Monday, January 9, 2012

More on Infertility....& Journal entries

This morning was rough.
I woke up to the usual...."where is my barf bucket" feeling that has become a regular part of my life.
I cried and then called Jarom at work before I even left my bed or lifted my head from the pillow.
I begged him to come home and tickle my back.
I needed to be spooned...ALMOST as bad as I needed him to make me a huge plate of french toast.

I miss him.
Why must he always be at work?????


So....I had a good cry....announced to my husband and BFF neighbor that I had just diagnosed myself with..."post traumatic stress"....and waited for advice on what to do about it. hee hee.

See...I have this VERY STRANGE....(there I admit it) but VERY REAL hatred and pit-in-my-stomach feeling when I enter my bedroom/bathroom/closet area. Everytime I smell the scentsy or the lingering bodywash from the shower, or I see an outfit hanging in my closet that I wore on a particular "AWFUL/SICK" day I want to curl into a ball and cry. Everytime I walk into my bedroom I remember my nightly routine of ice packs and massive needles and tears and begging Jarom to just skip a shot or two to let me have a break. He always said NO by the way. The big bathroom closet that once housed my lotions and new razors and handfuls of fun stuff is now chuck FULL of red Sharps Containers/empty vials of drugs/alcohol swabs, old needles, etc. It is simply a continual reminder of the hardest few months of my life.

Then there was that entire week that I hemmorhaged and I thought I was surely losing both of my babies. I laid in my bed and googled "subchorionic hemmorhage" and cried and prayed and barfed for days. I crawled to the tub and took long baths 3-4 times a day.

I guess you could say my room isn't very inviting right now.
I refuse to clean it.
I refuse to put the laundry away.
I refuse to hang my clothes.
It is a wreck.


Back to my breakdown earlier today.
So...I Called my neighbor and told her all of this.
I told her I would hire a maid to do it for me....but that I refuse to even let a maid see the pile of clothing that I'v let accumulate.

My neighbor told me to have a good cry and then tackle it.
"Don't let it win," she said.
Doesn't it seem so ridiculous?!!?!
My room is a mess....WAHHHHH! Poor me.
I know exactly how it sounds....but it was deeper than that.
I enter that room and I'm immediately slapped with every minute of fear, sickness, pain and complete stress that I've experienced for almost 6 months. And more accurately...the last 2 years.


Anyhow...I'm pretty proud of myself, because even though I needed a LONG pep-talk and a good cry.....I tackled it. I spent 6 hours straight in that room of mine. I scrubbed and dusted and organized and replaced every scentsy, body wash and thing with a smell that could remind me of how sick I was and have been:) Then I made Jarom tour it and congratulate me over and over for my wonderful work.

It felt good.


Aside from that one minor breakdown....things have been pretty darn good:)
I NEED to find out what these babies are so badly!!
The planning side of me wants to get crackin!!!

I have been busy prepping for preschool and have lots of fun things planned to get us through the yucky winter months until spring. I called and got all the information about Registering Jaxson for Kindergarten (HOLY CRAP!). I will have a kindergartner!!!!

We also started a new bedtime routine with Jaxson....which is going....OK:) Just ok.

Jarom is currently upstairs in bed with Jaxson trying to enforce our new rule: SLEEP IN YOUR OWN BED. Or rather...STAY IN YOUR OWN BED.

I knew it would take a full 5 months to conquer it...before the babies come and we have been busy conquering that this week.

The poor kid gets gigantic tears in his eyes, his lower lip trembles and he says
"Why don't you want to be by me mama?"

I am not emotionally stable enough for that kind of stuff.
Therefore....DAD is forced to deal with it.


I tried to solve the problem by telling him that the babies are taking up too much room....and that there simply isn't room for all 5 of us right now!!

I can hear them upstairs discussing it over and over.

