jarom~kristin~jaxson

Next year on Valentines Day....& a pregnant picture:(

2012-02-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

It's not that I didn't have a fabulous day...because it was actually quite FULL and FUN! ...it's just that I am currently planning what I will be capable of doing NEXT VALENTINE'S DAY...and it sounds absolutely amazing compared to my current state!

Examples: Sleep on my stomach, shave my legs, have something to wear, no heartburn, be at a normal non-sweaty temperature, make it through a romantic movie without peeing 4-10 times, etc.

I would take those things over a cruise to the carribean right about now:)

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First....
My Little Valentine!

Ok.....Get ready for it.......
Me pregnant with the Twinners at
21 WEEKS!!! oh my
from now on I will most likely crop out my face for your benefit. Look at those cheeks:)

I might be smiling and acting/looking somewhat comfortable in this picture.
Wrong.

Let me break it down for you.
I am VERY HAPPY because they are perfectly healthy and growing.
HOWEVER, I have two heads snuggled together...."head-butting" my bladder. Why oh why are they in the same position?? The past few weeks since they've both decided to flip head down...have been kinda painful. I seriously can't make sudden movements...because of the insane pressure and the the fact that I imagine them pinching my bladder between their noggins.

Because their heads are the biggest part of their body...they are stretching my lower stomach so fast I want to cry. I had a hard time putting weight on my right leg 2 weeks ago...come to find out my "roud ligament"....the one that allows your uterus to grow and stretch....kinda ripped or strained. It was a bad few days.

All FOUR feet are lodged right under my bra line and sometimes make it difficult to eat/breath.
I take a swallow...and it returns about 4 times...before it's able to find a spot and stay down.
Amazingly enough....this hasn't kept me from packing....on....the...pounds.

I am Swollen.
Like...as in...those boots are cutting off my circulation. My calfs have doubled in size...and every Sunday my feet are numb.
N...U...M...B. when I tke them off.
My arms and chest are life-size...and seem to be growing and shocking me daily. It....is...nuts.
Also....
I have a full blown double chin.
I was returning a mirror to hobby lobby...and as I was carrying it and waddling acrossed the parking lot...I glanced down and saw it. It was horrific. I had to turn the mirror upside down and sing "Count your blessings..." so I could make it into the store without barfing at my own reflection.

I am currently only 3 pounds away from weighing what I did the day I DELIVERED JAXSON.
Let's just say...I thought that swelling to life size proportions was only possible ONCE in a lifetime.
I was wrong.
I will possibly double that this time around:)

The good news is...Jarom swears he's still attracted to me.
I ask him about 3,001 times a day.
He even helps me out of bed and off the couch and such....and ignores the panting and heavy breathing/wheezing when I successfully climb the flight of stairs.
True Love.

All the facts being out on the table......
I want to SCREAM with excitement.

I bawl a little every day.
I get to have TWO BABIES.
One is a boy! SOOOO excited. Boys Rule!
One is a my first little girl! Oh the clothes she already has!!! The dreams I have about what she will be like. Please bless she grows up to have black hair and blue eyes like her daddy!

It is like I'm living a physical nightmare....but a complete dream come true all at the same time:)

Sometimes me or Jarom will turn to the other and say: "There are TWO babies in there!"

It is simply a miracle.
....and a once in a lifetime experience....

I CANNOT wait.
I CANNOT believe how lucky I get sometimes.

*******

Monday Night my mom came to visit and bring Jaxson a Valentine!
She started the whole Door-bell ditching cupid like 28 years ago....so she continued in her normal fashion. Jaxson was so surprised to see a present waiting for him when he answered the door.

She also brought me my 20 week gift!
She gives the baby/in my case (BABIES) a little something after the 20 week ultrasound. It is such an exciting time because they tell you how healthy and great they are growing! Such a relief. I have a 4D video and about 50 pictures of them snuggling. It is crazy. That update is an entirly differnt post...but I will say that the little boy is chubby and the little girl is TALL. She has very long legs...and he has a fat belly....so they averaged out and weight the exact same amount! haha. I thought that was funny:)

My mom gave me some cute matching jammies....blankets, burp rags...and the cutest little TWIN willow tree jewelry box. I have it on my dresser and I see it every morning. I am in love with it.
It holds my wedding ring....and my "I am too fat for my real wedding ring...so I bought a fake one" ring:):)

Moving on.....

First, I will tell you what my Valentine's Day 2013 (next year) will look like.

Then I will depict exactly what my Valentine's Day 2012 (this year) was actually like. (don't get too depressed...)

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Next year....
I will have THREE kids. Fun.

You know why it's gonna be fun???? Because all three of them will live outside of my body and I will be free to kiss and hug and spoil them as I wish. Instead of being afraid to make any sudden movements for fear of peeing my pants. Instead of waddling up the stairs and feeling every muscle in my butt and legs BURN like I just finished the Boston Marathon.

Cupid will door-bell ditch them like usual..leaving the porch covered in red, white and pink balloons, treats and prizes. I will have energy and WANT to do these things...just for the memory and pure joy on their faces. I will CARE....instead of wish that I was soaking in the tub..or someone was massaging my lower back that goes into sudden cramps throughout the day.

Yes...it will fabulous.

I will most likely send my child out the door with a bag of Valentine's in hand...headed for Kindergarten and a fun Valentine's Party that I DID NOT PLAN. I have had a blast planning them for his two years of preschool....I am just anticipating my NEW PHASE OF LIFE in which I will get to strap my twinners into the jogging stroller and take a stroll around the block instead of BE in charge of throwing back-to-back parties for 24 four year olds.

Pregnant me after a day like that = exhausted.

I have been PRESENT...like as in...ALWAYS there for every experience he's ever had.
Even something as small as a little Valentine's Day class party!
It's time to cut the cord.
For both of us.

My husband will surprise me with something fun: a trip to the spa or something equally as relaxing and wonderful:)

I will meet him for lunch and eat whatever I want...because I will be nursing TWO babies and hopefully they will each be sucking off a few pounds of this baby fat per week:) Please bless, please bless, please bless.

All three kiddos will be bathed and in bed by 8:30 p.m. so I can watch a movie and relax with my husband.

The end.

That is my goal for next year! It will happen I promise you:)
A girl can dream.
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REALITY: Valentine's Day 2012

My annoying alarm went off WAY to early. Jarom had to actually help me get out of bed...because everything hurts and let's face it...I am the exact size I was the day I delivered Jaxson.

I rushed through the shower and pushed and prodded and begged Jaxson to HURRY and get ready!
I had 24 excited preschoolers arriving soon and they would be extra hyper, excited and ready for a Party.

My feet were swollen from the day before in which I OVER-DID. I have a tendency to push past my limit...and then I pay for it the next day big time. Meaning: SWELL LIKE A CRAZY WOMAN.

Cupid arrives and door-bell ditches! Jaxson find a present on the porch from cupid. He goes on a scavenger hunt for the other prizes! He was thrilled with his presents:)

It was rushed and although he was thrilled....I was wishing I could snap a few pictures instead of finish getting ready and set up for a FULL DAY.

The first set of kiddos arrived and we had a lot of fun.
2.5 hours of screaming and games and musical chairs and art projects.
Preschool ends...I am exhausted.

(they make darling v-day picture frames for their moms!)

I have 10 minutes before 12 more kids arrive and I must do the 2.5 hour party all over again:)
I am WAY WAY WAY TIRED.

They all arrive and are as excited and hyper and anxious to have a good time as the first group!
We had a blast with them too:)

Preschool ends...I spend 1 hour cleaning up the snack mess, the papers, the lost hair clip...the usual aftermath of a morning with 24 little ones running around my house! I am sweating:) haha.
Jaxson uses that time to paint his T-rex project that Cupid left him!

Change Jaxson into tumbling clothes....run to tumbling.
While Jaxson is at tumbling...I decide to use the 45 minutes to run to Walmart and get the fresh fruit for the chocolate fondue I'm making for dessert.

Pick Jaxson up from Tumbling....run home.

Start cooking.
Cook for an hour and a half straight.

Call Jarom.
Where the crap is he?????

Oh yah....people get divorced on Valentine's Day too:(

He's running late. Like usual.
He's busy...has a trial coming up...and is extra stressed.
HOW ROMANTIC:):)

Jaxson and I start eating alone:) Like usual.

Daddy finally gets home.
We TRIED to snuggle on the couch....but my size makes it physically impossible for us to get within 3 feet of eachothers faces. I tried to lay on my side...but the little girlie on my left HATES it. I always forget that instead of my baby being out front....I've got one on each side. They are kinda picky about my positioning:)

Jarom is snoring within 10 minutes.

I get up and do the dishes at 11:00 p.m.

*
*
He did tell me that he loved me a lot.
...and that he's pretty lucky....

I agreed:):)

oh....and he called me on the way to work the next day and said he'd make it up to me:)

I told him that he already did....and informed him that he just bought me the most darling Petunia Pickle bottom diaper bag with matching makeup clutch.
How thoughtful of him huh???? hahaha!!

Oh...and that his second gift could be forgiveness...because I just ordered 2 sets of pottery barn kids crib bedding and it's shoved in my nursery closet. :)

It wasn't his fault the day was a bummer.
I think the world should stop for Holidays...no work, no divorcing, no restraining orders, no custody battles, no sad people, no errands, no responsibility. Just fun. What do you think????

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The truth is...we celebrated on Saturday night with a date!
We had a babysitter...which is very rare...because we both prefer to take him (the little man) with us. He's not like our kid really...more like a hilarous friend that always makes things more fun.

Anyhow, we went to for a nice dinner in which our waiter scared me a little bit. He/She was Super nice....we just couldn't figure out at first if he/she was a girl or a boy. When we pin-pointed which she was....we then couldnt' figure out if she liked boys or girls:) It was very bizzarre and entertaining at the same time.

She decided to send me home with whatever dessert of my choice for free!! What do you know????
I win...I guess she likes girls:)
BUT
...after taking my order for dessert she stopped by the table a few times and continued to make wierdo compliments about every item of clothing/jewelry/watch, etc. that Jarom was wearing.
He wins...I guess she likes boys:)

I guess you had to be there.
hahaha.

I was very confused.

----

We saw the VOW.
I am easy to please....so I cried and loved it.
He is a soooooooo insanely good looking. It is impossible not to like it.
I prefer 100% happy endings....so I was kinda left hanging....and that bugged.
BUT....
It was a fun night out:)

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Phew.
What an update.
That is exactly why I have been putting it off.

ALthough very worth it...because I know that Jarom enjoys looking back through our archives and reading this journal I keep of our family. Occasionally he'll mention something or comment on pictures from 2 years ago that he was looking at on this little blog of mine....and it totally gives him away:)

xoxo
Kristin

p.s.
I asked Jaxson a few nights ago while we were cuddling on the couch: "what do you think we're gonna do when we have two babies around here??"

Jaxson: "Maybe we could train them to sit and shake our hand...like a dog?"

Love That Kid.

I know why....& Journal entries!

2012-02-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

I NOW know why my child has cavities.

I guess he can climb the shelves and reach just about anything on my "top-shelf" candy stash.
...and I thought that shelf was my little secret.....

I am still trying to decide if I'll keep him after he made me spend $2,500 at the dentist right in the middle of trying to decorate my stinking nursery. Little turd.

I guess that's life!!!

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Sidenote: This picture of my pantry grossed me out to such a degree that I spent the entire next day cleaning/throwing away/organizing the entire thing. So don't call those physchologists you see on the TV show "Hoarders" just yet! I mean....how on earth could 3 people eat the amount of crap you see stuffed inside of that pantry?!?

Now my pantry is the only clean place in my house...and I kinda wanna sit in there and stare at it sometimes, especially when my "nesting" is in full swing and I get the urge to just throw everything in the house away and start over. :):)

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Jarom calls it NUTS.

I call it MOTHER-MODE.

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On another note: It is 6:00 a.m. and I am blogging. Why you ask???? Because my child is sick and it makes me a nervous wreck. Jarom keeps waking up and telling me...

"He'll be ok honey. Kids get sick!"

ummmmm......not mine.

Ok...he does, obviously.

BUT, I don't have to like it.

He likes me to rub his arms and legs when he has a fever.

He is tossing and turning with a cough that sounds horrid to me.

His ear hurts.

He's burning up.

The Mom = basket case.

Jaxson = sound asleep in my bed.

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So...I will leave you with one piece of advice!

You should switch pediatricians to Farr West pediatrics...a.k.a Dr. Lloyd.

Genius.

Nicest guy ever.

Calls you back within 4 minutes no matter what.

Even on weekends.

Even in the middle of the night.

His office doesn't open until 10:00 a.m., but he's jumping out of bed and meeting me there right now!

Why??? because I teach preschool at 9:00 a.m. and need to be back!!!

Now that.....is a perfect pediatrician.

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You wanna know the BEST part of my night last night?!? When Jaxson climbed into my bed in the middle of the night and 30 minutes later I hear him sit up and say into the dark...
"Uh-oh. Your not gonna like this!"

Great.

He pulled back the covers, Jarom flipped on the light...and Jaxson revealed a softball size Pee-Spot. Fun.

I don't know about you but I love scrubbing the mattress at 4:00 a.m.

Jaxson was really sweet about it and kept apologizing.

His only justification was "I was having a dream that I was in the tub!"

*
*
*

Ummmmm.....the only problem I see here....
is that my child obviously pee's in the tub unbeknownst to me.

Being a parent is highly entertaining.
&
exhausting.

xoxox

kris

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Infertility Jounral Entry:

October 13, 2011

Today was a GOOD DAY. I haven’t had very many of them for a while….so it feels wonderful. My transfer went as perfect as possible. The embryologist called us on Monday and Wednesday and all 7 of our embryo’s were growing and dividing normally. They were healthy and strong and that was honestly all I could have asked for!

After arriving this morning I was given 2 valium (hello….RELAXATION). hee hee.

