Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I'm pacing....

Jarom HATES when I pace.
I have been pacing all night long.
I am anxious. I have too many things on my mind.
What. Is. Wrong. With. Me
TOO many to share on here...that is for sure.
Although: That has never stopped me from trying:)
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Sometimes I stress over nothing. How does Jarom put it...
Oh Yes...."I am FINDING things to stress over!" he says. Ha!
Why would I go and do something so stupid.
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Then I realize...Oh Crap...He's right.
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Earlier this evening....I followed Jarom into the bathroom.
He was flossing before bed and I needed to SPILL the contents of my mind.
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I started in: I am....ummmm.....anxious Jarom! I am a bad mother! I don't teach jaxson stuff during the day. I don't do anything. For pete sake, he watched 4 hours of TV today, I didn't leave the house because of this pathetic weather. The toilets need to be scrubbed but I just pace instead of DO IT. I have nothing to do...and I am stressed about it! But at the same time...if you give me something to do...I will be stressed about it until it is accomplished and done:) I am a complete and utter failure. What should I do tomorrow. I know: Let's make a list! What do you need me to do tomorrow? Anything.....anything at all? Stop for breath. And why did I decide dark wood throughout the entire house was a freaking good idea!?! Do I want to spend my entire life dusting...NO. Why is there so much dust! I don't think our doors seal right or something. When are you going to get our taxes done? This weekend. When....before or after the Easter egg hunt! Didn't you remember it is Easter? Oh....honey....what should I do tomorrow? Why do people care so much about Weight anyways? Wouldn't it be awesome if all the women in the world just got together and agreed...we made a pact that we would ALL STOP CARING...then everybody could take a deep breath and ENJOY life instead of stress about calories!!!! I don't mean pig out and be unhealthy...I mean....QUIT CARING. Afterall...I think WOMEN care MORE about what other WOMEN think than they do about men. If we all agreed to stop caring together...wouldn't it put everyone at ease? I mean..I could care less about what you think! Should I hire that guy to plaster the foundation of the house? Remember that one guy who gave me a bid last week. .....
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At this point Jarom still hadn't said a word. He went about his flossing...in silence.
I turned to him and said: ".....AND.....!!!!!?????"
He said this. Really Slowly: RRREEEELLLLAAAAXXXX
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Something he is VERY good at....and I suck at. Totally.
I hate to make myself seem THAT uptight....because I wouldn't say that is a true reflection...I just prefer to be busy:)
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Shortly after that...he fell to sleep.
I paced the kitchen for a good hour...finished off the package of iced oatmeal cookies (holy cow those are good...and yes I mean the 1.00 GV ones) and do what I do best.
Made. A. List.
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I have purpose again!
I made myself a big fat long list.
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I was thinking of anything and everything I could do.
1- Tie up loose ends with the house (the project that never ends I swear it)
2-Get bids for hauling away dirt pile in backyard (the excitement just doesn't end!)
3-Call Fireplace Guy about Clicker Thingy....
---and then---
I was just hit with this thought!
I AM A BAD MOTHER.
I Am.
(sometimes)
I mean...my child was put to bed last night wearing the T-shirt he wore all day at the park. He then woke up...didn't bathe...threw on jeans and wore the same shirt for the 2nd day in a row. SICKKKKKKKO. I just admitted that.
I didn't care. It wasn't worth the effort. Plus-he thought it was GREAT!
He also watched 4.5 hours of TV today.
What in the??!?!??!
I talked on the phone, cleaned, loaded the dishwasher, checked my e-mail 7 times....and PACED while he was glued to the Disney Channel. All because I am too lazy to play with him...or find something WORTH WHILE for him to do.
I mean---I keep all Playdoh, Crayons, Markers, Watercolors, Stickers up high so he can't even play with his own stuff!!! How pointless.
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Do you agree yet?!? I AM a bad mother. (sometimes)
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So I am making a goal.
Not perfection: because NOBODY is and it's exhausting trying to be...but a goal that fits ME.
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Whenever I make a list...I will include fun things to do with Jaxson.
Things that are OUT of the ordinary.
Things that make him smart.
Things that make him laugh.
Things that create memories (for both him and me)
I am quiting right now!
Quiting getting sucked in to the obsession with Weight. Blah. I'm done.
Quitting cleaning every morning for an hour. Do I want my child to remember me cleaning every single morning of his childhood? What about when he goes off to school and I don't get to spend my mornings with him. Oh...I have been so stupid! I quit trying to have a dust-free house. Nobody cares. I don't even care that much....I just love to dust. For fun:)
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No more wasting time.
I crossed off my list and made a new one that looks like this:
1-Take jaxson to feed the ducks
2-Let Jaxson have as many glasses of chocolate milk as he wants today...ignore Doctor totally.
3-Play catch if he wants...don't make him wait til dad comes home
4-Teach him something new
5-Do a puzzle
6-Read a book
7-Don't yell at him when he begs for his 13th otter pop. You bought them. You deserve it!
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If and only if I accomplish these things....I will allow myself to do the other things on my LIST!
I will report our day. Perhaps in pictures....because I think it would be fun:)
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Here's to Making Motherhood Count
None of the other crap matters:)

16 comments:

Erin said...

Am I crazy if I post a comment on your blog again and you don't know me?! I promise I am not a freak (hee hee!) Anyway, I think alot of us mommies feel like this. I feel like you just posted my life...HONEST! We moved into a new house (yes...dark floors too...never again!) and I find myself spending more time doing odds and ends then doing what matters...spending time with my boys! This post is a GREAT reminder that I need to do better too! Thanks for sharing!