Jaxson: "But daddy...why isn't there enough room for me in your bed again???" (for the 50th time)

ME...(what I wanted to march up the stairs and say to him): Because your mother is HUGE son. Because I might go crazy if your little head is wedged inbetween my shoulder blades for one more night. Because last night you knee'd me in the stomach and I thought I was going to come unglued because it hurt so badly:)


As much as I hate kicking you out....My belly has got to have some room!!
For the love.

Dear Jax,

The truth is:
We are all having a hard time letting you grow up around here lately.
It's about time......but it's still difficult as your parents.

You are our baby.'ve been our baby for almost 5 years now.
You seem to be fine with the idea of a few more joining our club...that has consisted of just three of us for so long:) We are too....but we are actually having a harder time dealing with the small changes than you are.

Everytime we leave the house for a quick errand....we talk about how in a few months that same errand won't happen so quick! Or....heaven may even be interrupting nap time! WIERD:) When we jump in the car in our pj's for a late night ice-cream run....we joke about how "this will NOT be happening" in a few short months! When we go to dinner...or the movie theater...or you ride in the cart at the grocery store...or we give you piggy back rides around the and daddy turn to each other and comment about how these small things that have become the NORM for us....will inevitably change. Most likely our hands will be a tad full...and you will have to be a big boy and walk! Gasp.  I still can't physically figure out a scenario that will allow me to take the three of you to Walmart and still find room for a gallon of milk in the cart?!?!?

I guess we can forget the two of us browsing the isles for HOURS and laughing and buying donuts and eating them before we even make it to the checkout counter!!!

Yep...things will inevitably change.


We talk A LOT about the babies coming.
YOU LOVE the idea.
You tell me daily that you wish they were already here.

I know you are excited...and so are WE...but as your mommy I worry.
It's my job:):)

I worry that things will CHANGE so drastically your head will spin.
I don't want your life to be completely thrown for a loop.

If you were only 2 or even wouldn't even know the difference!
You probably wouldn't remember what it was like BEFORE you had a sibling.'ve had 5 good years to rule the place...and I know it will take time to accept that mommy can't play CONNECT 4 for two straight hours over bowls of cinnamon toast crunch every morning.

I love spending that one-on-one time with you.
I have loved all this time we've had together.
I love our bond and relationship.

....and I love that I can finally give you a few siblings....

We'll both inevitably go through some changes in the coming months.
I have a good feeling it will be as hard for mommy as it will be for you.


But I want you to know something special.
I realized something not too long ago.

 Infertility wasn't all horrible.
 It wasn't entirely a TRIAL, a STRUGGLE, a devastating EXPERIENCE.

It was also a GIFT.
The GIFT of quality time spent with you.

It's amazing how the Lord always has a plan.
It was always supposed to happen this way.

Me and you little man:)


p.s. please help me deal with all the changes coming our way!!! I have a gut feeling you will do fabulous and I will be the one taking notes:)

Love, mom


Journal entries:

 September 26th, 2011

The past week of my life was FAR different than I expected it to be. My energy was short lived….because once the drugs kicked in….I was toast. Most afternoons my son would roam to my neighbor’s house and I would beg for mercy from the hot flashes, nausea and insane migraines that would consume my afternoons.  I was so sick….I really doubted my ability to finish this. I KNEW  I’d keep going….but I didn’t want too. The pain made me panic and after 2 straight days of MIGRAINES I was asking myself “how can I do this for 6 more weeks?”

Whether I’m ready or not….tonight marks the next milestone in this process.

Tonight I started my STIMS. (Stimulating Drugs). I will be taking Repronex, Lupron and Gonal-F.

The fun week of multiple shots a day has finally arrived! I get to take lots of fun Stimulating drugs to hopefully get my body working overtime and produce lots of eggs. While all of my friends are so easily maturing one egg this month…..I guess I’ll figure out how to mature approximately 15J  Every single woman who has done this is my HERO by the way. I think about them multiple times a day and know that those women are insanely strong, dedicated and selfless people.