I was anxious to discuss our embryo’s. I knew that our appointment would be full of lots of important information and we would discuss the grade, quality of embryo’s, how many to transfer back, etc. I was excited and nervous and….I bet you guessed it….EMOTIONAL!

I knew the very MINUTE my babies were being placed in my tummy.

Dr. Peterson walked into the room and handed me a picture. I flipped open the cover and took my first look at 2 of my babies. It was amazing. That is one of those experiences that stick FOREVER. I will never forget how peaceful I felt and how crazy it was to be a part of something so miraculous. Medicine and the capabilities that exist leave me speechless. Dr. Peterson turned to me & handed me a picture of my 2 strongest and “cutest” babies and said to me “ It doesn’t get better than that!”

The embryologist had carefully selected and photographed the 2 HIGHEST QUALITY…. “Cutest” embryo’s as he explained to meJ

I memorized every detail. I had no idea what I was looking at...but it was awesome.

One was big and one was small...right from the first moment.

I turned to Jarom and said..."This one's a boy and this one's a girl...I just know it!"

I skeptically asked Dr. Peterson what he meant by “BEAUTIFUL”….cuz although I was a bit bias and thought they were the most beautiful things I’d ever seen….I wanted to know what it MEANT!

I will never forget what he said…. “that is simply as good as it gets around here (the University of Utah)!”.

I felt a rush of peace and comfort. I still have no idea if things will work out exactly how I hope….but I knew at that moment things would be ok. It gave me a lot of confidence because the University of Utah is one of the TOP infertility clinics in the United States. Dr. Peterson is the HEAD of the entire infertility and endocrinology department for the University of Utah and I trust him COMPLETELY. When he told us that our embryo’s couldn’t be better….I felt HOPE. I felt the glimmer of HOPE that I have been pushing deep deep down…feeling too afraid to feel.

The transfer went smooth and I watched the 2 embryo’s on a screen in front of my eyes. The embryologist picked them up and transferred them from the lab to my room. It was silent....njurses and my Dr. surrounded me.

Moments later, Dr. Peterson announced...your babies are in your tummy...and just like that, Jarom and I were left alone and I was instructed to rest!

I was speechless. It finally hit me. The magnitude of what was going on…of what was happening. It felt like a beginning. It felt like my life was about to CHANGE. BIG TIME.

A small panic attack followed in which I felt like screaming....I was just kidding!!! I changed my mind!! I am serious....I changed my mind about TWO! Take one of them out now!!!

....I think the Valium was used for that reason:)...

I left the office with a very positive outlook.

The Drive home was quiet. (We couldn't wipe the smiles from our faces.)

I was positive for many reasons…but ONE was simply: that I saw it through. I finished this entire process, although at times I didn’t think I could.

I was proud of that.

Whatever happens…I did everything I could.

….and I would do it again….

TWO weeks of laying on my couch and then a blood test. It better be positive.

Love, me

October 25th, 2011

We made it. The two week wait is up. Jarom and I jumped out of bed and headed for the University of Utah for my blood test. It took a few seconds and they sent me on my way saying they'd call after lunch with the news. No biggie. Just biggest news of my life.

A few hours later I was teaching preschool and my phone rang.

I excused myself and told my assistant that I'd be back in a second.

I locked myself in my bedroom with a notepad and pen so I could remember everything they were about to tell me.

My nurse Jenny started her explanation.

I needed a simple YES or NO....but she started in slow.

Jenny: " Ok....so when we draw your blood we look for a number between 80-100. If it's at 100 then you ARE pregnant."

Me: yah.......

Jenny: "Today when we tested your blood...it was good news! Your level is currently 1,450! You are VERY VERY VERY pregnant. SO pregnant in fact, that there is most likely MORE than one baby...possibly more than two."

Me: " I have no clue what you just said...could you repeat that...."

Jenny: " You are gonna start feeling REALLY sick with that amount of hormone in your body! We want to re-test in 24 hours...."

Me: I. Have. No. Clue. What. To. Say. "umm jenny? Will you tell Dr. Peterson that I love him. And thank you. and that I really love him?"

Jenny: "he loves you too."

She then went into details about more shots and dosages and my nightly routine, etc.

I don't remember much. I just wanted & needed to talk to Jarom.

The call to my sweet husband Jarom was a fun one to make.

Definitely a top 10 memory of a lifetime.

24 hours later I re-tested my blood and the level had sky-rocketed to 3,360.

I WAS SICK. It was IMMEDIATE. It was hormone poisening at it's best.

Those babies attached...and they attached strong.

They continued to make me pay...and notify me of their presence for the next 4 months.

As my nurse Jenny so kindly put it: "it's probably gonna get bad! Like....within a few days it'll start coming out of both ends. hahaha"

ummmmm......

At the time I thought Jenny might be exaggerating with how bad it may get.

She was actually being very very delicate and kind when she described just exactly was going to happen. Oh. My. Hell.

-----

The other day during my 4D ultrasound I saw them cheek to cheek snuggling and I about melted. They need a little meat on them....but talk about a miracle.

They've come a long way since I was handed a picture of 2 embryo's: One BIG blob of cells that I was convinced was a little boy....and the LITTLE blob of cells that I was convinced was my little girl.

I will forever be in love with Jenny & Denise & Dr. Peterson and even Sasha at the front desk who asked for thousands of dollars every time I stepped foot into the clinic.

They changed my life. and Jaroms. and Jaxsons too.

Forever.

xoxo,

My announcement:)

2012-01-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

I think Jaxson's exact words were....

" NOBODY IS AS LUCKY AS I AM!"

I agreed:)

I feel like I've been in a dream this week:)

I can hardly even sleep.

I am excited.

I am overwhelmed.

I am DYING that we get to experience BOTH.

Dream. Come. True.

BABY A (my little girlie) is LOW and kicking my bladder constantly...which makes me unable to make any sudden movements without fear of...well...you know:) She was VERY cooperative during the ultrasound and made it EASY EASY for us to see she was really a girl! I made the ultrasound technician check and RE-check about 30 times. She PROMISED me that she was right. Then I allowed myslef to sob like a 2 year old who couldn't form words for about an hour.

I then, and I am being VERY honest, had a small panick attack that the next one would be a girl too! I mean....Jaxson and Jarom were hoping for at least ONE boy....so I felt insane pressure to make them happy!!!! It took about 20 minutes of pushing and prodding to make BABY B cooperate.

BABY B (my little man) has his little head lodged under my rib cage...making it slightly difficult to fill my lungs with air...and IMPOSSIBLE to climb a flight of stairs without being winded. He is adorable and kicks as hard as his big brother did! I have NO doubt that he will follow his lead and bruise every rib on my left side. He didn't want to show us his PARTS....so we had to do a lot of wiggling and pushing on him to make him mad! It worked...and he flipped around and gave us a PERFECT shot of his little Boy parts.

QUE....More bawling.

I BAWLED and BAWLED.

She was handing me tissues and asking me questions that I couldn't really answer through my gasping.

It was pretty embarrassing.

I didn't even shed a tear when I found out about Jax! I didn't even shed a tear when I birthed Jax!

This time around....Wow....I am hormonal.

---------------

This little MAN below....will always be my FIRST baby.

He reminds me of that A LOT these days:)

He is VERY excited and taking all the changes so far amazing!

He has always made my life easy and has recently kicked it up a notch by doing ALL the running upstairs, grabbing me stuff, getting me drinks, covering me with blankets during my naps and doing things that melt my heart like rubbing my tummy and telling the babies jokes and such.

The other day he asked me, "Mom...do you think I'm cute?"

I responded..."OF COURSE! I think you're the cutest!

Why?...do you think you're cute?"

Jaxson: "Uh...WHY WOULDN'T I?"

ha!

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Dear Jax, Can I borrow some of your self confidence right now???

Thanks, Love mom

The pediatric dentist.....

2012-01-26T00:44:00.000-07:00

First off....I PROMISE to announce the gender of my babies on FRIDAY!

If they could somehow make each day longer than 24 hours...I could manage to accomplish all of my goals/ideas/plans, etc. The thing is...after preschool and errands and play group and tumbling and work....I can't physically make my gigantic body do one more thing. I feel like a 90 year old woman. My arches give up...my back gives up....my legs throb and my feet swell.

I look fabulous come dinner time, really!

Anyhow,

It really means so much to me that people are interested! Thank you Thank you.

It still feels like a dream.

------------

I can hear Jarom and Jaxson snoring in my bed....and I am laying on the couch with one baby kicking my bladder and one kicking my rib cage: in complete heaven. It kinda feels like the tilt-a-whirl at lagoon. Good thing I like that ride:) I think they both might me doing somersaults in opposite directions at the moment. It is a complete miracle. Although I have felt a bit dizzy or motion sick today from the constant flipping:)

For years during my struggle with infertility I would close my eyes and try to remember every detail of my experience with Jaxson. I would pour over my ultrasound pictures and stare in unbelief at how perfectly my uterus was working:):) I just KNEW that if I could just get pregnant again...my body would know what to do. I was always confident of that. I think I was right....because they seem to be having a lot of fun in there.

I am being a really good mommy and eating an entire row of Golden Oreos right now....just to show them how much I love them tonight:):) Oh the things we do for our kids.

I have every detail of my pregnancy with Jaxson memorized and engraved on my heart. I can remember specific days/events/moments and how it felt to have him wiggling around in my belly. I remember laying in bed each night and making Jarom feel his feet pounding away at my ribs. I remember the night he kicked so hard that he broke my water! I remember how wonderul he smelled and the sound of his cry. I remember the little "old man" wrinkles on his forehead. I remember literally thinking my baby was a genius the day he learned to crawl across the family room to retrieve my bracelet:)

I wondered FOR SO LONG if I would ever get that again.

This time around:

I felt movement (4 good kicks or elbows to my left side) on Sunday, January 22nd 2012.

It hasn't stopped since.

Oh how I've been waiting for that day:)

One of the poor things got a good squishing today when I bent over to pick up the ball from the nerf gun. They punched and kicked pretty hard to notify me of my poor choice. They are POSITIVELY taking over right now and my body is no longer my own!

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As promised....and for my journaling purposes, I want to write about Jaxson's first experience at the Dentist! By that I mean...more than a cleaning, sticker, toy, toothbrush and then sent on his way with a smile experience.

It turned out to be MUCH MUCH MORE than that, unfortunately.

First, I will admit that I really have no explanation for how I can make ONE little trip to the dentist something so MONUMENTAL....but I posess that unique trait:)

It was like time stopped and I had a full blown panic attack about everything in the world that I couldn't control for my children and how I was going to be forced to "GET OVER IT" while hunched over the toilet gagging...in a darling pediatric dental office that is decorated just like a magical scene out of finding Nemo.

Oh my gosh. I wish I was exaggerating.

It all started with the NEW YEAR.

With Jaxson's birthday being at the first of March...I use the New Year to do all of his check ups. I'm kinda crazy about this...but I call the first of January and line up all of his checkups and visits, etc. so that he is all ready for a Birthday! We visit the pediatrician for a checkup, we visit the dentist for a cleaning, (you get the idea).

Well....while I was brushing and flossing his teeth the other night I noticed a sugar bug (small cavity) on his molar. It was not fun for me. I should know better. YEARS of working in a dental office. YEARS of teaching in the Dental Department at Vatterott College. Holy crap...I just let my baby get a big fat cavity! I was a little stressed by it....but nothing makes me feel stress and motherly guilt like being PREGNANT. I felt like I should be arrested for child abuse.

I blame it all on the crazy H.O.R.M.O.N.E.S.

I called my mom. I told her my baby had a big fat cavity.

She said it was normal and fine and to take him to the dentist.

I complained for an hour about how guilty I felt.

Sooo.....

The VERY NEXT morning I drove him to the dentist.

They did an exam and then the DR. pulled me aside. Oh crap.

WARNING: DOWN HILL FROM HERE!!!!!

He proceeded to tell me that my baby had several small interproximal cavities (in between his back teeth) because his teeth were so so tight. Blah blah blah.

I felt sick...and terrible that he had a few cavities...but was still rational and acting like a normal human being for the moment.

WELL...they took some xrays and what they found made me closer to fainting than anything ever has in my life.

I realize this is super lame...but Jaxson is never sick and has never had a problem in his life! He's never been really hurt or sick or had more than a small temperature before!

I was completely inexperienced in the "my child feeling pain...therefore I feel pain" category.

I NOW GET IT.

Anyhow, they tell me all of the work he needs done...say that they need to take care of 3 teeth RIGHT THEN and proceed to tell me that it will be $817.00 just for that day. They then tell me that his total work over the next 3 weeks will total 2,500.00.

FUN. Fabulous. Perfect.

My point: I could have cared less about the money! I was waiting for them to tell me when and where they were going to knock him out. Like as in SEDATE him completly so he wasn't traumatized by this horrific event in his life. If they could arrange to put me out too....and wake me up when this hellish event is over...I would be willing to pay extra.

This is when I kinda "checked out" for lack of a better word.

I FREAKED.

Like...wanted to grab my baby and run for the door.

They had him on nitrous and his little innocent self didn't know what was coming!

I came there thinking he would get a lightening mcqueen toothbrush and a sticker like he always has before...and now your telling me he needs a pulpotomy (baby root canal!) and a stainless steel crown.

I was gonna faint.

The assistant grabbed me a chair and water.

She said my face was turning white, then red, then white.

The sobbing began.

She grabbed an entire box of tissues.

Then the secretary ordered NOBODY to touch my child until I gave the OK.

Then I excused myself to the bathroom and called Jarom and my Mom.

I bawled and gagged and bawled and gagged some more.

The room was spinning.

So many thoughts going through my mind.......

I have worked in a dental office for TOOO many years of my life!!!

I know the lies they will tell him!!