Erin

Kristin said...

Thanks Erin! I love your comments:) Makes me feel like people might actually read it. Stopy by often!!!!

The Wells Family said...

oh my heck. this is my life. and it gets worse after more kids join the crew. and you are normal!! each day i complain to rob that i am ignoring bobby and not giving him the attention he needs...blah, blah, blah. thank you for more motivation. :) and yes, i had to laugh, when jarom some, "relax". because my husband says it the SAME way and tells me it often. the scenery was so picture perfect at our house. :) love...love..love your honesty about life because it is so nice to know i am not the only crazy one! ha! :)

The Wells Family said...

okay..obvious there is a reason i shouldn't type in the middle of the night. please ignore ALL my typos in my comment. :)

Brandy said...

You couldn't have said it better, not that you're a bad mother of course! I'm a nanny and when I'm there M-F I focus only on the boys and Tyler gets all my attention. But at night and on the weekends I'm always doing stuff around the house and not giving him the attention he NEEDS from me. He follows us around and cries, but the second I sit with him he plays with his toys, he's telling me he NEEDS me! I have to always remind myself that he will not always need me so I NEED to enjoy this time I have with my baby. Before we know it they're going to be in school, hanging with their friends and want nothing to do with their mommy. Enjoy your time with your baby, the housework can wait! Wow, I use the word need a lot :)

{Linds} said...

Hi! You Don't Know me either... I Feel weird posting a comment But seriously.. I wanted to cry reading your post because It is EXACTLY how I feel!!! So I'm so glad I am not alone!! Thanks for posting this! and I know You are not a bad mom just by your cute blog and things you do with your son already!!

Cris, Callie, and Cayten said...

Totally feel your pain. I am the EXACT same way. I have to continue to obsess over weight but I have stopped using this DANG computer and playing with my kids more. I made that goal Monday and wouldn't you believe it, my week has gone much better than it has in a LONG time!

The Christensens said...

Oh my goodness.... you are NOT a bad mom.... I always read your blog and think " i wish I was half the mom she was"! I have those days to ( and alot of them lately) My life is so busy with dance/ extra practices / soccer/ competitions/ work.. etc that I fill like I get nothing done, and by nothing that includes playing with my kids.... I am pretty sure I have a had a few of those days lately where gunner woke up in the same shirt from the day before and we were so rushed we just threw some clean pants on .... it happens...!! I am totally with you on the weight thing to... I continue to obsess over it day in and day out, and I HATE it, but am pretty sure it will NEVER end!! It drives my husband CrAzY!!! It makes me feel a little more normal though to know I am not the only one that obsess'

Madi said...

You don't know me either but I love your blog!
You are beautiful! Please don't stress about your weight, you are so tiny!
And you seem like a great momma. Your babe is gonna remember the fact that you gave him 12 otter pops and as much chocolate milk as he asked for and not that you were "a bad mom, sometimes."
Thank you for posting this. I have felt the same way and have done the same things.
We have to remember that we can't do it all and it's okay to not want to do it all everyday. :)

Jessie said...

Sounds to me like there are quite a few of us out there that could COPY and PASTE this post to our own blogs and it would be as if we wrote it ourselves.

In fact, I couldn't help but laugh through most the post {sorry} only because it is so applicable to my life.

heddomarie said...

Sounds like your not alone.. and I'm right there with you! I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking these same things.. I don't spend enough time with Kenny, I have been lazy about things I could do to remodel my house (remove nasty old lady wallpaper). Hey my husband might want to take some of that dirt off your hands...

Ktbug said...

It's time to pull out the playdoh and Easter candy and enjoy. The laundry won't go anywhere and the dust and dirt won't grow up. But that cute little stinker will. So roll up your sleeves, eat some junk, and get messy. And then get your skinny little butt back to cache valley so you can help me scrapbook. HeHeHe.

jen said...

I have been procrastinating a holiday I want to invent called "Lulu's Day." A day that is totally my daughters and we will play all day and only do stuff for her and I won't be at all focused on me or what I want or need to do. I have been wanting to make this holiday since she was around a year old and she is now about to turn four! I think the main reason it hasn't happened is because I couldn't put together a list like you just did! I love that list and I am going to steal it and girl it up. Thank you so much for posting that and for your honesty. I think we all need to make a mom club. Sounds like a lot of moms out there are feeling just like you. I know I am! Thanks Kristin.

Emmett and Ashlee said...

Seriously! I loved that post. We all feel like this, many days! Thanks for the great reminder to get on the floor and show my kids why I love being their mom. You are great. If all they remember is a clean house, that will for sure suck! Maybe we will jump in my huge mound of clean clothes! Thanks for sharing!

The Happy Holladay's said...

I love this post Kristin! Hey I lost your emails so email me bhholladay04@yahoo.com and I'll add you to my blog!!!

Sabrina said...

Here Here! Let's make Motherhood count!

Sometimes we all have depressing, lazy days but the only thing we can do after them is to get back up and do better tomorrow!

I agree with you about the weight issue---hate it!

And totally love the fact that Jarom is so perfect for you! Ditto to what he said: Relax!

Love ya Kristin! You really are a great mother...keep trying to be the best you can be.

And don't clean so much, in twenty years the dust will still be there but Jaxson won't be! (learned this from my grandmother)