Last week (Tuesday I believe) I was directed toward a particular blog by a friend. I'm not sure I'll ever forget that day. That day..... I met the Jackson Family. Molly is the mother and the writer of her family blog. I think about her daily now and feel so grateful for her.
This particlar day I was at the end of my rope. Jaxson had poured an entire Diet Coke with lime onto my mom's kitchen floor, dumped an entire box of goldfish into the carpet and mashed every last one of them in by jumping up and down on the pile, managed to pull out thousands of wipes and decorate the basement with them....and the list goes on. I simply couldn't keep up. I felt completley defeated and was sick of it. I found myself getting frustrated with him and impatient with his "destructive behavior". I raised my voice at him....and put him in bed. I listened while he cried himself to sleep. I didn't care. I was kind of glad. (those with kids know exactly what I mean)
I then logged on and read about the Jackson family. I read about how Molly would give ANYTHING to clean up Lucy's messes or watch her play. How she would take more time to be silly and laugh at her destruction rather than be worried about the mess. I slowly started to feel guilty. I owe Molly...because through her experiences and her words she has changed my life. She changed my outlook on life...on motherhood...on family...and brought to the surface feelings of vulnerability I didn't know existed in me. I cried longer and harder that day than I have in a year. I wept for her and her husband and was sickened at myself for being so upset with Jaxson. They lost their little angel Lucy in May in a tragic accident. She was so close to Jaxson in age....and is just beatiful.
Read her story:
As I started reading the tears came. I spent the rest of the day a complete mess. I even dreamt about them that night...and continued to cry for the most part of the next day. Linked to the side of her blog are a list of families who have all lost a young child in the past few months. Angel Braxton, Angel Camille, Angel Cameron....I read about them all. As I began reading about these children and these families....I recognized how quickly life can change. How vulnerable I am...now that Jaxson is here....and how completely I need to work on ENJOYING the now and not worrying so much about the future or the house being clean.
Although it still makes me weap....I am so glad I found Molly.
I cherish every moment with my Jaxson and I find myself looking at him completley differently. I find myself laughing at his messes and ignoring the spills to play airplane or read books and practice our animal sounds. I rock him to sleep (although he is super heavy these days) for every afternoon nap...and sing songs to him. Today I taught him the actions to popcorn popping and he mastered "What does a sheep say?" I am working to ENJOY him...and not wish away even one moment. I am working on patience...and I am changed.
Angel Camille's mom Stephanie, challenged every mother who was reading her blog to stop and immediately list the things their child is doing right now that they love! I am taking that challenge....and hope I never forget.
THINGS I LOVE AT 19 MONTHS:
1-Talking up a storm. His words are adorable and I just love how friendly he is. He says Hello, Hi and Bye Bye to everyone!
2-His batting stance. He will get his bat and bring me a ball. He then takes a few steps backward and gets into "the stance" and prepares to hit it. He loves baseball.
3-He is obsessed with his daddy. Things are pretty emotional in the mornings when Jarom leaves for work. It takes about 45 minutes to calm him. The grin when he comes home is priceless!
4-His mimicking everything. He clicks his tongue, winks, raises his eyebrows...anything WE do and ask him to copy...HE WILL COPY! Me and Jarom are pretty proud. This also keeps us on our toes. :)
5-His kisses are to die for. He loves to kiss and give squeezes or hugs around the neck. EVERYONE in my family loves this. Before bed he goes around the room and gives everyone kisses.
6- He has started saying "night night" before naptime and bedtime. He totally knows...and is really good about it.
7-He LOVES cookies and knows exactly where the candy/cookie jar is at grandma's. He usually has a black ring around his mouth these days...because SOMEBODY in the house will give in and feed him oreos behind my back.
8-He has been super cuddly lately and I love it. Today when I was rocking him to sleep...he kept lifting his head up off of my shoulder and kissing me on the lips...then laying back down. Seriously???? I wanted to die it was so great.
9-His love for "boy things" is adorable. He gets so giggly over anything that moves. Especially four wheelers or motorcylces. "vroom vroom" he says.
10- I LOVE that he dances everytime he hears music.... and I mean EVERY TIME. The other night he had a terrible fever. He was laying on Jarom's tummy and we were watching a movie. It had to be about 2 a.m. The movie ended and the credits (and music) starting playing. He sat up (103 degrees and all) and completely dazed and drugged starting dancing and moving his arms. IT IS HILARIOUS. It's the best in sacrament during the hymns. The entire row of my family is always just dying laughing!
I love you jax....
Mommy is going to work on being more patient.
Make all the messes you want....I don't mind!