I know exactly what they will say to make him cooperate...until it's too late and they have to force him to finish!! I know that they will talk about "sleepy juice in your cheek" and what they really mean is a big fat needle in my babies mouth!!! I know that they will tell him about the "tooth pillow" right before they shove the big rubber bite block in his mouth that prevents him from closing his mouth for the next 45 minutes. Then the drill...Oh the drill. It will hurt and they will say it's a motorcycle making vroom vroom noises in your mouth. They will lie!!!!

I had ZERO control.

I had to face it.

It was gonna suck for him. For the first time in my life and HIS...I couldn't fix it.

I had to be literally locked out of the room....while they took over.

Next thing you know...I was curled in a ball in the bathroom while my child was being drilled on... saying these things to my husband & mom...."What am I doing? I can't have TWO more kids! They will get hurt. Things could happen to them! They could get sick. They could get cavitites! I can't protect them. My heart is breaking in half! What have I done??? I can't be pregnant with TWINS. What in the crap am I going to do with 3 kids....walking around this world and I can't protect them from everything!"

Jarom listened to my ranting and raving and nervous breakdown for like 2 seconds before he said..."STOP THEM....We'll pay whatever...just tell them we want to put him to sleep!"

I'm not sure he'll admit it...but I think the entire scenario stressed him out a little too:)

Jaxson is his little buddy....and I'm pretty sure the thought of him in pain was impossible to stomach.

-----

I must say....it was awful.

I pulled it together enough to peek in the room and see him kicking his legs...and crying OUCH....and I escorted my butt right back to the bathroom to cry it out.

Fast forward ONE HOUR...the longest HOUR of my life.

I walk into his room and he's wearing the cutest little nitrous mask on his nose.

He smiles a crooked smile at me and says....
"Mom, please don't take this off....it's fun!
Great. He likes drugs.

I had tears streaming down my face.

I was exhausted.

I had sweat through my 4 layers of shirts.

It was over.

-------

First thing we did was head straight to Walmart and I let him buy 3 toys. One for each tooth I failed to take care of:) ha ha. Actually...one for each tooth he was brave enough to get fixed!

He is soooo proud of his little silver tooth.

He shows EVERYONE.

The next morning I woke up and walked into my bathroom.

There he sat with a little hand mirror...admiring his silver tooth.

The whole thing didn't even phase him.

The honest truth: he has asked about 10 times when we can go back and he can get another cavity...so he can get another toy of his choice!!!

The little crap!!!

I guess this mom of his isn't too hard to figure out:)

p.s. the good news for him is he gets to go back 3 more times! hahahaha.

Only....His grandma or Dad will be taking him until my pregnancy hormones are under control.

------

xoxo

p.s. I now floss my kids teeth every night.

Even if I'm tired and sick.

Lesson learned.

I know what they are!!!!

2012-01-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

I know what my babies are.

Oh my.

I am just laying here taking it all in.

Best day of my life....FOR SURE.

-----------

I bawled like a baby for 15 minutes straight.

-----

..officially finding out is extremely special because it means so much more to me than what color to paint the nursery wall.

It is HUGE....because whatever they are...they are meant to be mine.

-----

Stay tuned.

let the shopping begin:)

Bedtime routine...

2012-01-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in my previous post...

I NOW belong to the "My child has an evening routine" club.

It was actually quite easy:)

I recommend everyone wait until your child is almost 5 and can fully understand what your saying when you suddenly explain out of thin air...

"From now on...it's bath time, story time, prayers and bedtime IN YOUR OWN BED by 8:30 p.m....or ELSE." ya know...versus....movies until midnight, sippies of milk and as much candy as you want from the pantry. Oh...and of course...climbing into bed and sleeping right between your mom and dad:)
(which was...as embarrassing as it is to admit...His LIFE).

He's definitely old enough to obey...(or fear what will happen if he doesn't:):) and Jaxson isn't really the

fit-throwing type. So---this whole CHANGE took about 2 nights to master. Hallelujah.

He looks forward to it actually.

During bathtime he ALWAYS shaves his face. Nanny Bishop got him a spiderman shaving kit for Christmas...and he loves acting all BIG. He reminds me regularly that he needs to use it! oh boy.

The only interesting time of the night is when all three of us try to cram into his twin bed for story time.

I am the size of a whale. Or a baby elephant. Which makes it tricky. Especially because he insists on being smashed right in the middle of the two of us with an arm hooked around each of our necks.

He makes mama read one book and dad read one book.

If we do that...he is content to kiss us good night and go straight to sleep.

*
*

ummm.....for like 3 years I thought it would be harder than that.

Who knew?!?!

------------------------

Jaxson is busy saying things that crack me up lately.
Last Sunday they talked about "CHOOSING THE RIGHT" in primary and he got a little CTR ring.
He has NOT stopped talking about it....and showing it to me....although he will not wear it:)

Today during lunch....we had a macaroni and cheese picnic (why does the curly kind taste so much better than the regular kind anyway??)...he turned to me and said,

"Now wait a second. When they say ALWAYS choose the RIGHT...do they mean that I always need to turn THAT A WAY (pointing to the right) when I am on my bike or in the car. Or do they mean it like....ya know...be nice and fair and stuff?"

Why did I think that was so hilarious??
His little brain is working about a million times faster than mine these days.

Another example of his hilariousness:

We were driving in the car as a family...headed to dinner a few weeks back...and I was up to the usual "Gagging" routine that sometimes hits out of nowhere. The sound of my throwing up or fighting it HARD was pretty much grossing both of my boys right out...(no matter how much it happens...they just can't seem to get used to it..haha:) Anyhow, Jaxson says...

"Eeeewwwww Mom! This is exactly why I think you should have ONE baby. Aunt Kayla (my sister) had one baby...and she never freaked out!"

Very very true.

------

Sidenote: They (meaning doctors, other moms of multiples, every book in the library on pregnancy) are NOT LYING when they say you will suffer twice as bad.
-----

I am excited for the weekend.
I'm assuming it will be similar to the last few....I will have a list a mile long of things to accomplish and we will actuallly cross off ONE. :) Whatever. As long as Jarom is here I'm good.

****

Shortly...meaning when I get enough energy to tell you the most traumatizing story of my life....I will recount our trip to the pediatric dentist last week.

Oh my.
Me = thinking I'll get him in for his regular cleaning and checkup like we do every few months.
Reality = Complete Hell.

I humiliated myself.
I didn't care.
Hormones took over and I actually almost passed out because Jaxson had to get a few teeth worked on.

My Baby. Shots. Mouth. Cavities.
Me = Complete basket case.

My dad seriously almost left work and came to rescue me because I was locked in the bathroom, of that office decorated like a scene from finding nemo, completely hyperventilating.

Good times.

Being pregnant with two is REALLY REALLY HARD. For me.

-----

XOXO
Me

Wanna know something....

2012-01-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

Just as I was typing that...I thought to myself....I bet they think I am going to announce what my babie are.

Nope. No clue.

A few more weeks.

They should totally be able to tell me by now...but the little squirts didn't cooperate and I felt like the majority of my ultrasound was staring at the top of their heads.

I have a big targeted ultrasound at the hospital with a specialist on Feb. 2nd and that day can't come fast enough! I need to know they are healthy. I need to what they are so I can get shoppin:)

Moving on to my real announcement:

I FEEL BETTER!!!!!

I will say it again.....

I FEEL BETTER!!!!!

I really questioned whether or not it would happen. I felt doomed to suffer for the rest of my life. I really started to "FORGET" what normal felt like. It was awful. Then my mind would wander to my grandma or the people who suffer for years. I mean REALLY suffer. It was horrible.

I am obviously not running at 100% and I still get waves of "I will not survive this moment..."

....but....

for the most part I am a fully functioning member of society.

I even do my hair occasionally.

I cook dinner (sometimes) and I do the laundry too.

It's a freaking miracle.

Oh yah...I shave my legs (sometimes) too.

I do homework with Jaxson and I can cook meat.

I don't cry if Jarom makes grape crystal light and then I catch a wiff of it in the air.

-------

However, my constant sickness was replaced with incredible emotion. I have incredibly irrational moments in which I will become so irrate I physically try to beat the crap out of my poor husband. Or the people who cannot figure out how to push a cart at Walmart. It's like traffic laws people....you go up one side and down the other!!!!!! ....and you do not, under any circumstance STOP in the middle of the isle and just park the cart while you browse and try do decide what flavor of cake mix you're in the mood for. People are nuts!

I, on the other hand, am only slightly nuts:)

On Saturday afternoon (after what I will call a "small misunderstanding" between my Jarom and me....:):) hee hee) he busted up laughing and told me...

"yah know...I could totally file a protective order (restraining order) against you right now!"

Oh crap.

Just because he does that all day at work....he better not get any ideas:) haha.

For the record I cried so hard for no reason that afternoon....that he had to stop at a gas station and grab a pile of napkins for me to wipe the snot from my face. He then patted me on the back and said...."simmer down...simmer down". (his classic line when I get the..."I need/want to hurt someone right now" look on my face.) Yep...we do make a pretty good team now that I think about it.

----

The BEST NEWS is....

I even started liking this little babies of mine.

WE had a rough start and I just couldn't imagine why they were trying to kill me from the inside out....but I kinda like them now and think they are adorable.

I have ALWAYS thought it was One Girl and One Boy....until last week.

I was driving in the car and I just KNEW it was 2 BABY BOYS.

Then, of course, there is the repeated dream about them each wrapped in BLUE.

Sigh. It makes my heart melt.

I really have no clue what they are to be honest.....I think my assumption that it's boys might stem from the fact that I don't know any different!!! Little BOYS are all that I know.

....and I must admit....

When it come to superhero's and skylanders and four wheelers and Tball games...I am pretty darn educated.

------------------

In my dream:

I get a call telling me the babies are here.

(this is the first clue that it is a dream...and FAR from the reality that I will actually live through...in which they will probably be cut from my stomach after 12 hours of crazy labor).

In my dream I get the bigget butterflies, jump in my car and race to my mom's in Brigham. I fly through her front door and everyone in my family is there smiling and telling me how precious they are...and how TEENY TINY. They point upstair and tell me they are snuggled up and laying on my mom's bed.

I jump the stairs two at time with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I walk into her room and see TWO little swaddled babies in BLUE blankets laying in the middle of her huge bed.

RIGHT as I walk close to the bed to see their faces....

I wake up.

I know. No fair.

------

Whatever they are....I love them.

Which is more than I could say a month ago:):)

I was literally SUFFERING....and TICKED.

I guess I'm not good at pain-endurance!!!

Now....I day dream of smelling their little heads and I consume my days with prayers that they're healthy and have all of their parts:)

I will keep you posted!

love, me

p.s. My child has a routine. A bed time. A Schedule & more.

I have officially joined the "good, responsible mother club" that I have never been a part of.

It's been good. Not as fabulous as I always imagined. BUT good:)

Dance Moms & Biggest Loser

2012-01-11T00:05:00.000-07:00

After preschool....I was exhausted. I planted my butt on the couch and cannot move.

Therefore...I am watching pointless TV.

First off. Has anyone seen DANCE MOMS?!?

Usually I can watch something that disgusts me to such a degree and eventually just let it go.

HOWEVER, I am so worked up...I am about to book a flight to Pittsburg and tell this dance teacher off myself. I cannot believe how awful she is. She is teaching 6, 7, and 8 year olds form pete sake.

She is horrible beyond description.

And....the moms.

I want to give each them a piece of my mind.

They think they are providing them with an opportunity....or being supportive parents....and instead they are slowly teaching their daughters everything thats horrible about this world.

I am pretty darn worked up!

phew

DEEP BREATHS. DEEP BREATHS.

I am certain that my pregnancy is causing anger issues that are no small thing.

*******

The good news is...I also watched Biggest Loser tonight and it was great. I even pushed pause during the weigh-in to give into my COLD STONE craving.

It was delicious.

Don't watch Dance Moms.

Unless you want to feel hatred for complete strangers.

Love, ME

More on Infertility....& Journal entries

2012-01-09T01:01:00.000-07:00

This morning was rough.

I woke up to the usual...."where is my barf bucket" feeling that has become a regular part of my life.

I cried and then called Jarom at work before I even left my bed or lifted my head from the pillow.

I begged him to come home and tickle my back.

I needed to be spooned...ALMOST as bad as I needed him to make me a huge plate of french toast.

I miss him.

Why must he always be at work?????

--------

So....I had a good cry....announced to my husband and BFF neighbor that I had just diagnosed myself with..."post traumatic stress"....and waited for advice on what to do about it. hee hee.

See...I have this VERY STRANGE....(there I admit it) but VERY REAL hatred and pit-in-my-stomach feeling when I enter my bedroom/bathroom/closet area. Everytime I smell the scentsy or the lingering bodywash from the shower, or I see an outfit hanging in my closet that I wore on a particular "AWFUL/SICK" day I want to curl into a ball and cry. Everytime I walk into my bedroom I remember my nightly routine of ice packs and massive needles and tears and begging Jarom to just skip a shot or two to let me have a break. He always said NO by the way. The big bathroom closet that once housed my lotions and new razors and handfuls of fun stuff is now chuck FULL of red Sharps Containers/empty vials of drugs/alcohol swabs, old needles, etc. It is simply a continual reminder of the hardest few months of my life.

Then there was that entire week that I hemmorhaged and I thought I was surely losing both of my babies. I laid in my bed and googled "subchorionic hemmorhage" and cried and prayed and barfed for days. I crawled to the tub and took long baths 3-4 times a day.

I guess you could say my room isn't very inviting right now.

I refuse to clean it.

I refuse to put the laundry away.

I refuse to hang my clothes.

It is a wreck.

----

Back to my breakdown earlier today.

So...I Called my neighbor and told her all of this.
I told her I would hire a maid to do it for me....but that I refuse to even let a maid see the pile of clothing that I'v let accumulate.

My neighbor told me to have a good cry and then tackle it.

"Don't let it win," she said.

*
*
*

Doesn't it seem so ridiculous?!!?!

My room is a mess....WAHHHHH! Poor me.

I know exactly how it sounds....but it was deeper than that.

