Food: My friend! & More Journal entries:)

First,
If I would have known how many wonderful emails and messages I would have gotten...I would have told you all how bad my life was a LONG TIME AGO:)
 It was awesome.
Thank you.
I love reading them.
I love that I can relate or share the same feelings with so many of you.
 I love that something I said sparked something in you enough to reach out and write:)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I hope you continue to do so! I have countless journal entries of this process still coming (I am hoping to tell the WHOLE STORY by Christmas so that after the holidays I can kiss goodbye to 2011 and move forward). Tt is so special for me to hear your words of encouragement and stories of your own struggles/loss. Thanks for taking the time.
Thanks for being interested.
Thanks for saying WAY too many nice words about me:)
xoxo

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Tonight as Jaxson lay on the couch watching some wierdo pokemon show (seriously???? I remember when my little brother was obsessed with those slightly disturbing characters...and now it's my baby)....I gave him a chocolate hershy kiss filled with carmel.

I thought he ate it.

He fell asleep on top of it instead.

Never underestimate what one small hershey kiss can do to a leather couch!
I sat on the bar eating a slice of the most delicious carmely-chocalately goo-covered cake that my neighbor brought me...while watching Jarom clean it up.

IT looked difficult:)
ha.
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on a sidenote:

Food is my new best friend.
I am hungry 24/7.
Like...out-eat-2-grown-men-hungry.

When I'm not hungry I am thinking about what I can eat when I AM hungry.

I have put much thought into why this is.
Especially because my "what to expect book" says that each baby needs an extra 300 calories ONLY at this point.

First, that's a lie.
How on earth can someone determine that??
And if they can....and they are right by some small miracle...then someone explain to me the insane hunger pains that occur when I try to convince myself a "fiber one" bar will suffice.

I think after 27 years of living on this planet...I can decipher between a hunger pain and an
 I-am-bored-so-I-eat pain.
It's hunger. Serious hunger. & Thirst.

Jarom kindly packed snacks in my church bag on Sunday....and when I peered in to see what kind of goods he had chosen...I exclaimed "I could eat this on the drive there!"

Really, 6 baby carrots and a pop-tart.
no, not gonna cut it:)
I would have wasted away to nothing during those long 3 hours.

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 Also-have any of you tried a big old bag of crunchy cheetos lately???
I have been depriving myself of some of the best things in life!

That's what I decided I want for Christmas.
Some alone time with a Family Size bag of cheetos.
Oh my.

Then....one of my preschoolers brought krispy kremes to school today.
Really???
I forgot they exist HOW????

Maybe because both of those things (cheetos and Krispy kremes) fell under the
"NEVER BUY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE"
category before I was pregnant wiht twinners.

Now....I eat one for each of us. Of everything:)
...and it's kinda nice just living life...not caring....
knowing that even if I torture myself with fiber one bars and activia yogurt...the odds of my looking like I swallowed a perfectly round cantalope are not good.

I will look like a whale come spring/summer.
Serious....google "pictures of pregnant with twins".
ummmm........

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*
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So...my minds made up.
I WILL Live!
a full...and happy...guilt free...food-filled life:)

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I think I'll start with a trip to the cheesecake factory for my anniversary.
Do you think my massive gallstones will forgive me for a piece of
"Adam's peanut butter fudge ripple cheesecake" ???

Oh....that attack last week hurt so bad I didn't think I would live to see the light of the next day.....but at the current moment the cheesecake sounds worth re-living it!

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Journal entries from August 19-September 10, 2011  

FRIDAY AUGUST 19, 2011,

Today was our injection class. It was odd. I kept staring at the needles and vials of drugs thinking “I guess this is gonna happen then.”

  I only had ONE major breakdown.

(me on Injection class day:) 7:30 a.m.! Here we go!!!

 I only had one minute  when I put my face in my hands and sobbed.

I think it hit me….how unfair it all is.  SO MANY WOMEN have to go through this without any GAURANTEE of a pregnancy. So many Women feel scared and helpless and do this everyday…while others (me included) are just living their lives with kids that came so easy. I thought about how many months/years I went about life completely oblivious to the fact that other women were suffering like this.  I have never felt so SAD. I wasn’t necessarily sad that I had to go through it at that moment….I mean, I would rather NOT …but I just felt so much sorrow at that moment  for all the women walking the halls of that facility. We can pass each other in the halls and with one glance KNOW the depths of despair and sorrow and helplessness that each other has felt.  Handfuls of women take out a loan….put their brains and bodies through HELL and back….and that little pregnancy test has the nerve to turn negative. It was overwhelming.

I now belong to a group of people that are paying….their entire savings account for a CHANCE at a little morning sicknessJ  I just needed, yet another moment, to get over it. I did.

When my frustration was all out….I wiped my tears….ripped the cap off the needle and shoved it into the little rubber-like teaching tool that is supposed to represent the fat roll on my tummyJ

 I can do this. I can do this.