I would love to say that my evening was calm and collected. I would love to say that I was prepared for the stress of properly mixing and dosing the drugs, changing syringes and the multiple stab wounds into my stomach. But I wasn’t.  I screamed at Jarom. He screamed at me. I couldn’t remember all the details from my injection class…he couldn’t either.  It was complicated…and the giant…and I mean GIGANTIC box of needles that came from FEDEX on Thursday didn’t seem to be the same as the ones I learned with. With all these extra hormones coursing through my veins I went from 0 to 60 in .0005 seconds. I was sweating bullets and Jarom and I were both refraining from killing each otherJ

Administering the repronex was easy…it was the mixing that was horrible. How complicated can they possibly make it I ask?????? My word.

The Gonal-F was a nightmare. It should have been the easy one…but the dosing had me stressed to my max.  About 30 minutes after I thought I was done…Jarom was watching tutorials online (yes…it is disturbing that our life has turned into this…but it’s the truth) and he realized that I didn’t properly administer the Gonal-F. To be sure…he had to load the Pen (this drug comes in a pen-like syringe) and squirt it into the sink (so we didn’t risk giving me a double dose just in case). After he had successfully squirted 300.00 worth of medicine down the drain….we re-loaded and I got my 4th stab of the evening and FINALLY was done. Phew.

I am hoping that tomorrow goes a bit easier. I’m sure it will! The first time is always the hardest.

I think I’d be a lot less stressed if my emotions weren’t so close to the surface…and of course, there is the small fortune we’ve spent to get this far that keeps me feeling all sorts of pressure. I want to do every part of this so perfectly. I am trying to control everything I guess…because I know I can’t control the outcome. 

I know it’s in the Lord’s hands….and I know that I will have more children. I know that it will happen…I’m just not certain WHEN it will happen.

For now my job is to be patient. My job is to have faith. My job is to be brave.

I didn’t imagine it being this hard.

I just hope it will all be worth it.


p.s. Tonight (before it all fell apart) was wonderful! We took Jaxson to boondocks for family night. He played the arcade games and won handfuls of Dino’s. He rode the go-karts with daddy and we all played a game of bowling. He was in heaven. It was nice and relaxing to spend time with my boys. 

Love, Me

October 3rd, 2011

I’ve made it to my “IVF WEEK”. They call this first week of October my IVF week…because I will get frequent ultrasounds and finally have my egg retrieval. Today I had my first Follicle scan ultrasound. I am HALF WAY DONE!  Dr. Peterson counted lots of little follicles! They still need to get bigger….so more shots for meJ I go back Wednesday morning and it looks like my egg retrieval will be later this week. I’m thinking Friday or SaturdayJ

I am feeling COUNTLESS emotions. I am excited. I am scared. I am grateful.

Dr. Peterson had to address my Chrone’s Disease today. He told me about the lower success rate for women with Chrone’s or “uncontrolled” inflammatory diseases.  I was very emotional and upset. I didn’t want to talk about it…..but I told him everything. I am emotionally DONE and feel like I can’t talk about it anymore. I know what’s wrong. I can’t fix it. I am just pushing through it. I told him the basis behind our decision to proceed right now. I told him that I REFUSE to take medication while I’m pregnant and that I understand the risks TO ME. I also understand that this IVF cycle might not work. 

I HATE those possibilities but I still know that they exist.

I am not a “depressed” person…but I was feeling kind of teary and unsure after my appointment. Jarom gave me an assignment. He told me that the ONLY thing I need to accomplish today is making a list of “GOOD THINGS”. Good things about ME….good things about my life. A list of blessings, because going through all that I have been for the past 2 years will slowly allow the “negative” to creep in.

I am doing just that.

Then tonight I’m going for an hour and a half massage. Aaggghhhhhhh. MUCH NEEDED .

