Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Pity...and Wet Seal:)

I have not a single picture for this post.
Shocked? Me too.
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I have no time. NONE. I am busier than I have ever been in my life...and am pretty sure I have successfully gained 25 pounds from sheer stress. I am not kidding.
(this heading will make sense in my story at the bottom. Read on...i promise there will be laughing)
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Therefore, blogging has not made my top 10 priority list lately.
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...and lists I have...I promise you that!!! My friend Gaylyn is reading this now...and laughing as she is totally annoyed by my continual keeping of lists. I need to stop with the list making...and I hope too---I do. What I really hope is to get to a point in my life where life is not so hectic and filled with errands that there isn't a single reason to reach for my TO-DO list. THAT is precisely why I go to my friend Gaylyn's home in the first place. Do you have a place in which you feel completley peacful, un-hurried, no phones ringing, no internet (gasp in horror), and no demands on you at all!!!! Sounds like heaven, doesn't it. Believe you me...it is.
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I just lay on her couch and let her fix me wonderful homeade scones with honey butter, or potato salad, or cinnamon rolls. She wisps Jaxson away as soon as I arrive and he is building sand castles and eating popsicles within minutes. I owe her my life.
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I just thought about this...but my meeting Gaylyn and gaining 25 pounds seem rather connected?!? Maybe it's her fault?!? hhhmmm.
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I really love to blog....so I look forward to days of sitting on my couch, watching the tube and checking in on all my friends....but it's definitely not right now. Please Hurry November.
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I was, however, sick of looking at my last post...and am not comletley thrilled about the new background design I've got going. Something's not right. Great....
priority #165: re-design blog....looks lame.
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Ok, your in for a treat. Read on...
Meaningless story...but funny just the same.
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I found it quite amusing as I drove away from the mall yesterday, eating my Cookie Dough Blizzard....from the conveniently placed Dairy Queen in the food court.
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I was on a mission to find something yesterday. Something yellow to be exact...and I haven't shopped in months. Too busy. Anyhow, I wandered in to Sluts R' Us.....I mean, Wet Seal...and I began browsing the Jewelry. The rest of the store just gives me a headache. Anyhow, everything was as I expected...Rather gobby and gross...but just maybe I'd find a bargain....so the looking continued. Meanwhile, my child (who didn't have a stroller because of my complete and utter disorganization lately) was being held within a 10 foot radius of my location---by a leash. I kid you not. I have no shame. A monkey backpack that has a tail which doubles as a handle...so I can maintain semi-control of the little squirt in public places.
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Moments later I recognized that I was the recipient of several stares. Some smiles, some looks of complete confusion, some looks I could not decipher or "read" no matter how hard I tried. It wasn't until later that I realized that a few of them might...just might...have been looks of pity.
ha ha ha.
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Afterall...I was casually browsing a store...at back to school time... with several teens and a few 20-somethings who were more concerned with purple-plastic-shiney-belts that would coordinate with the perfect pair of purple-plastic-shiney-pumps that were so conveniently priced at just $9.99 (which practically didn't give them a choice. They just had to buy them. They had to)!!!!
( they were so gross...trust me )
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Was I that out of place??? In the last few years had I gone from semi-attractive and cool....to Mom?
I WAS browsing a skank store...with my 2 year old on a leash...looking rather trailer park-ish??? I decided that the situation was quite hilarious.
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I passed by a full-length mirror to inspect for myself. I did just get rained on, does that count?...I thought to myself. My hair was a bit "matted" to put it lightly...and my flip-flops and feet were covered in dirt from my morning at project: "building a house"...which is the main culprit sucking all of my time these days. My added chub around the middle was NOT being flattered in the slightest and it was painfully obvious that I had not put more than a seconds thought into what had been thrown onto my body that morning. I think somewhere between meeting with my electrician and deciding the stair height in the garage my bangs were pinned straight back with a bobby pin that I luckily found in my pocket:) Jewelry...ya right!...I had none. Not even my wedding ring which would have come in handy...because I could have at least proved that some man out there found me attractive enough to take home!!!
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They did have reason to stare I concluded.
Or maybe it wasn't me at all...but rather the little monkey I had following me around trying on hot pink, over-sized sunglasses announcing that he was a "studmuffin".
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I got done checking myself out...and took a deep breath. Started to giggle and then realized that Jaxson had somehow wrapped a g-string around his neck. I was in shock. I laughed so hard I cried. Keep in mind...that everyone is still staring at this point. I unravel it from his neck and fling it back into it's proper bin and mutter something to him along these lines "Jaxson....sick. Gross. Icky. You don't even know what that is!". To which he replies and announces to everyone. Yes huh mom. It's for your boobies. It's for your boobies. It's for your booooooobies!!!!
Oh ---my----hell.
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At this point I felt like asking for loose change...
because I was obviously providing some high quality entertainment:)
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I was actually finding some pretty decent jewelry...when a line at the checkout stand had formed. Four girls/women were waiting with their pleather clothing and plastic underpanties, amongst other hideous items...to pay. I cleaned up whatever mess Jaxson had made of the zebra printed wallets display and headed to the back of the line.
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This was approximately the moment when Jaxson grabbed his butt and started shouting over the ridiculously loud music they had blaring in there...." MOOOOMMM....I HAVE TO POOP....I HAVE TO POOP...IT'S A BIG ONE....IT'S COMING MAMA!"
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Priceless.
It was one of the best moments of my life....thus far in motherhood.
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What did I do you ask?
I grabbed my stash of jewelry...and shouting "excuse me...coming through...excuse me..." pushed my motherly fat butt to the front of the line. I plopped my 2 hand fulls of cheap jewelry on the counter and said "could you hold these please, my child has to poop!"
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...and we made a run for it...
We made it to the restroom just in the nick of time, if you were wondering:) We also made it back to the store, I purchased my jewelry, we bought jaxson a bouncy ball and a handful of Mike-n-Ike's, got him a balloon and shared a Diary Queen for the road.
It was nice afternoon...just me and my boy.
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I got to thinking on my drive home.
Those girls really pitied me. Isn't that funny/strange/rather judgemental/hilarious
(I could go on)?!?
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I may not have looked it...ok I didn't....
BUT believe me...I've got it figured out:)
A b-e-a-utiful husband who happens to like my additional 25 lbs. and constantly tells me that he likes having a little something to hold on too :) A child who makes my day...every day...and is downright hilarious. And might I add...much much much better taste than anyone who prefers hot-pink cheeta printed shoes that scream " I am trying way to hard. Look at me...look at me...pleeeeease look at ME!"
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Pity. Ha.
Look at the plastic pants you seriously just bought for yourself and ask five people if they would rather have a child with a monkey backpack and dirty shoes...or those.
I win.

