Sunday, January 2, 2011

Jesus wants me for a SunBEAM:)

Jaxson is a Sunbeam!!!
A very handsome little sunbeam in his pinstripe suit matching his daddy:)


...and I wish I could say I was excited....
I am depressed about it:)
It is strange...but even with age...CHANGE never becomes easier for me.
I think people who like change are wierdos. For sure.

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I usually come around to it...and adjust. Sometimes I even like things better...but the period of CHANGE is hard for me. ALWAYS.

I get ridiculously attached. To people...to things...to stages. Like I was explaining to Jarom...it's almost like I'm mourning when a STAGE of my baby (ok...toddler) transitions into yet another stage of life. I always LOVE and THOROUGHLY ENJOY the new stage....but it's hard to let go for me.

Today was no different.

Jaxson was teary...and nervous. He didn't understand why he couldn't play with toys and find his favorite action figure of astroboy in the nursery. I was hating the world...because HIS WORLD was being rocked a bit and I couldn't prevent it or fix it. I bawled and bawled. I took lots of ibuprofen.

I sat in the back of the primary room with Jarom and watched him. He turned around every 15 seconds to make sure I was there with him. Every once in a while he'd shout... "Your aren't gonna leave are ya???" and then he'd continue singing and participating.

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(My boys. I'm a lucky girl.)



Although...in my rational moments....I understand that CHANGE is inevitable and GOOD....I will always have a hard time letting go and embracing it. I'm certain my instinct as Jaxson's mother will always be to protect him and keep his little world from being altered. I DO KNOW that it's bound to happen...and man do I need to figure out a better way of dealing with it:)

Bawling my head off and screaming at Jarom just doesn't seem to change anything:)
It most definitely doesn't keep CHANGE from happening.

Because....today came and went...and my baby went to Primary.
He had fun...and he didn't need a snack, a sippy, a butt change, or ME at all.

wow. I can do hard things.
(It's kinda silly...but that is EXACTLY how I feel).

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When I look at these pictures...I imagine 15 years from now when my baby is dressed in his suit and leaving on a mission!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me survive that experience.

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He did it! He's growin up!

Dear Jax,

I have a hard time letting you grow up. I know that. Thanks for being patient with me and being so good about taking all of my love:) You don't have anyone to share it all with quite yet....so you are most likely feeling mauled and torchered:) I am sorry. I love you so much and I am so proud of you. You are growing up and becoming such an independent and smart little man. Today was hard for me. You didn't NEED me that much. You did WANT me there with you...watching from a distance...just in case.

I PROMISE that through your life I will always be there. Maybe you won't need me by your side holding your hand...and maybe you won't need me as much as I NEED you...but I will always be there...just like I was today. In the back...WATCHING...Just IN CASE:) Remember that little man.

I love you,

Mom

2 comments:

Natalie and Jared said...

Where did you get the cute paper for your blog header?

Bryce & Brittany said...

Just wanted you to know that your little note to Jaxson there at the end made me cry. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel when I don't think Roman needs me all the time.:( I think I'll feel much like what you described here. Being a mom is wonderful and is such a great learning experience for us parents too.:) Love ya!