 4.5. I want him to know someday how much fun he made my life.

Most importantly, how he saved me during this time of trial after trial and sickness and struggle.

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Dear Jaxson,

Tonight I had an idea. I wanted to take you in the mountains. I wanted a campfire and I wanted you to roast marshmallows. I wanted to cuddle up with you and sing songs and spend time away from the distractions: the Wii, Smashbrothers, your Ipad, etc:) I was being selfish...and I wanted the 2.5 year old version of you back...the one that only wanted ME.  But...as you know, mommy's been really sick lately and I knew that wasn't gonna happen for a while. So---I did what I always do when I get an idea in my head. I am stubborn and I felt guilty about being sick all the time (and don't mess with a mother in-guilt). I decided right then that I would bring the campfire to you:) I found the perfect one ....and made daddy load it up and assemble it immediately.

You were so excited to make smores you couldn't stand it.

I LIVE to see you excited and happy little man. You cuddled up with "yellow" (your favorite blanket) who is like the Fourth member of our family...and the three of us cuddled and I sang you to sleep by the campfire outside. It was so relaxing. You fell asleep in my arms and I looked at you and KNEW that it was one of the last times it would happen. You are getting so big....it's difficult for me to even carry you or rock you in my arms these days.  I was so sad...but so happy that you will always be mine. How are you almost 5?

I remember the first time I held you...and I remember examining every inch. I remember looking at you and having NO CLUE what little personality was inside. I loved you immediately...but I didn't know just how much I would adore your whit and your spirit. It's been so fun getting to know you. I'm a pretty lucky woman.

A few weeks back we were driving in the car and you are always DEEP in thought during car rides. You piped up and asked me a question that shocked me and made me bawl (big surprise). You said..."Mom, why do you always tell people that you're ugly...or that you look awful...when I think your the most bute-iful woman in the world."

I didn't know what to say.  

You are much to smart and in-tune for 4 years old.

You teach mommy a thing or two every single day.

 Last week we were visiting little Brigham City and mommy pointed out the new TEMPLE being built. The entire outside of it was covered in scaffolding and workers were slaving away on the outside.

As we are driving down Main Street...You exclaimed....

"Awesome Mom! Jesus is getting a Deck!"

Me= (gut laughing)

You are one hilarious little man. You thought the heavy construction outside the temple must surely mean that a DECK...complete with a BBQ grill and a picnic table was being built!

It was one of those classic Jaxson-isms that had me calling every grandma, grandpa, aunt and uncle all day long!

Your new line is "This is the life."

You say it all the time...and it always makes me laugh.

Today you were sitting in the back of grandpa's truck with a pile of newly picked pumpkins and you looked over at me and said "Ahhhh...this is the life!"

When I buy you an icee at Sam's Club...."Mom...this is the life!"

When I get you out of the shower and your lotioning your "rashes".....(one teeeennnyyyy ttttiiiinnnyyy mosqito bite on your leg)..."This is the LIFE!".

Oh Jaxson...What would I do without you???

Thanks for making me laugh.

Thanks for making me feel good about myself:)

Thanks for being mine.

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P.S.

Sorry for embarrassing you at your soccer game today. I realize you are only 4...but mom get's REEAAALLLY into it. 

Grandpa looked at me and said "Is it the State Tournament?!?!"

It might as well have been....for the shouting I was doing.

Sorry, son.

(I'm pretty sure dad got the WHOLE thing on video)

It will get worse, I promise.  

We have LOTS AND LOTS of years of me cheering you on from the sidelines ahead of us:)

I will try and behave.

Love, Mom