5 years ago tonight....

I was 9 months pregnant with YOU Jaxson....my FIRST BABY...and anxiously awaiting your arrival.  My day of work was LONG and painful....but I was in complete denial that it meant you were on the way.

Your nursery was ready...my bags were packed....Chicago Cubs Jersey's and Binky's were ordered and placed in your dresser. I had been over-prepared for weeks, yet somehow I still didn't feel ready to be your mom.

 I guess the job seemed a tad too special and overwhelming to me. 

 I was working the split-shift as a teacher at Vatterott College and had a job that I loved.

Daddy and I lived in Omaha Nebraska and were pretty much ALONE...in the middle of nowhere!

MARCH 6th, 2007 was a LONG day on my feet....lecturing my students about the skeletal system and quizzing them on Terminology of the Head/Neck. Mommy was kind of a nerd...but I loved it:)

I remember driving home from work at about 11:00 p.m. and climbing into a big bubble bath.

I FELT SO HUGE! I was swollen and tired and ready to be done.
(in comparison to what I am now...I was a petite little thing:) haha.

As I soaked in the tub and watched you wiggle and squirm in my tummy...I called Grandma and had a nervous breakdown.

Figures. That sounds exactly like me, doesn't it??? 

What was I doing...having a baby!!???

"I don't  know how to be a mother!".... I bawled into the phone.

This wasn't about playing "house" or "dress-up" with a little doll! This was serious!!!..somebody was going to give me a WHOLE person and I was completley responsible for keeping them alive and teaching them and making sure they turn out to be a good person. Oh crap!!

I told Grandma that I wasn't ready.

I loved my JOB!

I liked working and feeling "important"!

I loved being busy....what was I supposed to do staying home all day??

I was TERRIFIED to have you come out....and what birth would possibly be like?!?

I kept telling daddy that I would be the ONE GIRL in the last decade to die giving birth because of ZERO pain tolerance. I was so stressed!

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She told me to BREATH....and pointed out the small fact that "It was a little too late at this point....".

You were coming in a few short weeks no matter what....and I would love it, she assured me.

I wiped my tears.

Got out of the tub.

.....and heard a POP!....

It was just after midnight on March 7th.

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It took about 1 split second for me to KNOW, without a doubt, what had just happened.

You were coming.

I think my body and emotions knew that you were coming BEFORE my mind agreed to accept it!!!

It definitely explains the rush of emotions and the complete panic attack I had to grandma only minutes prior to realizing I was in labor.

Labor (if you can call it that).

I felt nothing.

(can a girl get that lucky twice in a row?)

please bless.

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Dad flew out of bed and ran around like we had 3 seconds before you were in our arms.

I didn't mind all the rushing....because  I wanted to get there.....and achieve my number one goal: GET NUMB. :)

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March 7th, 2007 was hands down the best day of my life.

It was just me and your dad.

We kind of loved being alone:)

It was peaceful...no visitors...nobody even knew we were at the hospital!

It was just me and your dad...doing nothing but talking and waiting and wondering what you'd be like.

I will never forget how anxious I was...and how I refused to let your dad sleep becuase I was too excited.

Morning came and things moved fast.

It wasn't long before they handed you over to me and we met for the first time.

I have watched the video clip of that moment hundreds of times in the last 5 years and can tell you every little detail of our first few minutes together.

I immediately noticed your HUGE eyes....and your lack of one single eyelash!

Dad snapped over 1000 pictures.

I just stared at you....didn't shed a tear...didn't say much....just stared.

Shock...I think you could call it:)

You were perfect.

I was so grateful that I LIVED through it...and that it didn't even hurt. haha!

I was so grateful that you were healthy and adorable beyond description.

I was soooooo in love with your dad I wanted to smother him. I wouldn't let him leave my presence for DAYS. Other than the one hour I gave him to run home and clean the entire apartment spotless before I even considered bringing you home to it.

You didn't know it then...but you do now.

Mommy is kinda Crazy.

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It's hard to put into words what the last 5 years with you has meant to me.  

So I'll just sit here and bawl and kiss you and hug on you until you squirm away and beg to play the Wii with your dad.

Mommy wrote your traditional birthday love letter a few nights ago!

So here it is....

I had a very exhausting but rewarding weekend...throwing you 2 big birthday parties!

(pictures to come...)

You are officially BIG.

...and soon you won't be my only "baby" anymore....which is totally traumatizing to my emotions right now so I won't even go there tonight.....

I just want you to know that you're loved and that you mean the world to us.

Mommy and daddy are really really proud to be your parents.

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Your Birthday Letter: March 7, 2012

Dear Jax,

You’re FIVE! ….and I guess that means it’s time for your special birthday letter. I love this tradition I’ve started for you. It is so rewarding as your mommy to look back and see how much you change and grow in ONE short year. I love reading through your past letters more than YOU will someday…I’m sure of it!  

It is also a perfect opportunity to sit down and express to you just how much I LOVE you son. I love recording exactly HOW you are now…at this little stage of your life. It seems I want to freeze you in time at every stage we’ve had so far! I guess that means that I’m truly enjoying and embracing all of them…no matter how hard I resist letting you pass from one to the next.

I’m not quite sure how it happened…but we are nearing another birthday for you.  The past 5 years went by so fast and at the same time I feel like you’ve been my little sidekick forever. I keep telling you to stop growing and you remind me that you can “hang out with me all day AFTER kindergarten!”  I think you’re having mixed feelings about getting older too thoughJ. You want to stay my baby forever….and I’m ok with that idea.