I enter that room and I'm immediately slapped with every minute of fear, sickness, pain and complete stress that I've experienced for almost 6 months. And more accurately...the last 2 years.

----

Anyhow...I'm pretty proud of myself, because even though I needed a LONG pep-talk and a good cry.....I tackled it. I spent 6 hours straight in that room of mine. I scrubbed and dusted and organized and replaced every scentsy, body wash and thing with a smell that could remind me of how sick I was and have been:) Then I made Jarom tour it and congratulate me over and over for my wonderful work.

It felt good.

------

Aside from that one minor breakdown....things have been pretty darn good:)
I NEED to find out what these babies are so badly!!
The planning side of me wants to get crackin!!!

I have been busy prepping for preschool and have lots of fun things planned to get us through the yucky winter months until spring. I called and got all the information about Registering Jaxson for Kindergarten (HOLY CRAP!). I will have a kindergartner!!!!

We also started a new bedtime routine with Jaxson....which is going....OK:) Just ok.

Jarom is currently upstairs in bed with Jaxson trying to enforce our new rule: SLEEP IN YOUR OWN BED. Or rather...STAY IN YOUR OWN BED.

I knew it would take a full 5 months to conquer it...before the babies come and all....so we have been busy conquering that this week.

The poor kid gets gigantic tears in his eyes, his lower lip trembles and he says
"Why don't you want to be by me mama?"

ummmm......
I am not emotionally stable enough for that kind of stuff.
Therefore....DAD is forced to deal with it.

-------

I tried to solve the problem by telling him that the babies are taking up too much room....and that there simply isn't room for all 5 of us right now!!

I can hear them upstairs discussing it over and over.

Jaxson: "But daddy...why isn't there enough room for me in your bed again???" (for the 50th time)
Jarom: "CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS MORE TOMORROW!!!"

ME...(what I wanted to march up the stairs and say to him): Because your mother is HUGE son. Because I might go crazy if your little head is wedged inbetween my shoulder blades for one more night. Because last night you knee'd me in the stomach and I thought I was going to come unglued because it hurt so badly:)

---

As much as I hate kicking you out....My belly has got to have some room!!
For the love.

Dear Jax,

The truth is:
We are all having a hard time letting you grow up around here lately.
It's about time......but it's still difficult as your parents.

You are our baby. Well...you've been our baby for almost 5 years now.
You seem to be fine with the idea of a few more joining our club...that has consisted of just three of us for so long:) We are too....but we are actually having a harder time dealing with the small changes than you are.

Everytime we leave the house for a quick errand....we talk about how in a few months that same errand won't happen so quick! Or....heaven forbid...it may even be interrupting nap time! WIERD:) When we jump in the car in our pj's for a late night ice-cream run....we joke about how "this will NOT be happening" in a few short months! When we go to dinner...or the movie theater...or you ride in the cart at the grocery store...or we give you piggy back rides around the Gateway....me and daddy turn to each other and comment about how these small things that have become the NORM for us....will inevitably change. Most likely our hands will be a tad full...and you will have to be a big boy and walk! Gasp. I still can't physically figure out a scenario that will allow me to take the three of you to Walmart and still find room for a gallon of milk in the cart?!?!?

I guess we can forget the two of us browsing the isles for HOURS and laughing and buying donuts and eating them before we even make it to the checkout counter!!!

Yep...things will inevitably change.

-----

We talk A LOT about the babies coming.
YOU LOVE the idea.
You tell me daily that you wish they were already here.

I know you are excited...and so are WE...but as your mommy I worry.
It's my job:):)

I worry that things will CHANGE so drastically your head will spin.
I don't want your life to be completely thrown for a loop.

If you were only 2 or even 3...you wouldn't even know the difference!
You probably wouldn't remember what it was like BEFORE you had a sibling.

BUT....you've had 5 good years to rule the place...and I know it will take time to accept that mommy can't play CONNECT 4 for two straight hours over bowls of cinnamon toast crunch every morning.

I love spending that one-on-one time with you.
I have loved all this time we've had together.
I love our bond and relationship.

....and I love that I can finally give you a few siblings....

We'll both inevitably go through some changes in the coming months.
I have a good feeling it will be as hard for mommy as it will be for you.

*
*
*

But I want you to know something special.
I realized something not too long ago.

Infertility wasn't all horrible.
It wasn't entirely a TRIAL, a STRUGGLE, a devastating EXPERIENCE.

It was also a GIFT.
The GIFT of quality time spent with you.

It's amazing how the Lord always has a plan.
It was always supposed to happen this way.

Me and you little man:)

------

p.s. please help me deal with all the changes coming our way!!! I have a gut feeling you will do fabulous and I will be the one taking notes:)

Love, mom

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Journal entries:

September 26^th, 2011

The past week of my life was FAR different than I expected it to be. My energy was short lived….because once the drugs kicked in….I was toast. Most afternoons my son would roam to my neighbor’s house and I would beg for mercy from the hot flashes, nausea and insane migraines that would consume my afternoons. I was so sick….I really doubted my ability to finish this. I KNEW I’d keep going….but I didn’t want too. The pain made me panic and after 2 straight days of MIGRAINES I was asking myself “how can I do this for 6 more weeks?”

Whether I’m ready or not….tonight marks the next milestone in this process.

Tonight I started my STIMS. (Stimulating Drugs). I will be taking Repronex, Lupron and Gonal-F.

The fun week of multiple shots a day has finally arrived! I get to take lots of fun Stimulating drugs to hopefully get my body working overtime and produce lots of eggs. While all of my friends are so easily maturing one egg this month…..I guess I’ll figure out how to mature approximately 15J Every single woman who has done this is my HERO by the way. I think about them multiple times a day and know that those women are insanely strong, dedicated and selfless people.

I would love to say that my evening was calm and collected. I would love to say that I was prepared for the stress of properly mixing and dosing the drugs, changing syringes and the multiple stab wounds into my stomach. But I wasn’t. I screamed at Jarom. He screamed at me. I couldn’t remember all the details from my injection class…he couldn’t either. It was complicated…and the giant…and I mean GIGANTIC box of needles that came from FEDEX on Thursday didn’t seem to be the same as the ones I learned with. With all these extra hormones coursing through my veins I went from 0 to 60 in .0005 seconds. I was sweating bullets and Jarom and I were both refraining from killing each otherJ

Administering the repronex was easy…it was the mixing that was horrible. How complicated can they possibly make it I ask?????? My word.

The Gonal-F was a nightmare. It should have been the easy one…but the dosing had me stressed to my max. About 30 minutes after I thought I was done…Jarom was watching tutorials online (yes…it is disturbing that our life has turned into this…but it’s the truth) and he realized that I didn’t properly administer the Gonal-F. To be sure…he had to load the Pen (this drug comes in a pen-like syringe) and squirt it into the sink (so we didn’t risk giving me a double dose just in case). After he had successfully squirted 300.00 worth of medicine down the drain….we re-loaded and I got my 4^th stab of the evening and FINALLY was done. Phew.

I am hoping that tomorrow goes a bit easier. I’m sure it will! The first time is always the hardest.

I think I’d be a lot less stressed if my emotions weren’t so close to the surface…and of course, there is the small fortune we’ve spent to get this far that keeps me feeling all sorts of pressure. I want to do every part of this so perfectly. I am trying to control everything I guess…because I know I can’t control the outcome.

I know it’s in the Lord’s hands….and I know that I will have more children. I know that it will happen…I’m just not certain WHEN it will happen.

For now my job is to be patient. My job is to have faith. My job is to be brave.

I didn’t imagine it being this hard.

I just hope it will all be worth it.

*****

p.s. Tonight (before it all fell apart) was wonderful! We took Jaxson to boondocks for family night. He played the arcade games and won handfuls of Dino’s. He rode the go-karts with daddy and we all played a game of bowling. He was in heaven. It was nice and relaxing to spend time with my boys.

Love, Me

October 3^rd, 2011

I’ve made it to my “IVF WEEK”. They call this first week of October my IVF week…because I will get frequent ultrasounds and finally have my egg retrieval. Today I had my first Follicle scan ultrasound. I am HALF WAY DONE! Dr. Peterson counted lots of little follicles! They still need to get bigger….so more shots for meJ I go back Wednesday morning and it looks like my egg retrieval will be later this week. I’m thinking Friday or SaturdayJ

I am feeling COUNTLESS emotions. I am excited. I am scared. I am grateful.

Dr. Peterson had to address my Chrone’s Disease today. He told me about the lower success rate for women with Chrone’s or “uncontrolled” inflammatory diseases. I was very emotional and upset. I didn’t want to talk about it…..but I told him everything. I am emotionally DONE and feel like I can’t talk about it anymore. I know what’s wrong. I can’t fix it. I am just pushing through it. I told him the basis behind our decision to proceed right now. I told him that I REFUSE to take medication while I’m pregnant and that I understand the risks TO ME. I also understand that this IVF cycle might not work.

I HATE those possibilities but I still know that they exist.

I am not a “depressed” person…but I was feeling kind of teary and unsure after my appointment. Jarom gave me an assignment. He told me that the ONLY thing I need to accomplish today is making a list of “GOOD THINGS”. Good things about ME….good things about my life. A list of blessings, because going through all that I have been for the past 2 years will slowly allow the “negative” to creep in.

I am doing just that.

Then tonight I’m going for an hour and a half massage. Aaggghhhhhhh. MUCH NEEDED .

Love, ME

October 8, 2011

On Thursday I found out that my body didn’t respond as much as they’d like because of my endometriomas. They found a new one growing on my right ovary. To say I was upset is an understatement. It took me a few hours….but I then started to think rationally and I remembered that the Lord has a plan. (all those hormones…wow…they are unfair). I remembered that I can do this….although it is very difficult and painful. I know that I will keep trying and that things are just as they are meant to be.

My Egg retrieval was scheduled for this morning at 6:30 a.m. I was anxious and excited and of course, my insomnia was in full force last night! I haven’t slept much since this all started. My mom came to sleep over and cooked us dinner for DAYS on end.

We woke up SOOO early and headed in to the clinic. I only cried once….during the IV…and I think I told the nurse something about changing my mindJ She reminded me that I was FULL of hormones at this point and that it was normal to feel so teary. I felt pretty serious actually! I had changed my mind!!! (not really...but I was nervous to proceed).

They retrieved 9 eggs…but only some were mature enough to be fertilized. We opted to pay the extra and do ICSI.

Tonight I am hopeful. I am a bit stressed and have butterflies. I am also SORE beyond words. It is quite impossible to describe actually. I guess I should have taken that prescription for Lortab that was handed my way. Instead…I opted to take NOTHING. Ummm??? I am hormonal…why on earth would they take anything I say seriously right now?

The truth is…I want to stay extremely healthy and I being OVERLY cautious right now. This is pretty intense stuff and I felt like it was worth the sacrifice. I feel like I’m 90 years old right now…and I waddle…but I am doing it. Everytime I tell Jarom “I CAN’T DO THIS!” he says, “Honey…YOU already are!”

I made it home, slept a bit and wasn’t even able to walk comfortably before I had to start Progesterone shots in the buttJ Who decided this process anyways??? Holy crap! They don’t even give you a day to recover before they throw more at you.

Today…is Sunday October 9^th and I am bruised and sore…but still smiling. Jarom just gave me nightly shot and I am proud of him. Everytime we look at the needle….I think “I am glad I don’t have to give it to him!” Sure…I wish I didn’t have to get one either…..but it would be hard to stab him everyday with a 2 inch long needle. This will continue for 3 more months AT LEAST.

I am anxious to hear from the embryologist tomorrow and see how are little embryo’s are doing. I wonder how many were fertilized and how well they are dividing. I know it wasn’t very many this round….but I sure am hopeful that they are progressing and that I get good news in the morning. The embryologist will also tell me if I am on track for a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

At this point I’ve had to let go. I’ve had to fully realize that I have no control over the next few days and weeks. I am nervous and of course, just WANT SO BADLY for things to work out. However, I am also content with the fact that I’ve done everything I can. I have faith that, eventually, things will work out and I will be able to see the “big picture”. I am confident that if I continue to do my part….the Lord with be there to comfort me and bless me for my efforts.

Another big week ahead!

Love, me

Our Christmas...

2012-01-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

I had this ONE goal: to survive until Christmas.

I did it!

Jarom was so much help in making Christmas happen this year. Usually I do all the decorating, shopping, wrapping and planning. This year he did it all:)

I even laid on the couch while he decorated the tree. I would bark orders like this one, for example,

"See the red and green polka dot ball...stick that to the right of it."

This went on for HOURS & HOURS until I pulled out the last box of Tree stuff and he decided that was enough. I think his exact words were something like...
"This is called OVERKILL...it looks like something exploded!"

So I nicely closed the box and thanked him a billion times for actually doing as much as he did:)

The patience that man was blessed with is totally unfair to the rest of us.

--------

The good news is...against all odds...it still felt and looked alot like Christmas at our house.

The Family Room Tree

The Office Tree

Jarom refused to put up any more of my trees. I don't blame him:)

Moving on.....

Hard to believe that next Christmas we will have 5 stockings hanging from the mantle.
Jarom is just happy that we have a FULL YEAR before the trees and christmas figures will be blocking portions of his TV. :):)

So....A few weeks ago a lady in our ward read a small christmas story. In this story, a mother displayed her nativity scene on the table at Christmas time and explained the story of Christ's birth and the importance of each figurine to her small child.

Each morning she would get out of bed, walk into the kitchen, and notice that all the animals and figurines weren't in their proper places. Instead they were all shoved inside the manger and crowded together.

She would call him over and explain that he wasn't allowed to touch or move any pieces of the nativity.

The following morning....the nativity would be the same....with every piece crowded together and shoved inside the manger.

Angrily she called her son over and asked him WHY? Why did he repeatedly touch the figurines when she asked him not to??

He simply replied..."All of them couldn't see Baby Jesus."

It was a darling story.

