Saturday, May 12, 2012

My breakout....

It's almost embarrassing how much I blog lately.
I guess that's what happens when you have so much time on your hands and countless thoughts running through your head throughout the day.

It is currently 4:29 a.m. and they just made the rounds to check my blood pressure and give me drugs. Thank goodness because I was having a contraction that had me begging for mercy.

Tonight I "broke out" of the hospital...literally....and attended my Smarty Pants Graduation Ceremony.
I had to FIB to the nurses all day and re-adjust my medication schedule to make it all work...and let me tell you...I was sweating bullets!  I was also forced to LIE by telling them that I was taking a "wheelchair ride" to the cafeteria with my husband and then to the courtyard to get some fresh air.

Oh my oh my oh my.
Bold. Face. Lie.

As I walked acrossed the parking lot and stepped outside for the first time in  9 days......I, of course, started bawling my head off. Jarom muttered something about me not ruining the only "freedom" I have stressing about how I have to come back. blah blah blah.

Spoken from someone who has seen the sunshine, driven a car and breathed fresh air daily this week and therefore wouldn't have the slightest clue how I could be I right?
Huh??? Huh???

That's what I thought:)
I love you Jarom...but the summation of every emotion you've ever felt could fit into a 20 second period of my life. That is how emotional I am right now.  I think you will whole-heartedly agree.


As we were driving away..I looked at the clock and noted that I had exactly 4 hours until the hospital bracelet I was wearing needed to be scanned, medicine needed to be taken, and I would be hunted down and in big big trouble.

It was a little stressful...and didn't help with the blood pressure problems.
I guess you could say that I am a RULE Jarom had to beg me multiple times throughout the day to not spill the entire plan to every nurse who walked into my room.
It was next to impossible.

I feel about 50 pounds lighter after successfully completling preschool graduation though!
If that took such a load off I can only imagine how skinny I will feel after birthing twins.

It will feel SOOOOOO good.
It will be like the morning after I had Jaxson....when I was about to hop in the shower and I made Jarom come look at how skinny I was. hahahaha!!! A few days later my mom developed pictures of that day and I realized the truth. It actually looked like I still had one more baby in there.

But I could breathe...and that counts for something.


My last thought for the night (I mean earlyl early morning) that I finally understand how an inmate must feel when they've served their time...and are about to be freed.
Yet....for some ridiculous reason they do not want to leave!!!

don't laugh at me....or roll your eyes like my husband did.
Hear me out:) ha!

I want to leave this place and be living in my "real life" so badly right now.
However, after only 9 days in the hospital I felt major anxiety after driving away!

With every ache and pain and contraction I felt MORE and MORE like my Doctor knew exactly what he was talking about when he said I need to LIVE AT THE HOSPITAL.
When I got back to this place and climbed into my horribly uncomfortable bed...and started getting my vitals taken....I felt so AT HOME:)

I called my mom and told her how I was NOW incapable of  living in the real world...with responsbility and expectations:)

I'm like one of those convicts you see on A&E who can't transition back into reality after living in captivity for so long! hahahaha!.
(If only I was entirely kidding)


Oh you guys....I have the best news tomorrow.
My Mother's Day weekend was looking rather bleak...but I have asked permission and I can hardly wait until morning to tell Jaxson.

It's a good thing kids are resilient...because from the tears and breakdown Jaxson had tonight when he had to leave me at the hospital...I thought we'd need family counseling/therapy to somehow rid him of the trauma this whole experience is causing him.

My mom told me he'd be fine.
So I'm choosing to go with that....over the whole "he'll never be the same and it's my fault" scenario.


I'm alone for the 2nd night only at the hospital....because Jarom is being amazing again and spending the morning mowing the lawn, yardwork, weeding, planting my flowers and the little man's soccer game....ALL ALONE.

I think I'll order french toast for breakfast and then watch TV.

Good Night



Natalie and Jared said...

We were so glad to see you last night at the graduation. You looked great! You have done a fantastic job this year with Ryker and he loves you and miss Jen so much! Keep those babies nice and snug!. Love all the updates too.

Carin said...

Love that you are recording (and sharing:) this time. Your babies will love you for all that you've gone through, done, and are doing to get them here. You are superwoman. :) I lived at the hospital for nine days when Zenock was in the NiCU. I bawled every night when Jc left, because he had to get up and go to work in Logan and I was in Ogden. I look back at my tear stained journal pages and realize how much I grew through that time. Not an experience you wish for anyone to go through, but really you are amazing for what you are doing! :)