I hope.

I was then given my final calendar. It has the next 6-8 weeks of my life planned out to the minute pretty much.

Behold: my lifeline=drug schedule.

Drugs, times, dosages, days, etc. all organized into weeks and taped to the inside of cupboard:)  

I start Lupron injections on September 11^th. Lupron suppresses the hormones in my system and prevents me from releasing any eggs this month (we want to save them up so we can get them all at once!) THEN I start Stims (Follicular Stimulating Hormone  drugs-FSH) 2 weeks later. I will do 4-5 shots in my stomach every day for those few weeks.  Oct 3-7^th will be what they call “MY IVF WEEK”. That is the week I am scheduled for egg retrieval.  I am scared for that week to come….but also approaching it with a little bit of excitement and hope. It’s amazing humans can find a glimmer of hope to hang onto after being beaten down for so long.

My fridge looks like a pharmacy.

My bathroom is filled with Sharps Containers for old needles & alcohol swabs.

We are ready.

 I KNOW this will work out. I know that if it doesn’t work this time….I will try again. Sometimes I am more happy about that fact than others…ha ha….but I know I have a few little ones in heaven just waiting for their turn to come to our family. They are watching me….and with some luck….are vowing to be perfect angels for the duration of their life so I won’t suffer anymore than I already am on their behalf! Ha!

After what felt like hours of stress….and ONE detailed ultrasound….they decided it was best to up my dosages. Was I surprised? Not really. Afterall, this is ME we’re talking about. “Out of the ordinary” is starting to be the ordinary at our house. That DID stressed me out a little. But, what doesn’t these days???? It was hard to accept that my insides don’t feel as healthy and strong as my outside. I mean, have you ever had someone look you in the eye and tell you “you are sick!” I always feel like saying…. “really? I am?”

 

Often times I distance myself from it….because it feels like they are talking about someone else entirely.

The higher dosages mean this: More Meds, More Side effects, More Money. You are welcome Jarom! He has started saying “you are the most expensive woman on the planet!”  Everything in this process has been MORE MONEY than normal. ICSI is more money (which we are doing)….if we get enough embryo’s to freeze a few: more money.  Oh the fun.

The thing is….I can’t think of anything better to spend our money on.

While others are buying a new car….or a trip to a sandy beach somewhere…or Jarom’s latest DREAM (A HOT TUB)….we are pumping our money into our Family.  I feel proud of that. Afterall, our family….our children….they’re  the only thing we can take with us when this earthly experience is over.

Looks like the fun begins on Sunday Sept. 11^th. After that day my life will be ruled by that calendar they so kindly typed up for me. I will be at the U of U almost daily….I will teach preschool full time…try my hardest to make it to all tumbling classes and soccer games….and inject myself multiple times a day all on a strict time schedule!  In the meantime my ovaries and body will be working major overtime to develop 15 plus eggs at one time. I’m almost certain I won’t be capable of doing it gracefully. I mean….if my first pregnancy was any indicator of what my body is capable of putting me through….heaven help me.

I woke up this morning and glanced at the picture of the chubby, big-eyed boy hanging on the wall in my bedroom and I remembered something: IT WAS ALL COMPLETELY WORTH IT!

And it will be again.

Me

Thursday, August 25^th

Today I got some more rough news. 

Some days I am shocked at the continual downward spiral. Some days I am numb to it.

 It had to do with my countless other symptoms and problemsJ  My stomach pain, heartburn, reflux and overall….I want to die feeling….has continued to intensify for the past 18 months. It all started in college.  I THOUGHT it was the stress & transition of life, the pressure of getting an “A” on my upcoming psychcology test and moving in with roommates. Ugh. (I think that’s why I got married so quick….hated the whole 6 girls crammed into one house thing) THAT…and I fell head over heels for Jarom.  Everyone chalked it up to “stress”. I knew otherwise….but I just accepted it and tried to deal with it.

 While digging into “my health” and our infertility…I figured it was a good idea to assess my overall health and figure out exactly why my body was on strike. The truth is….I NEVER SHOULD have started digging aroundJ

Two weeks ago I got an overwhelming feeling that my symptoms were again bad enough that I should see a specialist. I knew that IVF was not only insanely expensive…but pretty intense and invasive and I wanted to be healthy before I started. I made an appointment. I got a lot of meaningless answers and told “to live with it…it’schronic and painful but it’s never going away!”

I was mad.  I wanted to give the doctor a piece of my mind. I kinda did….cuz keeping my feelings and emotions bottled up has never been my strong pointJ I mean….WHAT… AN… ASS .

Today…like 20 minutes before my big “BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT” open house, I get a call.