Love, ME

October 8, 2011

On Thursday I found out that my body didn’t respond as much as they’d like because of my endometriomas. They found a new one growing on my right ovary. To say I was upset is an understatement. It took me a few hours….but I then started to think rationally and I remembered that the Lord has a plan.  (all those hormones…wow…they are unfair).  I remembered that I can do this….although it is very difficult and painful. I know that I will keep trying and that things are just as they are meant to be.

My Egg retrieval was scheduled for this morning at 6:30 a.m. I was anxious and excited and of course, my insomnia was in full force last night! I haven’t slept much since this all started.  My mom came to sleep over and cooked us dinner for DAYS on end. 

We woke up SOOO early and headed in to the clinic. I only cried once….during the IV…and I think I told the nurse something about changing my mindJ She reminded me that I was FULL of hormones at this point and that it was normal to feel so teary.  I felt pretty serious actually! I had changed my mind!!! (not really...but I was nervous to proceed).

They retrieved 9 eggs…but only some were mature enough to be fertilized. We opted to pay the extra and do ICSI.

Tonight I am hopeful. I am a bit stressed and have butterflies. I am also SORE beyond words.  It is quite impossible to describe actually. I guess I should have taken that prescription for Lortab that was handed my way. Instead…I opted to take NOTHING. Ummm??? I am hormonal…why on earth would they take anything I say seriously right now?

The truth is…I want to stay extremely healthy and I being OVERLY cautious right now. This is pretty intense stuff and I felt like it was worth the sacrifice. I feel like I’m 90 years old right now…and I waddle…but I am doing it. Everytime I tell Jarom “I CAN’T DO THIS!” he says, “Honey…YOU already are!”

 I made it home, slept a bit and wasn’t even able to walk comfortably before I had to start Progesterone shots in the buttJ Who decided this process anyways??? Holy crap! They don’t even give you a day to recover before they throw more at you.

Today…is Sunday October 9th and I am bruised and sore…but still smiling.  Jarom just gave me nightly shot and I am proud of him. Everytime we look at the needle….I think “I am glad I don’t have to give it to him!” Sure…I wish I didn’t have to get one either…..but it would be hard to stab him everyday with a 2 inch long needle. This will continue for 3 more months AT LEAST.

 I am anxious to hear from the embryologist tomorrow and see how are little embryo’s are doing. I wonder how many were fertilized and how well they are dividing. I know it wasn’t very many this round….but I sure am hopeful that they are progressing and that I get good news in the morning. The embryologist will also tell me if I am on track for a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

At this point I’ve had to let go. I’ve had to fully realize that I have no control over the next few days and weeks. I am nervous and of course, just WANT SO BADLY for things to work out. However, I am also content with the fact that I’ve done everything I can. I have faith that, eventually, things will work out and I will be able to see the “big picture”. I am confident that if I continue to do my part….the Lord with be there to comfort me and bless me for my efforts.

Another big week ahead!

Love, me


Carin said...

You are able to express feelings so well through your writing. I love your letter to Jaxson. I remember feeling the same way with Z, but could never get my thoughts organized enough to put it into words. :)

BTW, Thank You for your encouragement- sorry I never wrote back. I did progesterone shots with K. Not fun! I sure have a lot of respect for you and all that you have gone through. So excited for your family! :)

Josh and Kristen said...

As someone who is currently raising a 5 year old with new twins. Get used to having a messy home for a while, because you will have absolutely NO sleep, energy or time in the first few months. Also, accept help from any family, friends, ward members because it is extremely difficult to do it alone while your husband is at work. Try to set up playdates at friends' homes for Jaxson as often as you can or in my case, Grandparents helped out a lot with getting Max out of the house. I always took Max out to activities with other kids before the twins came along because he was an only child, and he had a very difficult time adjusting to staying home after they were born. The babies will take up almost all of your time, but try to include Jaxson in to help out. It gets a lot easier after the first three months. You'll get the hang of things to where you can take all three kids out alone. It is possible. Good luck and take it easy these next few months.