A few mornings later I was cleaning and vaccuming the rug next to my nativity and noticed something a little different....

Jax had the very same idea it looks like:) He had moved all of the sheep and donkey into a better position. When I asked him why???
He had the very same response as the Christmas Story I had heard:

"This way...they can see Jesus better..." he said.

I agreed. We kept it that way.

Did I tell you that a few weeks before Christmas my parents stopped by and made a gingerbread house with Jaxson?!? I have pictures of it even....I should look for them:)

I was so sick and hadn't moved from the couch for a few days....so I think they felt like doing something fun and special with him to counteract my complete neglect.
It worked! He loved it.

We kept it displayed in the kitchen for the entire month!
Occasionally I would see pieces of candy and chunks of icing missing from a window or the roof.
Jaxson fully admitted to ripping off chuncks and consuming it when I wasn't looking:)

---

CHRISTMAS EVE

I had Jaxson dressed for the occasion and looking handsome. It's just that the second he got to nanny's he ripped into his suit case...found his pajama pants and a comfy t-shirt and started playing the Wii.

The non-exhausted version of me would have put up a fight so he didn't look homeless in my Christmas Even pictures. BUT....I am exhausted. WAYYY to exhausted to force him to do things he doesn't want to do:)

Therefore.....he looked like this for our wonderful evening full of traditions.

(sitting in front of nanny's tree...getting ready to open Christmas Pj's)

Jax always gets Pj's and a game to play that evening.

BEHOLD: The One and ONLY picture of myself at Christmas.
You can easily spot where the babies are making their new home:)
It hurts. I honestly feel tearing pain in the night because I'm growing so fast.
The joys:)

It's a tradition for my parents to give us each a new Christmas Story/Book on Christmas eve and we read it together as a family. It's become something we all really look forward too. I also have a huge collection of beautiful Christmas books to read to Jaxson so it's special every single year to add to the collection.

Jaxson never gets tired. I mean....for FOUR YEARS OLD he really never needs a rest, nap or a reasonable bedtime! It makes me crazy...but is more shocking than anything. He can outlast anyone in my family by far. It makes the whole "SANTA...needing to come to town" quite difficult. We all bribed him and begged him to sleep or lay down at around 11:00 p.m.

That was never gonna happen.

The trick was letting him lay in nanny and papa's big bed and watch ICE AGE on their TV.
He finally fell to sleep around 12:30 a.m. I think:)
----

Finally, SANTA CAME!
&
left Jaxson enough to keep him busy until next year:)

Among some of his favorites for 2011 were....
(for journaling sake)

His Remote Control Helicopter

A Nintendo 3DS and games
(LOVED his face in this one:)

Skylanders! These little creatures have taken over our life.
The Wii Game, Portal and LOTS of the little Skylanders from Nanny!

We had to snap one with little Lexi-loo.
Jaxson's One and Only cousin:)

He also got a fun Paint your Dino kit.
This kinda thing is right up his alley.....

----

Which is why.....he had to paint it the second he could!
Other than trying out his new Wii games and electronics...it was first on the list:)

Oh yah....
Does your kid like Cool-Whip???
Mine does.

When I look at these pictures I can't decide it it's complete and utter neglect that he helped himself to cool-whip for lunch....or if he is really the luckiest kid in the world.
Toss-up...for sure. ha!

I bought it to make pies...so it wasn't the small package either.
When I walked in the kitchen...he was really going for it!
Made me laugh:)

-----------------

The Holiday was magical and fun for Jaxson.
It was a lot of work for Jarom.
I lived through it....and really enjoyed the parts where I felt a little LESS like all of my insides wanted to be on my outside:) Blah.

One thing is for sure...next Christmas will be awesome.
I plan on having the OLD ME back and three little faces to smooch on and spoil:)
Here's to hoping:):)

---

The new year...brings with it lots of changes...and hopefully the first one will be a magical cure to the all-day sickness! I am hopeful.

It would be nice if I could win the lottery or find an unlimited supply of energy so I can take care of 2 babies and a kindergartner and still repay all the wonderful people who continue to help me!!!
2012 will be FULL.
It will also be the best year I've had since the birth of Jaxson in 2007.

Definitely something to look forward too!

----

For NEW YEARS we celebrated with a group of 25 friends and family at Soldier Hollow.
Nothing like ringing in the new year by flying down an icy-snow-packed mountain on a tube.
I couldn't participate. For obvious reasons.

I really think I would have been just fine to take a few runs....but I'm not really in the mood to start this whole thing over....so I sat on the couch in the toasty warm lodge by the fireplace and ate Nutter Butter Cookies instead.
aaaaaggghhhhh.
Not bad at all.

----

Jaxson on the other hand....was nuts!
He flew down the mountain with his mouth wide-open & grinning and then begged for more.

They went down and down the mountain for 2 hours straight.

In the lodge with Daddy.

NOT VERY HAPPY that it was time to go:)
A little boy could do something like that for weeks before growing tired of it!

-----

We went to lunch in Heber City and then headed to Herriman for a big Family New Years Eve party.
I think we pulled into our house at around 2:00 a.m. and finally carried Jaxson to bed.
It was a LLLLOONNGG day...but full of fun and definitely a great way to ring in the new year:)

It's back to Routine & Preschool this week!
I'm not going crazy in the goal-setting department.
Instead...I am deep cleaning my house and organizing every drawer and closet (but that's more of a nesting thing than a new years resolution:). I also plan on ATTEMPTING some kind of bedtime for Jaxson (maybe...) and planning a few special actitivities to do with the little man before he's not our ONE AND ONLY anymore.

It will be such a great thing for him to get a few siblings.
He will LOVE EVERY SECOND...I just know it.

BUT...it's only natural for me to start counting the lasts!!!
(especially since I'm crazy hormonal and it's been just the three of us for sooo long)

We just celebrated our last Christmas with the 3 of us.
Kind of a bittersweet moment for the mama:)

------

We are looking forward to January and finding out if Jaxson gets 2 brothers, 2 sisters....or his WISH....ONE of each:)

We are also planning his big #5 birthday bash! I am thinking we need to do something extra special since shortly after his birthday he will no longer be the baby!
His life is gonna change drastically this year...

2 Siblings
Turn 5 years old
Start Kindergarten

oh boy:)

-----

Bring it on I guess.

Love, ME

the aftermath.....

2011-12-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

We packed the hummer to the brim and traveled to B.C. for the holiday.

I am currently dealing with the aftermath.

Unpacking, laundry, stocking the house with groceries after being gone for days on end & mourning that my husband went back to work. Today was my designated pity party that the holiday was over and that I miss Jarom. Tomorrow I will get over it and be more productive.

---------

My child has been on cloud nine for DAYS and DAYS: Finally climbing into bed around midnight every night, sleeping right in the middle of nanny and papa, playing wii with uncle nate, flirting with his crush...aunt kelsey, hitting the bowling alley with dad and aunt kayla, & eating LOTS of candy.

The small fact that Santa dumped his sleigh in nanny's family room was kinda exciting too!

This was a bizarre Christmas for me.

Life as a whole is bizarre for me right now I guess:)

I kinda remember the old me...but there's not a trace of her in sight.

Even Jarom told my parents over the weekend..."I didn't think she had it in her..."

(him referring to my amazing new ability to "LET GO", lay around and do nothing)

---------

I kept thinking about NEXT Christmas...then feeling intense guilt that I was wishing away THIS Christmas. Oh...the joys of self-inflicted guilt and hormones. Deadly mixture.

---------

The truth: I am still suffering most of the day.

I put on a smile and did my best to make it magical for Jaxson.

He loved it.

He got spoiled.

I have a handful of pictures of the fun that hopefully I'll post soon!

I allowed ONE picture of me to be taken this season. Wowzers.

All I have to say is: THIS IS HARD.

The whole growing two babies at one time thing.

I am not doing it gracefully.

Every organ in my body is in rebellion.

My skin being Number 2 on the list....my gag reflex coming in at Number 1.

------

The good news of the day.....

We saw the babies this morning.

The three of us traveled to Mckay Dee Hospital today to peek in on the little munchkins. I had this revelation over the weekend that nothing was in there...and this whole thing was my imagination. It was wierd. I was totally convinced.

THEN JAROM SAID: "Honey, do you feel like your gonna die right now??"

To which I nodded.

To which he responded: "Then their in there!"

Very good point.

****

They were doing fabulous. TWO perfect little heads, arms, legs, toes, fingers....and heartbeats.

No matter how sick...or fat...or ugly...

One thing I am for SURE...is blessed.

We find out what these little babies are in 2.5 short weeks.

I am starting to grow anxious!!!!

Jaxson is coming up with some pretty hilarious names for the little ones and keeping even my reallllyyyy siiiiccckkkk moments full of laughs and smiles.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

I hope to post some more journal entries tomorrow!

Love, ME

Next year....

2011-12-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

It's 11:36 p.m. and my childs in the tub.
What can I say...other than he wanted to take a bath?!?!
I couldn't blame him...I take about 3 a day.
It's a great way to unwind.

I guess the obvious fact is "why in the crap is he unwinding for the day at 11:36 instead of 8:00 p.m.?"
To that I have no answer.

Other than this one: the kid acts like he's an adult.
Thank goodness because I can't even take care of myself righ now...let alone him.

He just plopped his butt on the couch next to me and said...
"mom, how you feeling? Ummm...I have a small cold. I have been cold all day and my nose hurts so I think I'll take a warm bath and then snuggle with dad."

Are you serious?

ok.

Sounds good.

Love you son.

Thinking a million miles an hour..."did I not get in the bath today really?"..."are those his tumbling clothes he's wearing...the ones he wore last night and then probably dressed himself in again?"

oh my my my.

Oh well.

You can bet that I asked him to get me a popsicle before he got himself in my jet tub and then gave himself a bath.

The kid is 4 going on 14.

aaaggghhhhh....just what I need right now:)

--------------

Last week was our relief society christmas party.

I did shower and do my hair in order to attend.

Does that count?

I also stood and read my part on the "Wise Men" like I had rehearsed it a billion times...when in all actuality I read through it while I was scarfing dinner 5 minutes prior.

The truth: I was seriously out of breath after doing it.

I mean...after I eat...I already feel like there's not sufficient room to even take a good size breath these days. Then I stood in front of 80 people and tried to read.

I am officially as big as I was at 6.5 months with Jaxson.

I am laughing....and at the same moment...cringing in horror at what the next few months will probably bring. Can people with 2 (or more...oh my) babies in their stomach really take a deep breath? Can they hold more than a few bites of food without feeling like the world is trying to fit inside them?

Do they fear they will pee every time they sneeze? Will they ever sleep 2 consecutive hours again without needing a drink and then needing to pee?

Is this what my life has become!!????

I know like a million people who've had twins and a few who had triplets...and they are alive...so that is my saving grace right now.

IT CAN BE DONE.

-------

SO...the other evening at Relief Society it was suggested that we write ourselves a letter this Christmas and save it until next year to read:) I kinda loved the idea....because of all that will change in my life this coming year. I plan on doing that...after I take a nap of course.

My main motivation for doing this is so that next year (no matter how chaotic my life is) it will boost my confidence to read how pathetic I am this year!! Even if I shower daily and shave my legs....it will be a step up from this year:) If I do ANY of my christmas shopping before December 14th and pay $56.00 to 2-day air a batman figurine...then it will be a step up from this year. If I take my child to Temple Sqaure instead of show him the pictures on FB of other families going to Temple Sqaure...it will be a step up from this year. hahaha.

YES....I need to write this letter.

Because next year I have a feeling it will make me feel like wonder woman.

You wanna know what?!? Jaxson could care less that his life is totally lame lately. It's actually taught me a lot. Once again, I am learning valuable lessons from this whole experience. The "non-pregnant" me is a go-er. I love to be going somewhere, or planning something, or knee deep in a project. For pete sake...I would scrub the toilets for fun.

I would have made a gingerbread house, visited the lights at temple sqaure, made and delivered neighborhood gifts, addressed and mailed ALL of my Christmas cards instead of just some of them, taken Jaxson to the mall 5 times to see Santa and more...if I were the "non-pregnant with twins" version of me.

I have done None of the Above this year.
My parents actually brought a gingerbread house kit over on Sunday and built it with him and he was ecstatic!

He loves to do fun things....but sometimes it's nice to just lock the doors and watch a show by the fire & Christmas tree and refuse to leave the house. Instead we just hang out together.....and eat an embarrassing amount of popsicles.

We also have in-depth discussions that are pretty interesting.

Two minutes ago we wrapped up the question (after a 30 minute Q&A)..

"Mom, How did Jesus make our bodies?"

Phew....that was a bit tougher than I imagined it would be.

In the middle of all his detailed and very specific questions I felt like saying....

"Just ask your dad!"

.......but I succeeded!

He still thinks the first man on earth should have been named Jaxson instead of Adam....but he's 4 years old...so I just went with it.

-------

I kinda wonder what these other two little ones will be like.
Will they be responsible like Jax? Will they be intelligent with an amazing ability to debate everything I say (ugh)...like their brother?

We will see.

Only a few more weeks before we find out what they are!
That should be fun.
And expensive.

Isn't that when the real fun begins???

I have so much to do.
Oh crap.

Love, me

Jarom's Bday, 12 weeks and Journal Entries!

2011-12-11T22:01:00.001-07:00

Sunday December 11, 2011

Jaxson heading out the door for Church!

Me---on the couch begging for mercy:):)

----

December 7th we Celebrated Jarom!

Jarom's Bday was short and sweet this year. Considering that he worked 9 hours straight, made a trip to McKay Dee hospital with me to take a peek at the babies, went to dinner with his family at Texas Roadhouse, came home and WORKED for a few more hours on the phone---(like usual)---then opened a few gifts with the little man at about 10:30 p.m.

He was snoring on the couch within 5 minutes of me snapping these pictures.

Birthday's just aren't the same when you turn 32!

Jaxson was super concerned that we didn't throw him a big themed party like he always gets.