My blood results WERE back and it didn’t look good. I had antibodies in my blood and tested positive for something that I DID not want to have. Chrone’s Disease.  I will need medications forever. I will needs exams multiple times a year.  My heart sunk. She said the doctor wanted me scheduled for surgery (not another one PAAHHLEEASE!) immediately and a biopsy would need to be done to rule out bigger problems. Geez.

I was shocked. I was frustrated. I was heartbroken.

Jarom calmy reassured me  that everything  was going to be fine. It’s weird…because even though I cannot figure out HOW…..and I have a really hard time staying positive lately….I just BELIEVE HIM. Every time he talks to me…I feel comfort and in awe of his perspective. I feel bad for the poor man, because I call him daily at work and all he hears is sobs on the other end.

He just listens. Then, like always, brings me back to rational with his amazing long-term perspective. He has a way of making all the horrible disappear and I feel safe and like it’s all going to be fine within minutes of hearing his voice. I have called him so many times….hyperventilating…. “they told me I have this! I am going to die!  I need 10,000 dollars right now! I need you to take off work and drive me to the doctor…then to denny’s for a plate of French toast before I have a meltdown!

He does it. He never complains. He ALWAYS tells me that he’ll take care of it…and that the last thing he wants me to do is stress.

 A diagnosis was bittersweet. My pain and symptoms had a name. I wasn’t nutsJ

Anyhow….I am proud of myself because I haven’t let it stop me. Sure….I have wanted to lay down and quit at times….I mean how many times can someone be beaten down in one short year??? YET….I keep going! I look at the past few years…and although difficult…I have so many blessings. I have a really really really handsome husband with a testimonyJ Bonus.  Jaxson…well, he’s my biggest accomplishment and always will be. He’s as quick as a whip, he has to-die for big brown eyes that melt my heart and he’s convinced that I am a wonderfulJ

 I figure I must be doing something right.

They say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”….I sure hope that is true. I will continue to fight….and work until I am exhausted beyond belief…to accomplish my goals.  My number one goal is to be a Mother…..and to give Jaxson a sibling…..so that is what I will do.  I don’t think it will kill me….(it might come close, I’m not kidding)…but I can do this. I can do it because I have Jarom and Jaxson helping me through.

Man…I sure made the most perfect decision 7.5 years ago when I chose that man.

Here’s to praying that I don’t have many more rough days. EVENTUALLY things will get better. They have too.          

Me

Sept 10^th, 2011

Well….things did get worse. In my very last journal entry I wrote “ things can’t get much worse! They are bound to get better.”  WELL…don’t speak too soon, because things can always get worse.

My IVF doctor, Dr. Peterson, decided to put my IVF cycle on hold until I can get medically cleared from the other specialist regarding my new diagnosis and bloodwork that isn’t looking so good.

I was devastated.

I simply could not believe that after everything I’d been through…..this was happening.

I immediately called the specialist and requested a note saying that I could proceed with IVF if I wished.  I’ve been working towards this day for a long long time. I don’t want to wait anymore. I have paid ridiculous amounts of money and I was convinced and determined to continue.

I didn’t care about me…or my health. I would fix me later. I was ready and willing to choose my children. I just wanted them to give me the chance. 

The specialist refused to give me clearance to proceed. I sank to the floor in my laundry room while my assistant greeted my little preschoolers…..and I dialed Jarom’s number. I told him to fix it. I told him that I was nearing “my point”. The point in which I felt like I would freak out completelyJ We talked and were able to make a plan. He always makes me feel comfort.

If I can give anybody a piece of advice…it is this.

You will have hard times. It is inevitable. It may seem like you won’t…and like life is pretty great…but it will happen. And when it does, the best gift you can give yourself is someone who is strong and faithful and loves you. Someone who knows what’s important and who would do anything to make you happy. It’s definitely the key to happiness.  

Honestly, at that moment….I think the stress of it all was about to do me inJ

The strange thing…I never felt like giving up. If anything, It made my determination that much more intense. I refuse to take no for an answer.

After 2 days of talking and praying and discussing the doctor’s advice and all of our possible options….Jarom and I decided to proceed. I felt for several days….like I was being forced to choose between to impossible choices. Give up IVF….get surgery and medicate my problems….or deal with the pain and suffer but choose to attempt IVF against all doctors recommendations.

Do I know the outcome? No. Am I confident it will work? No. Not this time. I DO KNOW that eventually it will work. I have faith that it will. I am not certain of the Lord’s timing and I am and have been willing to do whatever is asked of me in the meantime.

For now, Jarom and I feel peace. He gave me a beautiful blessing and I know that this will all be a distant memory in a few years. I know that I will have more children and that I will have the opportunity to fix my other health problems and medicate them.

For now….tomorrow is the big day!

My entire extended family and Jarom’s is holding a family fast in our behalf tomorrow. I feel very loved and blessed today.

Tomorrow I embark on another journey.

It will be a difficult one. But I can do difficult things.

Love, Me

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My personal email: kristinbishop1@gmail.com