Jarom HATES when I pace.
I have been pacing all night long.
I am anxious. I have too many things on my mind.
What. Is. Wrong. With. Me
TOO many to share on here...that is for sure.
Although: That has never stopped me from trying:)
Sometimes I stress over nothing. How does Jarom put it...
Oh Yes...."I am FINDING things to stress over!" he says. Ha!
Why would I go and do something so stupid.
Then I realize...Oh Crap...He's right.
Earlier this evening....I followed Jarom into the bathroom.
He was flossing before bed and I needed to SPILL the contents of my mind.
I started in: I am....ummmm.....anxious Jarom! I am a bad mother! I don't teach jaxson stuff during the day. I don't do anything. For pete sake, he watched 4 hours of TV today, I didn't leave the house because of this pathetic weather. The toilets need to be scrubbed but I just pace instead of DO IT. I have nothing to do...and I am stressed about it! But at the same time...if you give me something to do...I will be stressed about it until it is accomplished and done:) I am a complete and utter failure. What should I do tomorrow. I know: Let's make a list! What do you need me to do tomorrow? Anything.....anything at all? Stop for breath. And why did I decide dark wood throughout the entire house was a freaking good idea!?! Do I want to spend my entire life dusting...NO. Why is there so much dust! I don't think our doors seal right or something. When are you going to get our taxes done? This weekend. When....before or after the Easter egg hunt! Didn't you remember it is Easter? Oh....honey....what should I do tomorrow? Why do people care so much about Weight anyways? Wouldn't it be awesome if all the women in the world just got together and agreed...we made a pact that we would ALL STOP CARING...then everybody could take a deep breath and ENJOY life instead of stress about calories!!!! I don't mean pig out and be unhealthy...I mean....QUIT CARING. Afterall...I think WOMEN care MORE about what other WOMEN think than they do about men. If we all agreed to stop caring together...wouldn't it put everyone at ease? I mean..I could care less about what you think! Should I hire that guy to plaster the foundation of the house? Remember that one guy who gave me a bid last week. .....
At this point Jarom still hadn't said a word. He went about his flossing...in silence.
I turned to him and said: ".....AND.....!!!!!?????"
He said this. Really Slowly: RRREEEELLLLAAAAXXXX
Something he is VERY good at....and I suck at. Totally.
I hate to make myself seem THAT uptight....because I wouldn't say that is a true reflection...I just prefer to be busy:)
Shortly after that...he fell to sleep.
I paced the kitchen for a good hour...finished off the package of iced oatmeal cookies (holy cow those are good...and yes I mean the 1.00 GV ones) and do what I do best.
Made. A. List.
I have purpose again!
I made myself a big fat long list.
I was thinking of anything and everything I could do.
1- Tie up loose ends with the house (the project that never ends I swear it)
2-Get bids for hauling away dirt pile in backyard (the excitement just doesn't end!)
3-Call Fireplace Guy about Clicker Thingy....
I was just hit with this thought!
I AM A BAD MOTHER.
I mean...my child was put to bed last night wearing the T-shirt he wore all day at the park. He then woke up...didn't bathe...threw on jeans and wore the same shirt for the 2nd day in a row. SICKKKKKKKO. I just admitted that.
I didn't care. It wasn't worth the effort. Plus-he thought it was GREAT!
He also watched 4.5 hours of TV today.
What in the??!?!??!
I talked on the phone, cleaned, loaded the dishwasher, checked my e-mail 7 times....and PACED while he was glued to the Disney Channel. All because I am too lazy to play with him...or find something WORTH WHILE for him to do.
I mean---I keep all Playdoh, Crayons, Markers, Watercolors, Stickers up high so he can't even play with his own stuff!!! How pointless.
Do you agree yet?!? I AM a bad mother. (sometimes)
So I am making a goal.
Not perfection: because NOBODY is and it's exhausting trying to be...but a goal that fits ME.
Whenever I make a list...I will include fun things to do with Jaxson.
Things that are OUT of the ordinary.
Things that make him smart.
Things that make him laugh.
Things that create memories (for both him and me)
I am quiting right now!
Quiting getting sucked in to the obsession with Weight. Blah. I'm done.
Quitting cleaning every morning for an hour. Do I want my child to remember me cleaning every single morning of his childhood? What about when he goes off to school and I don't get to spend my mornings with him. Oh...I have been so stupid! I quit trying to have a dust-free house. Nobody cares. I don't even care that much....I just love to dust. For fun:)
No more wasting time.
I crossed off my list and made a new one that looks like this:
1-Take jaxson to feed the ducks
2-Let Jaxson have as many glasses of chocolate milk as he wants today...ignore Doctor totally.
3-Play catch if he wants...don't make him wait til dad comes home
4-Teach him something new
5-Do a puzzle
6-Read a book
7-Don't yell at him when he begs for his 13th otter pop. You bought them. You deserve it!
If and only if I accomplish these things....I will allow myself to do the other things on my LIST!
I will report our day. Perhaps in pictures....because I think it would be fun:)
Here's to Making Motherhood Count
None of the other crap matters:)