Why aren't we bowling at boondocks? Why isn't dad having a Superhero party?

What about a Snowman Party mom???

Oh...if only I had the energy.

I did my best under the circumstances:)

My constant sickness has turned into PURE exhaustion.

I can sleep for 12 hours straight and still need a nap!

----

The babies are growing fast!

I don't remember things going this quickly with Jaxson! Don't get me wrong....the past few months feel like its' been 3 straight years:) However, when I realize that I find out what these babies are in 3-4 short weeks from now (and therefore this whole thing becomes a reality) ...I panic a little. I DO NOT want to be pregnant anymore...but I do want time to slow down a little. I have WAY too much to do in preparation for them.

I DO have millions of ultrasound pictures!

I seem to go a few times a week actually:)

Each time they send me home with handfuls of pictures. It is drastically different than with Jaxson! I had one ultrasound the entire time with him. Nowadays they tell me to stop in regularly and they'll let us say hi.

So we do.

---

We met at lunchtime on Jarom's bday to take a look. They were doing flips and somersaults in there. They were wiggling their little arms and legs. I'm sure glad they have lots of room in there...considering the muscles on my left side feel like their ripping in the night while I'm growing at ridiculous speeds to accomodate them. Ugh. I already pee an average of 6 time per hour too. I keep thinking what the next 5-6 months have in store if I'm enjoying life so much RIGHT NOW.

The ultrasound was unreal though...I must admit.

What a miracle.

I am looking very pregnant in person:)

I actually look a lot like I did when I was 6 months with Jaxson.

No fair.

But I figured it would be kinda like that!!!

Hope you have a fabulous week.

I plan on starting my Christmas Shopping!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Jounral entries from Sept. 11, 2011 to September 13, 2011

Sept. 11^th, 2011-

I stared at my stomach and the syringe for a good 10 minutes before I was able to do it. Yuck. That wasn’t very fun. Once I got over the MENTAL part of stabbing my stomach with a needle…it was just fine…but man that was a hill to climb for me!

I should have been a nurse.

Why? Because I could get paid a lot of money to do that to OTHER PEOPLE. How hard could it be….especially when you’re not the one feeling any painJ haha.

Burned like a bugger for about ½ hour then I treated myself to a big bowl of ice-cream in celebration of my bravery. Ha!

Bring it on.

Sept. 12^th, 2011-

Filled the syringe….injected it….piece of cakeJ

I am officially a pro.

NOW….about the giant shots Jarom will need to start giving me in the butt. Crap! I know it is coming…..but I don’t think I’ll never mentally be prepared. I should have listened during my injection class last month…when the nurse said “I will not show you the needle.” …..and then I made her.

She was right. It is big. Thick and LONG…and get’s to go deep into my hip muscle.

After all this….I deserve a baby.

That is just my humble opinionJ

Sept . 13, 2011

ONE shot a day….give me something hard! Ha! Today was the first day I was completely convinced that I can do this.

I better be careful what I ask for, huh?J

Considering my calendar says I jump to 3 shots a day…Oh….next week.

For tonight, I am counting my blessings. I feel really happy and at peace today.

I am grateful for the small part of my brain that forces me to get deeply motivated and energetic when I am under intense stressJ I remember after giving birth to my first and ONLY child….I had a surge of energy and determination that I had never experienced before. I waltzed out of that hospital…nursed for the 3^rd time in my life in the front seat of my jeep like I had been doing it forever and carried that 48 hour old baby boy into Walmart for a grocery shopping trip. See---my mom was coming to take care of us….and meet her only grandchild….and I decided to be the “hostess” instead of the “helpless” new mom that I actually was. I made a menu….purchased enough groceries for an army and didn’t sleep for 2 straight weeks from that moment. I picked up my mom from the airport and was ready to put a few miles on that new stroller of mine. I forced her to walk the CRAZY hills that fill every neighborhood in Omaha Nebraska for hours every single afternoon and we shopped til we about dropped (or my milk came in and I needed another nursing break in the Jeep).

I was NUTS.

Wherever that energy came from….It’s back.

My hunch is it's because I have been anticipating this next 6 weeks for SOOOO long. My mind, body and spirit are under so much stress right now. At the end of it…I may be pregnant. The thought makes my stomach do flip-flops with excitement and anxiousness. Of course, it could not work and I know that’s also a possibility. Tonight I’ve decided to think only happy thoughtsJ

Today I did more than normally possible. I have found energy and happiness that has been hard to come by lately. I taught preschool to 24 happy and loving 4 year olds. I scrubbed the bathrooms, scrubbed and vacuumed my car top to bottom, made dinner, weeded yard and planted buckets of new mums and flowers that made me excited for Fall. THEN….I hit the treadmill with a smile. NOW….that NEVER HAPPENS.

I know that my Father in Heaven is watching me and comforting me right now. I know that I am being blessed with energy and positivity to make up for the complete and udder lack of good health. Haha!

For now, I am excited about the “process”. I love Jarom for paying for it. I love him for holding my hand and being a shoulder to cry on for the past 2 years. I love him for offering to give me the injection the other night as I paused and panicked and thought “crap…how will I do this.” Not just the shot…but the whole thing. How will I do it….and LIVE through it…if it doesn’t work.

Starting it... meant I have to finish it.

So that is what I will do.

p.s. Jaxson is my angel on earth.

I plan on writing him a letter tonight. One that he can read when he’s older and that expresses just how important he is and how much he has helped me through the hardest period of my life. That little boy has had such a huge responsibility and he doesn’t even know it. He was sent to me for a reason. He is JUST what I need. He takes care of me. He is and will always be my baby. I also want him to know that although I have been solely focused on having another baby and adding to our family….if it was only the three of us FOREVER….I would be happy. He is Enough. He is perfect.

Date night:)

2011-12-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

So...I convinced Jarom to spend the weekend with me...and only me.

Jaxson's bag is packed and he's headed to nanny's!

I Can't wait.

Yummy food. Whole night sleep without a 4 year old elbowing me in the face. Dessert.

Couples Massage. Movie. ALL MUCH NEEDED.

I will hopefully be showered by the time Jarom gets here to pick me up:)

Hopefully.

Did you know I've been married for 8 years on Monday?!?

Unfortunately it won't be that glamorous...because I'm about as sexy as a beached whale.

BUT....we'll make up for it by gorging ourself with good food and hitting a movie:)

I made him promise that for our 10th...we'd ditch the 3 kiddos (holy crap) at grandma's and do something BIG! By then I might have recovered from birthing and nursing twins. Maybe.

In the meantime...I will be planning it:)

We also use our "weekend away" each December to do each others Christmas Shopping!!!

We don't do surprises.

I just direct him to places...and point to what I want....and he does that same.

It works wonderfully.

No returns.

Everyone's happy.

Sigh. I love it.

--------

We have 2 Christmas Parties on Saturday too! It will be a fun-filled yet exhausting weekend. One Party during lunch at Maddox...and one for dinner at Mimi's Cafe.

I will love every minute of all the food. Yum.

----

We celebrated Jarom's Bday on Wednesday.

The man is getting old...32!

holy.

I'm glad it wasn't me:) he he

----

Pictures to come of Jaxson opening all of his gifts.

Dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

"Jarom refused to sit on the saddle during his bday song" ...OF COURSE.

...so he made jaxson.

I tell ya...it is small moments like that when you are lucky to have a kid.

You can force them to do just about anything...and they work as a wonderful excuse to get you out of anything you'd rather not do:) ha!

----

I better get packing.

hallelujah.

---

Me:)

Food: My friend! & More Journal entries:)

2011-12-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

First,
If I would have known how many wonderful emails and messages I would have gotten...I would have told you all how bad my life was a LONG TIME AGO:)
It was awesome.
Thank you.
I love reading them.
I love that I can relate or share the same feelings with so many of you.
I love that something I said sparked something in you enough to reach out and write:)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I hope you continue to do so! I have countless journal entries of this process still coming (I am hoping to tell the WHOLE STORY by Christmas so that after the holidays I can kiss goodbye to 2011 and move forward). Tt is so special for me to hear your words of encouragement and stories of your own struggles/loss. Thanks for taking the time.
Thanks for being interested.
Thanks for saying WAY too many nice words about me:)
xoxo

-------

Tonight as Jaxson lay on the couch watching some wierdo pokemon show (seriously???? I remember when my little brother was obsessed with those slightly disturbing characters...and now it's my baby)....I gave him a chocolate hershy kiss filled with carmel.

I thought he ate it.

He fell asleep on top of it instead.

Never underestimate what one small hershey kiss can do to a leather couch!
I sat on the bar eating a slice of the most delicious carmely-chocalately goo-covered cake that my neighbor brought me...while watching Jarom clean it up.

IT looked difficult:)
ha.
------

on a sidenote:

Food is my new best friend.
I am hungry 24/7.
Like...out-eat-2-grown-men-hungry.

When I'm not hungry I am thinking about what I can eat when I AM hungry.

I have put much thought into why this is.
Especially because my "what to expect book" says that each baby needs an extra 300 calories ONLY at this point.

First, that's a lie.
How on earth can someone determine that??
And if they can....and they are right by some small miracle...then someone explain to me the insane hunger pains that occur when I try to convince myself a "fiber one" bar will suffice.

I think after 27 years of living on this planet...I can decipher between a hunger pain and an
I-am-bored-so-I-eat pain.
It's hunger. Serious hunger. & Thirst.

Jarom kindly packed snacks in my church bag on Sunday....and when I peered in to see what kind of goods he had chosen...I exclaimed "I could eat this on the drive there!"

Really, 6 baby carrots and a pop-tart.
no, not gonna cut it:)
I would have wasted away to nothing during those long 3 hours.

------

Also-have any of you tried a big old bag of crunchy cheetos lately???
I have been depriving myself of some of the best things in life!

That's what I decided I want for Christmas.
Some alone time with a Family Size bag of cheetos.
Oh my.

Then....one of my preschoolers brought krispy kremes to school today.
Really???
I forgot they exist HOW????

Maybe because both of those things (cheetos and Krispy kremes) fell under the
"NEVER BUY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE"
category before I was pregnant wiht twinners.

Now....I eat one for each of us. Of everything:)
...and it's kinda nice just living life...not caring....
knowing that even if I torture myself with fiber one bars and activia yogurt...the odds of my looking like I swallowed a perfectly round cantalope are not good.

I will look like a whale come spring/summer.
Serious....google "pictures of pregnant with twins".
ummmm........

*
*
*

So...my minds made up.
I WILL Live!
a full...and happy...guilt free...food-filled life:)

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I think I'll start with a trip to the cheesecake factory for my anniversary.
Do you think my massive gallstones will forgive me for a piece of
"Adam's peanut butter fudge ripple cheesecake" ???

Oh....that attack last week hurt so bad I didn't think I would live to see the light of the next day.....but at the current moment the cheesecake sounds worth re-living it!

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Journal entries from August 19-September 10, 2011

FRIDAY AUGUST 19, 2011,

Today was our injection class. It was odd. I kept staring at the needles and vials of drugs thinking “I guess this is gonna happen then.”

I only had ONE major breakdown.

(me on Injection class day:) 7:30 a.m.! Here we go!!!

I only had one minute when I put my face in my hands and sobbed.

I think it hit me….how unfair it all is. SO MANY WOMEN have to go through this without any GAURANTEE of a pregnancy. So many Women feel scared and helpless and do this everyday…while others (me included) are just living their lives with kids that came so easy. I thought about how many months/years I went about life completely oblivious to the fact that other women were suffering like this. I have never felt so SAD. I wasn’t necessarily sad that I had to go through it at that moment….I mean, I would rather NOT …but I just felt so much sorrow at that moment for all the women walking the halls of that facility. We can pass each other in the halls and with one glance KNOW the depths of despair and sorrow and helplessness that each other has felt. Handfuls of women take out a loan….put their brains and bodies through HELL and back….and that little pregnancy test has the nerve to turn negative. It was overwhelming.

I now belong to a group of people that are paying….their entire savings account for a CHANCE at a little morning sicknessJ I just needed, yet another moment, to get over it. I did.

When my frustration was all out….I wiped my tears….ripped the cap off the needle and shoved it into the little rubber-like teaching tool that is supposed to represent the fat roll on my tummyJ

I can do this. I can do this.

I hope.

I was then given my final calendar. It has the next 6-8 weeks of my life planned out to the minute pretty much.

Behold: my lifeline=drug schedule.

Drugs, times, dosages, days, etc. all organized into weeks and taped to the inside of cupboard:)

I start Lupron injections on September 11^th. Lupron suppresses the hormones in my system and prevents me from releasing any eggs this month (we want to save them up so we can get them all at once!) THEN I start Stims (Follicular Stimulating Hormone drugs-FSH) 2 weeks later. I will do 4-5 shots in my stomach every day for those few weeks. Oct 3-7^th will be what they call “MY IVF WEEK”. That is the week I am scheduled for egg retrieval. I am scared for that week to come….but also approaching it with a little bit of excitement and hope. It’s amazing humans can find a glimmer of hope to hang onto after being beaten down for so long.

My fridge looks like a pharmacy.

My bathroom is filled with Sharps Containers for old needles & alcohol swabs.

We are ready.

I KNOW this will work out. I know that if it doesn’t work this time….I will try again. Sometimes I am more happy about that fact than others…ha ha….but I know I have a few little ones in heaven just waiting for their turn to come to our family. They are watching me….and with some luck….are vowing to be perfect angels for the duration of their life so I won’t suffer anymore than I already am on their behalf! Ha!

After what felt like hours of stress….and ONE detailed ultrasound….they decided it was best to up my dosages. Was I surprised? Not really. Afterall, this is ME we’re talking about. “Out of the ordinary” is starting to be the ordinary at our house. That DID stressed me out a little. But, what doesn’t these days???? It was hard to accept that my insides don’t feel as healthy and strong as my outside. I mean, have you ever had someone look you in the eye and tell you “you are sick!” I always feel like saying…. “really? I am?”