We don’t do CHANGE very well, you and I.

You aren’t, however, having mixed feelings about having another birthday party!!! You cannot stop talking about your wish list. I keep preparing you for the fact that birthdays are UNLIKE Christmas morning.

Mommy is doing her best to throw some parties together to make you feel special though…because you are.

You are everything to me.

We’ve been through a pretty challenging year together, haven’t we?

I couldn’t have chosen a better little partner…I want you to know that. Someday, when you are old enough to understand more, I will give you a huge pile of letters I’ve written to you over the last 2 years. You saved me little man….and for that, you’ll always have my heart wrapped around your little finger.

You call me your “ANGEL”…..but you’re definitely mine.

I’m certain that the twins will only multiply my love and they will surely hold a special place in my heart….but YOU….I can’t find words adequate enough to describe it. I’m pretty sure our bond cannot be duplicated. For that I am so grateful. These 5 years with YOU and ONLY YOU as my baby have been the greatest most meaningful of my life.

I adore you. I am in awe that someone so small can truly be the glue holding me together at times. I think that’s the biggest blessing of motherhood for me. It gives me purpose to keep pushing:  NO MATTER WHAT. Quitting, stopping, sleeping, resting…they simply aren’t an option.  I became so focused on you during times of trial….that I forgot my own sorrows for days at a time. I owe you….big time for thatJ

 It may have something to do with the reality I faced that you were my ONE AND ONLY baby in this lifetime. (For your sake I am so grateful that isn’t the case). I’m pretty sure one human couldn’t withstand the amount of love and affection we POUR onto you…for the rest of your life. It is much better that it be divided up a bit, agreed???

This year has been so interesting to watch you grow. Daddy and I talk about your little emerging personality daily. You have so many similarities to us and are truly showing us the person you’re going to be someday when you’re all grown up.

Right now you are VERY excited to be a big brother. You are somewhat concerned with the “cuddling” arrangements because you are usually smack dab in the MIDDLE….and I can tell you are putting much thought into how things will work out with 2 more added into the mix. Your classic position is sandwiched between us with one arm linked around each of our necks. SIGH. We LOVE it. We tease you and pretend to fight over you. Let’s just say that you DO NOT have self-esteem issues. JJ

You take such good care of me and always remind me to REST and ask if the babies are kicking me! Today you said…. “I know what the babies doing right now mom! They are staring at your heart…because it’s so beautiful.” Haha! Where did you come from child???

You are VERY concerned with right and wrong and see EVERYTHING in black and white these days! That is definitely ME coming out in you I’m afraidJ. You are a very opinionated child…and honey, someday you will be on the debate team because you can argue a point and hold your own with the best of them!

You memorize everything that is ever told to you, or that you hear or see on TV or a movie. This has helped you excel greatly in school. You are a sponge and it makes me happy to see that you’re so smart!  This has also caught me and your dad off guard at times….and we laugh until we cry at the funny things you’ll repeat. We then, of course, stress over keeping your little sponge-like brain away from all of the negative in this world.

You LOVE friends and know exactly what you want (like your mama)….but you are quite SHY on occasion (like your daddy).  You are a human GPS and can remember locations and directions and your surroundings 100% of the time (like your daddy). You are extremely affectionate (like your mama) and you kiss and cuddle and beg to snuggle on the couch. Lately you’ve been asking me to lay on the bed and “kiss”. Haha!!!

When dad asks you what you are doing…you will nonchalantly respond.. “kissing my girl!”

aaaagghhhhhh……I love it. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL SOMETHING LIKE THAT LAST ANYHOW????

I’ll take it while I can.

You are so protective of me and it’s adorable. You treat me like a queen and I’m in shock daily how respectful and worried you are about me all the time. You treat me and daddy so differently! The moment he arrives home you tackle him and wrestle. You punch him in the stomach or attack him with nerf guns/ light sabers/etc.

 HE is your buddy. You call me your “angel”.

Me, on the other hand, you rub my back and constantly tell me to “sit down” all day long. You remind me of my Dr.’s orders more than anyone else in the world!! You’re like me little BOSS. The other day I collapsed on the couch completely exhausted and you ran to the bathroom and got a big jug of lotion. You came over to me and started rubbing it on my feet!!! When I asked you what on earth you were doing….you responded…. “This is what boys do when their mama has babies in her tummy!”

What kind of angel are you anyhow?!?! How do you come up with this stuff on your own?

You surely haven’t seen your dad do something like thatJ Ever. Ha!

I cuddle you and whisper…“your gonna make some girl really really happy someday!” and it’s so true.

I love your spirit and your heart. You are so sensitive to the GOOD things in life and are quick to correct us and keep us on the right path. You remind us to say our prayers….you are quick to detect “mean words” playing on the radio or the TV and I can’t help but think…. “you are teaching me much more than I am teaching you.”

You still have a love and indescribable bond with your yellow blanket.  I forced you to let me wash it tonight and I thought the 45 minute separation was going to kill you.  I secretly love it…because it means TO ME that your still my little boy. Please don’t ever outgrow yellow. I will die.

I am so glad you came to our family.

I love you Jaxson John.

Thanks for being mine.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy.

Love,

Your Mom