6 comments:

The Wells Family said...

i am dying! ahhh..the life of a mother, especially a mother of a boy! that was a HILARIOUS story. at least you were dressed appropriately, these days, my public appearances consist of a tee shirt that doesn't quite fit my oversized belly, sweat pants that show the butt dimples, no bra...a pathetic looking mess. at least my kid look nice. :)

Sabrina said...

Oh my heck; You are so hilarious Kristin! I once vowed that I'd never be caught in public looking like a sloppy mommy....but it isn't easy I've discovered!

You seriously look great even if you have gained 25 pounds. I really really hope that your stress will give you a break every once in awhile and I'm glad that Gaylyn is helping you so much!

Bryce & Brittany said...

That's a great story!! Love it! I think that after the house is done you should write a book!!! I'm serious! It would be hilarious!!!

Carin said...

That was too funny! I love your stories... you always make me fall over laughing. :) Thanks also for describing in detail word for word my life perfectly for the past month. Btw, you always look so cute and put together!

Jamie said...

You are so funny. I loved that story! I feel like that every day of my life and maybe that's why I try not to go lots of places;) Oh I did'nt know you were building! How very exciting! Good luck!

BRITT said...

You are so funny! You are such a cute mom, and Jaxson is SO freakin cute. Where do you get all his cute clothes? I love the new look of your blog!