Often times I distance myself from it….because it feels like they are talking about someone else entirely.

The higher dosages mean this: More Meds, More Side effects, More Money. You are welcome Jarom! He has started saying “you are the most expensive woman on the planet!” Everything in this process has been MORE MONEY than normal. ICSI is more money (which we are doing)….if we get enough embryo’s to freeze a few: more money. Oh the fun.

The thing is….I can’t think of anything better to spend our money on.

While others are buying a new car….or a trip to a sandy beach somewhere…or Jarom’s latest DREAM (A HOT TUB)….we are pumping our money into our Family. I feel proud of that. Afterall, our family….our children….they’re the only thing we can take with us when this earthly experience is over.

Looks like the fun begins on Sunday Sept. 11^th. After that day my life will be ruled by that calendar they so kindly typed up for me. I will be at the U of U almost daily….I will teach preschool full time…try my hardest to make it to all tumbling classes and soccer games….and inject myself multiple times a day all on a strict time schedule! In the meantime my ovaries and body will be working major overtime to develop 15 plus eggs at one time. I’m almost certain I won’t be capable of doing it gracefully. I mean….if my first pregnancy was any indicator of what my body is capable of putting me through….heaven help me.

I woke up this morning and glanced at the picture of the chubby, big-eyed boy hanging on the wall in my bedroom and I remembered something: IT WAS ALL COMPLETELY WORTH IT!

And it will be again.

Thursday, August 25^th

Today I got some more rough news.

Some days I am shocked at the continual downward spiral. Some days I am numb to it.

It had to do with my countless other symptoms and problemsJ My stomach pain, heartburn, reflux and overall….I want to die feeling….has continued to intensify for the past 18 months. It all started in college. I THOUGHT it was the stress & transition of life, the pressure of getting an “A” on my upcoming psychcology test and moving in with roommates. Ugh. (I think that’s why I got married so quick….hated the whole 6 girls crammed into one house thing) THAT…and I fell head over heels for Jarom. Everyone chalked it up to “stress”. I knew otherwise….but I just accepted it and tried to deal with it.

While digging into “my health” and our infertility…I figured it was a good idea to assess my overall health and figure out exactly why my body was on strike. The truth is….I NEVER SHOULD have started digging aroundJ

Two weeks ago I got an overwhelming feeling that my symptoms were again bad enough that I should see a specialist. I knew that IVF was not only insanely expensive…but pretty intense and invasive and I wanted to be healthy before I started. I made an appointment. I got a lot of meaningless answers and told “to live with it…it’schronic and painful but it’s never going away!”

I was mad. I wanted to give the doctor a piece of my mind. I kinda did….cuz keeping my feelings and emotions bottled up has never been my strong pointJ I mean….WHAT… AN… ASS .

Today…like 20 minutes before my big “BACK TO SCHOOL NIGHT” open house, I get a call.

My blood results WERE back and it didn’t look good. I had antibodies in my blood and tested positive for something that I DID not want to have. Chrone’s Disease. I will need medications forever. I will needs exams multiple times a year. My heart sunk. She said the doctor wanted me scheduled for surgery (not another one PAAHHLEEASE!) immediately and a biopsy would need to be done to rule out bigger problems. Geez.

I was shocked. I was frustrated. I was heartbroken.

Jarom calmy reassured me that everything was going to be fine. It’s weird…because even though I cannot figure out HOW…..and I have a really hard time staying positive lately….I just BELIEVE HIM. Every time he talks to me…I feel comfort and in awe of his perspective. I feel bad for the poor man, because I call him daily at work and all he hears is sobs on the other end.

He just listens. Then, like always, brings me back to rational with his amazing long-term perspective. He has a way of making all the horrible disappear and I feel safe and like it’s all going to be fine within minutes of hearing his voice. I have called him so many times….hyperventilating…. “they told me I have this! I am going to die! I need 10,000 dollars right now! I need you to take off work and drive me to the doctor…then to denny’s for a plate of French toast before I have a meltdown!

He does it. He never complains. He ALWAYS tells me that he’ll take care of it…and that the last thing he wants me to do is stress.

A diagnosis was bittersweet. My pain and symptoms had a name. I wasn’t nutsJ

Anyhow….I am proud of myself because I haven’t let it stop me. Sure….I have wanted to lay down and quit at times….I mean how many times can someone be beaten down in one short year??? YET….I keep going! I look at the past few years…and although difficult…I have so many blessings. I have a really really really handsome husband with a testimonyJ Bonus. Jaxson…well, he’s my biggest accomplishment and always will be. He’s as quick as a whip, he has to-die for big brown eyes that melt my heart and he’s convinced that I am a wonderfulJ

I figure I must be doing something right.

They say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”….I sure hope that is true. I will continue to fight….and work until I am exhausted beyond belief…to accomplish my goals. My number one goal is to be a Mother…..and to give Jaxson a sibling…..so that is what I will do. I don’t think it will kill me….(it might come close, I’m not kidding)…but I can do this. I can do it because I have Jarom and Jaxson helping me through.

Man…I sure made the most perfect decision 7.5 years ago when I chose that man.

Here’s to praying that I don’t have many more rough days. EVENTUALLY things will get better. They have too.

Sept 10^th, 2011

Well….things did get worse. In my very last journal entry I wrote “ things can’t get much worse! They are bound to get better.” WELL…don’t speak too soon, because things can always get worse.

My IVF doctor, Dr. Peterson, decided to put my IVF cycle on hold until I can get medically cleared from the other specialist regarding my new diagnosis and bloodwork that isn’t looking so good.

I was devastated.

I simply could not believe that after everything I’d been through…..this was happening.

I immediately called the specialist and requested a note saying that I could proceed with IVF if I wished. I’ve been working towards this day for a long long time. I don’t want to wait anymore. I have paid ridiculous amounts of money and I was convinced and determined to continue.

I didn’t care about me…or my health. I would fix me later. I was ready and willing to choose my children. I just wanted them to give me the chance.

The specialist refused to give me clearance to proceed. I sank to the floor in my laundry room while my assistant greeted my little preschoolers…..and I dialed Jarom’s number. I told him to fix it. I told him that I was nearing “my point”. The point in which I felt like I would freak out completelyJ We talked and were able to make a plan. He always makes me feel comfort.

If I can give anybody a piece of advice…it is this.

You will have hard times. It is inevitable. It may seem like you won’t…and like life is pretty great…but it will happen. And when it does, the best gift you can give yourself is someone who is strong and faithful and loves you. Someone who knows what’s important and who would do anything to make you happy. It’s definitely the key to happiness.

Honestly, at that moment….I think the stress of it all was about to do me inJ

The strange thing…I never felt like giving up. If anything, It made my determination that much more intense. I refuse to take no for an answer.

After 2 days of talking and praying and discussing the doctor’s advice and all of our possible options….Jarom and I decided to proceed. I felt for several days….like I was being forced to choose between to impossible choices. Give up IVF….get surgery and medicate my problems….or deal with the pain and suffer but choose to attempt IVF against all doctors recommendations.

Do I know the outcome? No. Am I confident it will work? No. Not this time. I DO KNOW that eventually it will work. I have faith that it will. I am not certain of the Lord’s timing and I am and have been willing to do whatever is asked of me in the meantime.

For now, Jarom and I feel peace. He gave me a beautiful blessing and I know that this will all be a distant memory in a few years. I know that I will have more children and that I will have the opportunity to fix my other health problems and medicate them.

For now….tomorrow is the big day!

My entire extended family and Jarom’s is holding a family fast in our behalf tomorrow. I feel very loved and blessed today.

Tomorrow I embark on another journey.

It will be a difficult one. But I can do difficult things.

Love, Me

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My personal email: kristinbishop1@gmail.com

In celebration of my last needle!!!

2011-12-05T09:59:00.002-07:00

Did you know that Saturday evening was my VERY LAST SHOT in the butt.

I've had "December 3rd" marked in my brain for months.

Every single night it was getting more and more difficult to do them.

After months of stabbing your hip muscle with 2-inch long thick needles they get a little bruised and HARD, come to find out. I've actually heard from a handful of friends who've done IVF that their hips are never the same. Mine feel pretty crazy....and have hard lumps that throb inside of them.

(calm down...it's not my butt...just my hip/love handle that I'm showing here:)

These are the BULLSEYE'S on each hip...showing Jarom where to aim.

Don't mind my hair. If you stop by unannounced I will have no less than 6 things in my hair at a time. Bobby pins, headbands, clips, elastics, etc.

Can't stand to have it touch my face:)

Jarom was having a hard time finding a spot for the needle....sometimes he had to aim straight for a bruise or a hole from the previous night. OUCH! Sometimes I couldn't carry a purse or lay on my side (forcing me to sleep on my back...ugh). Sometimes Jarom would pat or squeeze my butt when I walked by and would be quickly reminded with a punch or me falling to the ground in pain....that my butt/hips were no longer enjopying that small act of affection:)

Wanna know something cute? Jaxson NEVER FORGOT my shot. There were a few nights during the past few months that it slipped our mind and we would have totally forgot.....but every single evening Jaxson would bring me an ice pack and say "Mom...we gotta do your shot!"

He also never missed one. He loved to watch.

He would spread his favorite yellow blanket out and let me lay on it....then we'd sing a song until it was over. The drugs were as thick as peanut butter and took a whole 15 seconds to administer....so I always had to be singing. Jaxson was by my side....laying his head right next to mine....every single night.

He is my little angel.

BUT.....we are officially moving on and past that stage!

I will not miss getting LARGE packages like this one.....

....every few weeks from FEDEX. The entire things is FULL of needles and syringes by the way.

It was a little overwhelming at times.

I remember thinking "Every single one of these will stab me....! How is that possible???"

Then we'd get down to the last one and I'd actually have to order more!!!

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Oh you better believe that I am thinking about what I want for a present for surviving:)

I told Jarom I'd let him know by the end of the day.

It came at a perfect time...because this weekend marks our 8th anniversary!

Maybe he'd go for a get-a-way. Just the 2 of us.

NOW that our night, for the first time in months, could be somewhat romantic instead of involving needles, vials of hormones, blood, hot packs & barfing.

Yes...I think a getaway is on the horizon.

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In celebration....I am also posting my first TWO Journal entries of this process.

This was back in JULY of 2011.

Each of our life stories has ups and downs. I'd prefer that mine didn't have this chapter on "infertility" but I've learned and grown and feel empathy and sympathy and understanding on levels I wasn't capable of before.

Please be gentle with me.

(I have been reading blogs lately of courageous woman that have lost a child....and you wouldn't believe the things people dare say to them! I gasp in horror at the nerve....)

Meaning....if you have something mean or any constructive criticism about my personal thoughts, feelings and journal entries....it would do you best to tuck them deep down in a dark place instead of share them with me. I am crazy hormonal. I will find you and make you cry.

Enjoy

Infertility: My story.

A few years ago when I was living in the “I can have kids whenever I want” dreamland….I ran across a blog. This girl was a friend of mine…and had been so since elementary school. We had lost touch since high school and I was so happy to stumble upon her blog. I had no idea of her struggle but she had tried to have a baby for years and nothing worked. It finally took IVF (invitro fertilization) to get her darling babies here to earth.

Naturally, I was glued to her blog…as I read through her entire ordeal and all the horrific and painful things that she described. It seemed stressful and nerve wracking and painful. I was in awe of her positivity.

I told myself I would die if that happened to me. Isn’t that our classic response to things that we think we are incapable of dealing with? I vividly remember that evening….we lived at my parents and were building our house at the time. Everyone was asleep and I was blog hopping all night like usual. I read through EVERY post over a years time and I remember thinking “That would be the hardest thing ever. That is truly one trial I don’t think I could live through. “

The truth is…a human can deal with an awful lot if they don’t have a choice. I was pretty naïve.

After reading her blog…I hugged my little Jaxson….talked to Jarom about having another baby….removed the IUD and thought I’d be rocking a baby (boyJJ with some luck so Jaxson could have a buddy) in no time. Ha!

If I could go back I would warn that version of “me”….the “OLD ME”…( cuz I am a completely different person than I was 2 years ago BELIEVE ME)….that things were going to get a LOT worse before they got better. I would tell her to remember this one statement when it got rough…(oh cuz it will)…to “REPLACE FEAR WITH FAITH”. I would tell her to not give up…when it’s emotional and painful and feels lonely.

The day I gave birth to my Jaxson John I had absolutely no idea of the emotional, mental, physical and financial hill we would climb in order to get our next baby here.

I was never going to breath a word about my struggle actually. It is personal and nobody’s business I told myself…and it isn’t. But then I realized how many millions of times I’ve logged onto my friend’s blog and re-read the entire account of this trial in her own words. I felt comfort when I did. I felt better. Although our trials are different and unique….we shared the same desire.

What if I helped someone else by saying outloud…how awful it was? How helpless you feel. AND how much you can learn about yourself. And how much you can learn about your husband. And how much you can treasure and adore your only child. And how you can gain a greater understanding of the big picture.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY how you can go on and be happy and love the life you have…even if it’s not worked out exactly like you had planned.

Then I knew. I had to share.

I know this is how the Lord works. We are here to learn and struggle and grow. We are here to help others on their way. Sometimes it takes being stopped dead in our tracks….faced with something BIG….before we realize what we DO have and what’s actually important. Unfortunately it takes these life changing experiences to put things into perspective. If you’ve visited this little blog of mine before….you might know my passion for motherhood. My world changed when I found out I was going to be a Mother…..and it has never been the same. I have one sole purpose….and it’s HIM, my Jaxson John. I have adored him since moment one….I couldn’t believe how much joy something could bring to my life. I cherished it….and I definitely can say I HAVE NOT taken one single moment for granted! I’ve documented every hiccup and poop for the first 4 years of his lifeJ He just turned four years old a few months back….which means I am still being the overinvolved, overprotective and overly in love mother I always knew that I would be.

