I've been thinking lately.
...and a LOT more than I do normally, I mean:)
I have this tendency.
Over dramatize, over analyze, over emotionalize...you get the idea.
I'm not a TOTAL wreck...just partly (he he) and especially when it comes to ANYTHING about children or motherhood.
Out he came...and instantly I was a vulnerable, hysterical mess.
How is that fair?????
I have repeatedly (throughout this week) been HIT with thoughts about what
"raising a SON really means". To me.
I have reached this conclusion:
I am overwhelmed.
(and happen to love it more than life at the very same moment)
At the most random of moments...I'll think
"This is a little bit trickier than one might think!"
Like today when I was teaching him too pee standing up. He has been potty trained for a year now...a pro in the department you might say...but then again, he's been peeing like his mother. Like the woman who is raising him...the one who shows him how things are done.
This particular task is best accomplished...Sitting down:)
I immediately thought as I glanced over at his little cheeks, on his tip-toes...with his jeans around his ankles:
(this is where the thinking too hard comes in)
Me: Stand there for a minute. (clueless to how and if they wipe...or what happens next, etc.)
Me: umm...so you don't get any on the tile.
Jax: What? Pee?
30 seconds go by
Jax: He's all done drippin Mom!
See...OVERWHELMED I tell ya.
What do you say to that????
I'll be fixing him lunch and look over at him...and tear up. He's going to be a man. I have to make him that way. Sure Jarom helps...but only for approx. 1.5 hours a day, the rest is up to me. ME.
Am I giving him enough experiences...exposing him to enough...teaching him enough?
Am I teaching him HOW to be like his DAD...or teaching him to properly spritz and then mop the woodfloor?
Does he like to get messy...or does he freak out when food touches any part of his face other than his mouth?
Not that these things aren't useful.
Heck...who wouldn't appreciate a man who takes an occasional turn mopping and actually does it properly. Or a man who preferred eating like a human opposed to a starving animal?
... I guess I'm more referring to the BIG things...
* Gaining a testimony
*wanting to serve a mission
*respect for women
*a listening ear
*a love for children
*provider for family
I have so much responsibility.
So much work cut out for me.
...am I capable?
...am I measuring up?
I have so much potential bundled into my little stinkbug...and I've just been thinking...TOO...HARD...this week about doing my best.
I hear about too many MEN these days...caught up in stupid things. My husband happens to divorce half of them and take away their children for a living. Good...once upon a time...LDS men who aren't AND weren't ever strong enough. Sure enough of what's truly important.
Will I provide a strength...a root deep enough in what's important? Am I building that foundation right now?
I just finished reading "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult.
A wonderful, devoted, perfect mother...has a son who is lost. Who is confused, depressed, suicidal and picked on. It vividly describes HIS view of his relationship with his mother...and also vividly describes HER view of her relationship with her son.
Is it possible to be that far off?
Is it possible to think you are involved...think you know everything...assume you are asking the right questions, and not have a clue?
How do you achieve the perfect balance of teaching them sensitivity and the ability to express feelings and emotions...while teaching them to be a Boy--who will so quickly grow into a man?
All things I've been praying about, things I've been pondering and keeping close to my heart this week.
A few nights ago I rolled over in the dark and whispered to Jarom...
"When he gets older...how will I show him I love him?"
(I S-M-O-T-H-E-R him in kisses right now. I tackle him and tickle him and kiss every last inch of his belly and face and fat fat fat thighs. It's easy. It comes natural. He's my baby.)
What happens when he's 8 and just dies at the thought of holding my hand. What happens when he's 10 and doesn't appreciate me picking him up, swinging him in cirlces and dancing with him like a crazy person around the dining table to "Girls Just Want to have Fun" when it comes on the radio?
I can honestly say that I dread him growing up. It makes my stomach hurt...it makes me cry...and it makes me mad. I think about how much MORE he needed me last Valentine's Day than he does this one...and I recognize how much time is gone. How much time I'm never going to get back. Which is precisly why I am so grateful to spend every waking minute with him. I LOVE spending my days with him. We are best friends. I wish all friendships could love so unconditionally. The most perfect part is our feelings are mutual:):)
A Daugher...or girl...is easy. They will always be your best friend. They will stay up late... painting nails, cuddling, laughing...eating!
A SON...now that's work. How do I keep this special relationship that we have...to last....long past toddlerhood (is that even a word...probably not) and into forever.
Raising a Son...A priesthood holder...A provider... is not going to be easy.
I am honored with the responsiblity to raise him...and to be his mother.
I am overwhelmed and certain I can't do it alone.
I am sure grateful to know that I can plead for help and direction as many times a day as I need.
...and I do...
I also plan on smothering him with kisses until LONG after it is considered socially acceptable to do so. Just because. He's mine...and I can if I want.
Jax...you have my heart little man.