....haven't ruined him yet....

I remember VERY CLEARLY Jaxson's 5th night of life:) My mom was in Omaha.... busy taking care of us and catering to my every need:) I remember crashing on the couch...holding my perfectly swaddled little baby and fighting the sleep that I VERY MUCH needed. Tears started a comin' and didn't stop for oh, a few weeks:) I remember bawling for HOURS that night....mumbling things to my mom like "I don't want him to grow up....I AM GOING TO RUIN HIM....I have no clue what to do!"

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I later realized it MUST have been all that percocet talking (ha ha).... but I have to admit....on occasion...since that emotion-filled night almost 2 years ago....I have felt that exact same feeling inside: "I AM GOING TO RUIN HIM!"

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Do any of you mother's know what I'm talking about???

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I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to make them (our children) perfect! I may be speaking for myself....but I READ WAY TOO many books that made me believe Jaxson's sleeping habits, eating habits, and ability to perform baby sign language before he could hold his head up were ALL that mattered.

So So Stupid.

I decided that night...or maybe early into the next morning (his 6th day of life:) that I quit. I was going to have fun. SURE...I have had my fair share of "you're going to let him what...?" or "he should take a nap!"...or "a bath before bed is what's best"....or " he can't eat hot dogs for lunch EVERYDAY"....comments! hee hee....

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and guess what....HE'S ALIVE.

and the best part is.... I've FAR from ruined him:)

He is awesome. Can't sign me a thing....but man, he's great.

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WHICH BRINGS ME TO WHAT I'VE BEEN PUTTING HIM THROUGH THE LAST FEW DAYS! (oh...the authors of all those baby books would turn me in to child services:) Afterall, a kid needs routine, right? Ya, right:)

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Jaxson has spent the past week straight shopping and running errands. Every...single....day. He get's ripped out of bed and taken out in the freezing cold to fight for parking, scope out deals, and listen to me and his grandma debate which size/color/shape of knobs to purchase for the kitchen cabinets. This is not so much MY idea...as it is my mom's. She has SOOOO much Christmas shopping to do it's insane, not to mention all the home improvements they've been busy with...and she prefers company. So I go:)

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Well....the guilt started to set in today while I was "dabbing" the grease off of his pizza slice (dinner) in Sam's Club an hour ago. I kept thinking: "I am the worst mom on the planet!"

and then I thought......"or am I?"

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Jaxson HASN'T had a nap in a week straight....and last night climbed into bed at about 12:15 a.m. after eating half a bag of cookies and cream hershey kisses! Gasp.

Most mom's would agree this is a bad move and probably consider taking a few Valum and giving themselves a guilt trip for a few hours. I am guilty of this on occasion as well:) BUT THEN I thought as he climbed into bed with me last night "he's giggling...and snuggling....and just kissed me on the nose and said NIGHT NIGHT MOMMA!" He's happy and knows I love him. That's all that matters.

I guess I haven't ruined him yet.

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He was then ripped out of bed this morning...NOT given a bath.... and fed 1 handful of red and green Christmas M&M's for breakfast....(and a sippy of milk to wash em' down)....before heading to Layton for more shopping and errands. Gasp again.

Then I thought: This kid probably loves his life! He just ate M&M's for breakfast instead of choking down some disgusting organic meal that tasts like tree bark! He wasn't bawling...but instead giggling.....AND completely loves me...and that tells me one thing

"I haven't ruined him yet."

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Then today in Home Depot, while making the decision between bronzed or brown lighting fixtures for the laundry room, he looked at me and simply said, "Momma...I pooped." As if asking me...if it wouldn't be too much trouble....to fix the situation he was currently sitting in. Oh-How patient:)

THE LIST GOES ON:

In Seagull Book and Tape he was totally convinced that a roll of Christmas wrapping paper was a "bat" and he proceeded to wack all towers/displays of books making a loud "pooooowww" sound with his mouth on every swing. Me (the mother) who should have been appalled...couldn't find it in me to punish him. I have to hand it to him...it did look just like a bat. Oh...how creative:)

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I also had to change his diaper on the front seat of the car....with the door open....in 20 degree weather....and I was so freaking cold I wanted to cry. I looked down at my half-naked child while I was whiping his butt with an ice-cold wipey and he looked up and smiled a huge grin at me and said... "mamma.....it's B-B-B-RRRRRR". Are you serious? Oh-how positive:)

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He doesn't mind a bit. He laughs and laughs....shouts "Hi!" and "Hello" to everyone we see....and is the most easy going little guy ever. Asking me to change his "poops" is about as whiney as he gets. Lucky me. Oh....and he LOVES me to kiss his "Ouchies". He thinks that is that greatest thing ever these days.

We made it home. Another day without a nap...another day with an unhealthy breakfast, lunch and dinner...and another day full of memories where we laughed, played and I cherished the fun parts of being a mother instead of stressing that I might ruin him.

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He's Healthy.

He's Happy.

He's (as of right now) growling like a dinosaur and pretending to tickle my toes.

Oh-and He's begging for a popsicle.

(I'm giving in...because he said "peese" in the sweetest voice EVER.)

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Looks like he's not ruined....YET.