Monday, December 28, 2009

...babies...

I have babies on the brain tonight for some reason.
Maybe it's because every friend I have has 3 or more...or is currently pregnant:)
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Whatever the cause...it's resulting in some serious emotional thinking:)
(Jarom is probably sooo happy to be asleep at this moment)
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Every mother remembers their first. child that is.
They stress...read all the books...buy everything in sight...stress some more.
Every mother says it goes WAY too fast and that their children are grown before they know it.
It's simple for the most part...and accepted as "Life".
When they realize their baby isn't a baby...they have another:)
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I have resisted this. Fought hard against it, honestly.
(Why is this idea so incredibly sad and depressing to me?)
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It happens to everyone...time passing and their children growing up and becoming independent.
I need to get over it.
I'm not alone.
But...wwwaaaahhhhh...I hate it.
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I want a baby.
Not a new baby (although I would gladly take one...and to clarify...I want at least 5 more new babies at my house at some point)...but tonight I just want the boy I already have to be my baby. Again.
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I liked him just fine.
I loved how he smelled...I love that he LOVED to nurse...I loved his huge eyes...and how he took 3 naps a day. We were the perfect match. Still are...only he is needing me less and less. I loved that when I got tired I could hand him to dad because their was only 1 child and 2 of us:):)
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I don't like this feeling I have.
The one where I woke up and feel baby hungry...even though it feels like I was just sewing blankets to match every outfit imaginable...for Jaxson.
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I kind of feel like I'm not sure I'll ever be READY. again.
Like...my weird, over-emotional side feels like he will feel replaced.
I'm not ready to say goodbye to "this stage".
The stage where it's just the two of us.
He's my best little friend.
Plus...he calls me his "angel" and I've taken a liking to it:)
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I have to go now...I am a bawling mess.
I know all of the textbook answers.
ahem...
You love ALL of your children.
You're not replacing them...you are giving them a friend:)
I KNOW all of these things...I just want to BELIEVE and FEEL all of these things.
Make sense?
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Any advice?!?
Unless you are going to be mean and tell me to get over it (I already know that I need too...) or that I'm selfish (because you obviously misunderstood my post). I just need someone to tell me that they felt this way ONCE. Even for a second. Or that I'm right.
I like hearing that I'm right:)
ha ha
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Night.
Christmas was wonderful.

16 comments:

The Wells Family said...

i wish there was a button like on facebook where you can say "i like this". i have been right where you are at...that is why it took me so long to go for baby #2. when i found out i was pregnant with ethan, i sobbed and was a mess. not because i was thrilled to have a baby, but because i was so incredibly upset on how it wasn't going to be the two of us anymore. i remember the exact moment. bobby was at preschool and so i went in my room at cried. and it took so long to adjust. BUT!!!!.....you won't believe how much in love you are...your heart does grow so much more. and i dare say that i am loving my baby even a little more than the first because i actually know what i am doing and enjoying it more. does that make sense? now i am surprised both of my kids are still alive because i practically kiss their faces off and squeeze them nonstop! good luck!!

Cris, Callie, and Cayten said...

I have to agree with what Wells Family Said. Your heart grows two times, three times, a million times bigger. Rysa was a HORRIBLE baby so while she was really little, I was so sad for Cayten because I couldn't give him the same amount of attention. He didn't mind too much because he got daddy all to himself. Now Rysa is 2 and Cayten is 4 and wow am I in LOVE! Multiple times in a day I just stop and watch them and can't imagine life without them. When I stop I think and scream in my head how much I love them and am so grateful for them. Could you imagine having 2 times the funny things Jaxon says to you? It's pretty amazing!

Erin said...

I understand how you feel about thinking that things just won't be the same and that you will NEVER have a chance to be with just the 3 of you again once another baby is there. I remember going for a walk with Caleb and John right before I had claire and thinking how that would be one of the very last things we will ever do with just the 3 of us. It was a sad little walk for me. But then Claire came and it was like "How did I ever think this baby was going to take away something from our family" she only added to everything that we already had. Sometimes I miss how much more simple it was to just have Caleb but I can't imagine my life without my little crazy claire at my side and can't imagine what it would be like to not have Caleb and Claire giggling together in the other room (or fighting!). Treasure the moments and love the season you are in but don't be afraid of another season to come because they are all beautiful in their own different ways.

Good luck.

Erin P.

Chelsea said...

I feel a little bit like this about my "baby" who will be one tomorrow..... I am dreading her growing up and not being my little baby. You know how I feel about babies:) It's kind of a rude thing that we have no control of.
ps maybe it makes it worse that you know you'll have to get all new canvas's for your entry so the new baby won't be left out ;) ha ha

Laci said...

Heres the thing that you already know but I'll say it. . . Like everyone said its true nothing leaves or takes away from that love from the first it just duplicates to the second. the exact same amount but double. So the truth is your missing out on a lot more of that feeling from not having another. I felt just like you until the moment I had Gray then I understood what everyone was saying. So just get knocked up and you will learn once you have him :). . . or her-

The Christensens said...

