Mothering

Tonight I tucked Jaxson into bed and asked him...

"Did you have fun with mommy today?"

He chuckled and responded...

"Yah...way more fun than with Dad!'

YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Today goes to ME.

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It felt good. Victory:) finally.

(We spent the entire day together. Spent 5 hours at Cherry Hill, we played motor-boat, motor-boat go so fast, we walked the lazy river a million times, we had a picnic lunch, we went on an evening walk, we played at the park, we cuddled out on the patio furniture and sang songs, I let him get a redbox.)

It better have been a good day!!! He's darn lucky he said that.

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 Jarom is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS the fun one.

He can make you laugh continuously..he plays ball, participates in Wii competitions, wrestles, makes up songs about farting and poop that can make Jaxson gut laugh til his lips turn blue and I have to remind him to breath. He is way more intriguing than boring old mom. It's been hard on me lately:) Daddy seems to fulfill all wants and needs...and mom is...well, the cook. Oh...and the permission giver. Both of them usually ask me before they do things...like play the Wii. Why they even ask is beyond me? But I go with it:) Who doesn't love being in charge. ha.

For the most part...I agree with Jaxson.
Jarom is the fun one.
Why? Because when Jarom is with Jaxson....he is truly WITH JAXSON.
He isn't thinking, stressing, worrying about or doing work.
He is truly present.
I know a child can tell the difference.

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So I have been focusing on spending more one-on-one time with Jax.
I always spend time with him...I am ALWAYS with him...but I really need to work on spending un-interrupted, quality time with him. I need to work on being Present.
I have been thinking a lot lately about MOTHERING. He's growing up. I can't keep waking up and treating him like my baby.  Even though I have a huge desire to curl into the fetal position and bawl my head off (and eat an entire pan of cinnamon rolls) when I think about him growing up and going to school, not needing me, etc.

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I am reading some wonderful books on Mothering right now.

When I forced myself to put down the Final book of the Hunger Games Series and pick up something that would actually make me THINK and TEACH me something...it was refreshing.

I found something that fit perfectly how I've been feeling:) Well...I've found handfuls of things that make me cry, give me chills & make me want to be better all at once.

Who knows...maybe there are more of "us" constantly thinking, worrying, and always wanting to improve parents out there:) Maybe there are more of us Mothers that feel inadequate to the task of raising these perfect little people:):)

I wanted to share:

"Feelings of perpetual ineptitude are part of being a mother. They start at birth with feeding and sleeping issues then soon grow into disclipline and independence issues. Though the challenges change, the feelings of incompetence remain constant. We've never been the mother of this child at this stage in their development before---and that cycle will continue until the day we die. Yet even if we don't have all the answers and don't know just what to do, we've made a commitment to be there for our children and care for them FOREVER."

I loved that.

We all get comfortable. We get lazy. I do, anyway:)

I wake up, unload the dishwasher, fill a sippy with either chocolate or strawberry milk (per request) and continue to parent the exact same way. I never stop to think....he is a whole Month or Year older! He's changing...maybe I should too.

I remember my mom coming to visit me in Omaha. Omaha felt like a foreign country when I was a young, married, first time mother. Not to mention I was Mormon. I stood out....you could say. My mom came to spend the week. We shopped, went to lunch, talked and caught up for 7 days straight. On one particular evening we went to Chili's for dinner. My mother removed my child from his carseat (while I was thinking...what in the world are you doing???) and she asked the waiter for a high chair. I was speechless. Pffffff....she is seriously going to put my tiny baby in a high chair. He's a....he's my....baby. It was so simple and stupid but I'm pretty certain I would have never thought of it. She sat him in that high chair (his very first experience in one:) and Jaxson began to squeal and giggle and broke into a grin bigger than you've ever seen. It looked like it was going to swallow him. He was so tiny. But he did it! He pounded the table and laughed and charmed every adult in the joint within minutes.

I took about 30 pictures of that moment. I still smile looking at the huge grin on his face in those pictures. He was barely 7 months old.

I had never thought of it before. My mom introduced me to sitting him in a high chair...letting him sit in the front of the cart at the grocery store....and several other things that trip. oh my. I didn't realize he was ready for more...I didn't realize he was growing and becoming more capable and independent everyday. I wanted him to be my baby. I wanted him to NEED me....always and no matter what. If that meant carrying my extremely heavy child around in the baby carseat for WAY longer than necessary...so be it:)

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Like I read...
I had never "been the mother of this child at this stage in his development before".
I was learning.

It's such a relief that kids are so resilient and forgiving:)

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This brings me to last Sunday. I was sitting in Relief society listening to a wonderful lesson on Tithing. We were talking about teaching our children the principle and commandment of the Tithe.

"Oh crap"...went through my mind:)
followed by..... 

I give Jaxson an allowance.

I HELP him empty every single penny and qaurter into a baggie.

I drive him to Walmart or Toys' R us.

I help him spend every dime on a piece of plastic something that makes him more excited than anything should. I NEVER mention tithing. I have NEVER thought to explain it to him.

Ummmm.

I failed to recognize that he is old enough. He is smart enough to know and understand.
He's growing.
I'm still learning. Learning to accept it.

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 "Children in our midst keep us young and humble. They never stop learning or needing us, and we never stop learning or needing them. Though most of my children have grown up and left home, nothing takes away my primal urge to wrap them in flannel, hold them close, and rock them to sleep just one more time."

Amen:):)

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"We parents face our child's first sleepover, choir tour, or college dorm with anticipation and regret. We want our children to be independent, but we never feel like we've had enough time together. Our busy lives seldom include enough one-on-one bonding with each child. All too soon we realize we'll never get our son's and daughter's childhoods back even for a moment."

"We walk a fuzzy line, always wondering how to protect our children without being overprotective. So we try---but often feel unsure---weaving on and off the protective versus smothering line, unsure how to put one foot in front of the other and walk away. When are our children really ready to play alone in the backyard, walk to school themselves, drive a car, or get married? Probably never in our book.
Yet life is constantly nudging--pushing--us and them forward.
Ready or not, there they go."

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I'm pretty sure the author wrote that last paragraph FOR ME.
I am learning more about this whole Mothering thing everyday.
I am grateful for such a darling little subject to practice on that's for sure.

I am walking that fuzzy line daily right now.
He is MY BABY...but he isn't A BABY.

I will be trying to accept that one forever most likely:)
As long as I'm continually learning and trying to be better for him.
I think that's all that counts.

"Motherhood frees us to love someone more than ouselves and gives a dimension of sacredness to everything we do. Motherhood liberates us from selfishness and creates a gentler world where someone is always looking out for others. Motherhood releases us from a life of get and introduces us to a life of give."

That is beautiful, isn't it???

Love, Me