OH I so know how you feel, I HATE that my kids are getting big, and I hate it even more that my baby is getting big, I hate that my older ones are getting big, but it seriously rips my heart apart that my baby is growing up, I seriously think I need him to be 2 for the rest of my life. I feel the same way you do, I hate that he needs me less and less everyday, the only difference is you know you want more kids and so you have more chances at this stage, but I am just not sure and I hate not knowing.... I think I would have a hundred more just to have them be little :)

Brandie said...

I hope you dont mind that I read your blog. Actually a bunch of us from girls camp back in the day do. Me, Nicole Jensen, Heidi Christiansen now Johnson. We all find you hilarious and a lot of fun to read. Anyways my advice on this. I had Makenzie and then I actually got pregnant with Kayden while using birth control. I felt all the same things you are right now. My two are 14 months apart. I was so sad and felt so guilty and was terrified I wouldn't love Kayden as much as Kenzie. I was definitely much more relaxed about my pregnancy then I was with "the first" and had all these same feelings you just described. But I saw Kayden and melted just as much as I did with Kenzie. But when I saw Kenzie hold Kayden for the first time on my hospital bed and her cover him up with a blanket or come running to me screaming "baby wake" and the big open mouth kisses Kayden would plant on her. All I can say is everything you are saying and feeling is normal but it goes away fast for me it took that first day in the hospital and I felt guilty about it the whole pregnancy. When I got home it just fit. I'm 8 months along with my last of 3 and so excited. You are such a good mom it won't matter how many you have and it will all fit!! Hope I helped.

Matt Jordan Tenesey said...

Kristin, your son is darling! I saw your blog was "updated" on friends so I took a peek. K, love your post, pictures etc. May have to be one of my "check way to often blogs now..." ;) Congrats on the family. Anyways, cute cute. If you want to stop in at mine (private) email jhula12@hotmail.com Jordan (Workman) Sevy

mbarker said...

I was terrified when I was prego with my second that it would never be just me and Ethan again. But it all worked out! Ellie takes lots of naps so I can still have one on one time with him. Jacob is always thrilled to spend daddy time with either of them so I can focus attention on just one ofthem when needed. It's a fine line to walk - the time sharing. The love just gets bigger! I love being able to see my boy grow up and look after his sister. Tohear him actually say, "No, no Ellie. Very dangerous!" when she gets close to the stairs. We are still experiencing firsts together even with a new baby. He lives having a friend and I love being able to see him in grow into a loving bug brother. It's hard to let them go because it's literally our job. I can't retire at 25!!! Im not ready!!! I insist on him needing me more - wether he likes it or not.

Stacy Ellison said...

have you ever wondered why there is a 4 year gap before asher came along? i didn't want to replace avery. and i was perfectly happy with the way things were going. just aves and i. in fact i loved everything about it. but finally i caved into to peer pressure (mostly from brandon) to have another baby. i really didn't expect to be able to like anyone as much as avery because to me she was the "perfect" baby and toddler. but avery and asher are completely opposite some times which i can appreciate their differences and then sometimes they are just the same and it brings back so many sweet memories of avery. seriously having asher and avery together is so much fun! not only do i get to love them individually, but also love how they react to each other. it serously is the BEST. although scary to take plunge! so you have every right to have mixed emotions about this, but when it happens it will be double the amazing experiences and love you are already having! good luck!

Sabrina said...

I feel like that ALL the time now that Nathan is walking and teething and doesn't like to cuddle with me at all anymore! Yes, I want more kids too but I miss my Baby Nathan too.

So yeah, lol, you are right!

Katie Price said...

My personal feeling is that you won't understand it or be okay with it until you hold your next baby. It's a huge leap of faith. Once the second one comes, it makes a whole lot more sense. EVERY stage is so fun and awesome. And eventually you get to enjoy the baby stage while you're also enjoying the dance stage, or the kindergarten stage, just with different kids. Each child brings out a totally different kind of love in you. I think it's one of the most incredible gifts we're given - to be able to love so many different people so strongly.

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Jamie said...

I remember it was the saddest feeling in the world knowing that Hunt & Hade wouldn't be my babies much longer when I was expecting Easton. It hurt to think that they were getting so big, and I really wondered if I could love the next baby like I loved them. But the second you hold that new baby in your arms, it just falls into place and it all makes sense. You just love them all so equally...i don't know if I am making sense;0 It's like in the grinch that stole christmas..."his heart grew 2 sizes" I know it sounds funny, but your heart really does grow so much more. AND it is so much fun to see your baby be a big brother, it's the sweetest thing. I think it really is just a giant leap of faith you have to take.;) Good luck!

Carin said...

You are cute Kristin! I know exactly how you feel, except this... I decided I wanted to take that leap of faith like everyone else "awhile ago." After three miscarriages still no baby. My heart aches when I see a baby and I realized I have this undeniable love for this baby that I know I am supposed to have. This love takes nothing away and has nothing on Zenock. So if you can... just leap. Enjoy the journey that some of us are insanely jealous to want and to have. :) Besides, I think and hear the first always gets to hold that special place in your heart.

Jessica Kettle said...

ok. let me just say i 100% DITTO everything you just said. like, took the words right out of my mouth. i have felt forever that i just wanted to start all over a gain with my first instead of having a second, that i just want to keep replaying this little 2 and a half year segment of my life over and over again, so that i could be the young mother of my one baby forever. i figure when you're ready, you know. and until then, live in the moment. =)