What I did take for granted was the ability to plan and choose and be in complete control of my life. Planning my family was a huge deal to me and Jarom. We had talked about it for years….and we were very agreed upon what would work best for US. We wanted spacing. We wanted to be done with school. I wanted to be a stay at home mother 24/7. We wanted to thoroughly enjoy one before having another. That was OUR choice. Not what works best for everybody….but what we preferred.

Come to find out….life doesn’t take orders. Life and reality didn’t seem to care too much about my “perfect plan” either.

It would take hours and hours….maybe days…..to express the range of emotions, the lessons and the very special experiences I’ve had through all of this. I don’t have to explain it all…and I won’t…some of them are too special to me…but hopefully I can share enough to make others going through the same thing feel some kind of comfortJ

Warning: Sometimes I handle things with a heavy dose of sass. It’s what helps me get through things. It’s what helps me dig deep and find the attitude necessary to deal with whatever comes my way. Although my sassiness is a huge part of me….(and Jarom claims the main thing he fell in love withJ) it often masks the truth: this has been the single hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Until this experience I felt unstoppable. I was young, independent, confident and capable. This experience made me feel vulnerable. I turned to mush. I spent MONTHS trying to convince myself that I had something to offer other than popping out children and raising them into happy, healthy and faithful adults. I am forever changed. For that I am grateful. It has taken me MONTHS to accept it….sometimes I longed for the old “Kristin” back. The one who had never felt such discouragement and pain. The one whose life was going exactly “according to plan”. Ha!

Lesson Learned.

Things don’t go according to plan. Ever. It may seem to all go according to plan for years at a time….but inevitably it will drift from your perfectly paved plan….and head straight for the bumpy dirt road. Just to see if you can do it. Just to see if it trips you up, turns you bitter or instead increases your determination and focus to keep going. I am glad that….so far….I have chosen the latter.

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The first thing you need to know about infertility is…it sucksJ I wish there is a more delicate way to put it. The truth is I have experienced every emotion under the sun…and I’ve most likely experienced them to a degree words fail to fully explain because of the drugs that race through your veins during the entire process. Hot flashes….HOLY. That term took on a whole new meaning. My one piece of advice: if your Dr. ever puts you on a drug called Norinthindrone….Run SCREAMING from his office. The best part….I was on a double dose. Vomiting….no big deal. Zits….there just isn’t room for more…but sure…bring ‘em on. Weight gain….why not. Anxiety….loss of sleep. I took a double dose of that stuff for 5 months. I deserve something fabulous!!!! All of these things are piled on top of you at the most vulnerable time in your life. A time in which you feel like all CHOICE and all CONTROL of your life is slipping through your fingers.

Now imagine it happening to a control freak like me. Yikes. There were some pretty dark days.

The second thing you need to know is: People are born without tact. It is best to feel bad for them instead of visualize yourself choking them as they spout out things that are rude and ridiculous. The art of “knowing what to say” is as valuable as “knowing what NOT to say”. Some people are private. Some people are open. EVERYBODY’S problem or issue is drastically different and cannot be compared. You will be sucked into this BIG time. Everyone you meet will tell you EVERY story they’ve ever heard. So and so adopted….so and so tried for 10 years and then had twins. The truth is….they aren’t YOU. It does very little to numb the pain actually.

Any woman I meet that is struggling to get her children here to earth….will be promptly: 1-bear hugged and told she doesn’t deserve it., 2- followed by me buying her some kind of baked good or ice-cream shake…taking her to Zupa’s for lunch…and then letting her complain to her hearts content and I will NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE say anything about a sister, friend, aunt, cousin who just had surgery and has been trying to conceive for 10 years, etc.

The third thing you need to know is: Hypersensitivity takes on a whole new meaning. One minute you are completely productive and happy….loving life…the next you make an entire batch of cookies, eat them, call your friend and complain…call your husband and ball till your face is covered in snot…refuse to cook dinner for a week straight and online shop until your completely brokeJ

Of course, and more importantly you hit your knees and pray that you’ll make it and read wonderful uplifiting books that calm you and remind you of the big picture. You read your CHILD a book ….because you have one…and he’s perfect and darling and sassy…. and then snuggle with him. You enjoy every minute, every milestone and every holiday with more intensity. You feel more lucky…you feel more blessed….you feel more vulnerable (which isn’t fun). You pour over your scrapbooks and rub the ultrasound pictures with your thumb…..convincing yourself that it happened. It happened without even trying! And it can happen again.

You succumb to HIS WILL and give up yours. I think that is the ultimate test.

Without entirely opening up my personal feelings and experiences on this BLOG….I do hope to help someone else through this journey. Afterall…if you’ve just become a member of this club called “infertility” (especially since it’s against your willJ) I figured you’d need a friend! I hope you’ll feel comfort in knowing that I lived through it…and you will too. I hope you find comfort in my words and can dig deep and fight through it. Keep thinking about the day you hold them for the first time…and smell their heavenly smell and know that it was all worth it. All of it.

In July 2011 I found out again that another procedure had not worked. I had become a professional at dealing with the emotion and pain involved in that disappointment. If that is even possible???

Small history:

After trying for an entire YEAR on our own I knew something must be wrong. Jaxson came the MOMENT I wanted a baby…and everything went so smooth and perfect.

We started seeing Doctors. We were told EVERYTHING under the sun. Nothing was wrong. Then something was wrong. Then it was “unexplained infertility”. Then I had a major cyst on my ovary. Then I had awful surgery to cut it out. Then medicine for HEALING for 6 months. Then, in the meantime, we tried 5 artificial inseminations. None of them were successful. Each month of my life became more difficult to live and each month demanded more from me and my body. I was struggling.

THEN….I met Dr. Peterson. I love him. He is upfront….but NEVER blunt. He is honest….but leaves you HOPE. He is a religious man and I am grateful for that. He is in the baby-making business….and so it’s necessary to leave room for “God’s Will” in the picture. We are on the same page in that department. I knew that we were in the right hands. Plus…he loved me because I was 26! Which means I am a “baby” when it comes to all thisJ I think he KNEW I would try 15 times before giving up! Which means he had pretty good odds of being successful.

We have been seeing him for 7 months.

After my last unsuccessful procedure….Jarom was ready for the next step. Jarom always steps in as my “fix it” man. He is my perfect partner. No more messing around he said….and that was that.

IT was never really discussed. We both KNEW what our next move would be.

At that point I decided to keep a journal of this once in a lifetime experience. Afterall….not everybody gets to have this experience (Look…there I go thinking on the positive side again…go meJ) Hopefully it will have a happy ending. Of course, that is all depending on my outlook and I am trying my hardest to keep smilingJ I have a lot to be happy about. I am reminded daily….as I look at our son and miracle: Jaxson.

Infertility: My story.

This is hopefully the final chapter of a 2 year journey.

I am anxious and nervous and my emotions are very close to the surface. I am also in awe of medicine and fascinated by the capabilities that we have available to bless our lives.

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July 29^th, 2011

Today we met with Dr. Peterson…..my angel on earthJ We had a nice long talk. We laughed. We talked about how I had the most beautiful SON and that once upon a time I hadn’t belonged to the “infertility club”. I told Dr. Peterson EVERYTHING I felt. I sat on his table and told him that being a part of this new club sucked. I asked him how I got here??? He assured me I wouldn’t be a member foreverJ

I told him how I ate an entire row of Chips Ahoy in a moment of panic the previous afternoon. I asked him how painful it was going to be? What more could my body go through at this point? I made him laugh A LOT. Jarom says he likes meJ That made me happy. I’m not sure how many patients he gets that aren’t afraid to hold back. Never underestimate the number of questions I can come up with. Never underestimate my passion for being a mother. That’s why I loved this man from day one. I looked him in the eye and told him…. “I’ll have more babies. Not one…not two…but lots.” He looked at me…after breaking some not-so-good news about my health and ability to do that and said “From the moment I met you I didn’t doubt it.”

I know in my heart that my next baby (or two:) might be a bit stubborn….and causing me a lot more pain than I deserve (and that goes for mental, emotional and PHYSICAL)….but I also like to think he or she knows how hard I am fighting to get them here. I like to think they are very aware of what mommy and daddy are sacrificing. I will surely remind them as a teenager how insanely expensive they were before they were even born!!!

Above all I hope they know that we’ll never give up. “Faith without works is dead” has been our motto over the past two years. I have Faith that things will work out for our good…but in the meantime we are working tirelessly to do our part. We are stretching and willing to sacrifice. When the time finally comes for them to join our family they will be bring us more joy than I can put into words. I feel comfort knowing they know that.

It’s kind of ironic that after all of this LACK OF CONTROL…..we get to control the experience of making our next baby or babies to such a degree. We have decided to fork over the big bucks and do IVF with ICSI. Invitro Fertilization with intracytoplasmic sperm injection. Why not, I say?!? Spending large chunks of money each month on infertility has become a regular part of life…along with the Comcast and Questar billJ

I am feeling very lucky tonight….and I don’t always feel that way about his whole ordeal…so it’s worth recording! Ha!

I have spent more time that I’d like to admit being negative about it. I felt frustrated that Jarom worked so hard only to spend money on something that “should be” free. Something that was once “free” for us as well!

I’ve been trying hard to view it differently.

1. I am lucky that I get to try.

2. I am lucky that Jarom and I are united in our dedication to do “whatever it takes” for our family.

3. I am lucky Jarom works hard and that we have the means to take this opportunity at all.

4. I am lucky to have the best Doctor in Utah. The head of Infertility and Endocrinology at the University of Utah. I will forever be in love with him for making this possible.

5. I am lucky that I have a beautiful, healthy son and that I get to experience all the joys of being a busy MOTHER while going through this trial.

6. I am lucky to have Jarom. Oh how I love him.

I know many women who haven’t had the opportunity to have ANY children yet…and I can most definitely say that would make this process much more difficult. While I am sick and frustrated and trying everything I can….I get to be a MOTHER. I get to video swimming lessons!

I get to take Jax to Disneyland….and buy him a suit on his first day as a SUNBEAM in primary. I get to by action figures and snuggle and sing songs.

He is my sanity. Who knew that somebody so small could be the GLUE literally holding me togetherJ

We have decided that September is itJ I am not sure how many people we will tell just yet. I am not sure of much right now…other than I will be starting my injection classes in the next few weeks and learning how to properly inject myself with drugs multiple times a day! Let the fun begin.

I also know that I will gain weight and get insane acne. Fun stuff. Sign me up.

Oh and I know that Jarom will be giving me the large injections in my butt a few times a weekJ Right now I am just praying I won’t faint…and praying that jarom won’t eitherJ

I have lots of plans for my last month of freedom as I like to call it. The following months will surely be the most trying and stressful of our lives. So…we are living it up in August. We are headed to Lake Powell for the week….and shortly after we get back Jarom is sending me to the Spa for an entire day of treatments and relaxationJ We have a family vacation at the end of August and I am SOOOO excited. There is nothing better than a week straight in the SUN with my boys. I plan on soaking them up. I plan on counting all my blessings and not letting this horrible “infertility” rob me of one more day.

Shortly after returning and spending some quality time with Jaxson….we will start the process.

I can do this.

I will do this…if that’s what it takes. Even though I am scared to death.

If you are struggling with Infertility I am giving you a big hug and telling you to stay strong. It may get worse before it gets better! If you keep fighting and PRIORITIZE your life (cut the Stuff, money, drama & friends who repeatedly tell you how easy it is for them to get pregnant:):) IT WILL HAPPEN.

He has a plan for you.

xoxoxo

kristin

My outing(s)...

2011-12-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

This week I made TWO outings.

Miracles do happen.

Yesterday I ventured out to the garment store (where we, members of the LDS faith buy our underwear).

It was glorious.

I bought a handful of bottoms and tops all in different sizes and fabrics.

...and...

ALL IN "BIG GIRL" SIZE. heehee

I haven't been this happy and "unsqueezed to death" in about 11 weeks.

aaaaahhhhh....the simple pleasures.

---

Today I continued the festivities....with my evening outing for stretch pants.

My mom drove from Brigham City...just to drive me to the store and back.

They are not attractive.

But....They fit and don't squeeze any part of me to death...SO they were a winner.

I bought 2. Just because...I found something that fit by ever-expanding butt! Wahoo:)

See---Miracles DO happen.

-----

If my child stops barfing....and I stop gagging over the fact that he is doing so....I will be getting all showered and make-uped and dressed (in real clothes) for a Christmas Dinner Party tomorrow night.

Those things haven't happened (all at the same time) since some time in August.

HOPEFULLY....we get lucky and have one

nauseous-free, barf-free, easy day in which I can scarf down a delicious steak dinner without thinking about my misery:)

please oh please oh please.

----

p.s. Jarom asked me what I wanted for christmas.

My prompt reply was this:

" MY LIFE BACK!!!"

As grateful as I am to be pregnant (and believe me...I wouldn't have put myself through all that I have if I didn't want to be).....I will fully admit that it is cruel and unusual punishment.

Oh...it will be VERY worth it in the end, but it does not diminish the pure torture that is my life at the current moment. WHAT.IS.HAPPENING.TO.MY.BODY.

Oh...

I almost forgot....

Merry Christmas.

To those actually getting to enjoy the season!

Mwauh!

More on that....

2011-11-28T00:56:00.000-07:00

So....
Now that I've shared my big secret...I can expand on the TRUTH about the last few years and months of my life:)

I sat in my rocking Chair in the nursery tonight and sketched ideas of how in the world I could get 2 of everything to fit in there. Overwhelming but equally as exciting.

I have to admit...it was and IS the first time I've been excited. I dreamt about them last night. They were both screaming their heads off...it was the middle of the night...and I was trying to figure out how to feed them both! One started sucking on my arm...and I wasn't coordinated enough to pick the other one up at the same time. My oh my. If that is a sign of things to come....I am in trouble:)

I have been so deathly sick...and scared...and at risk of losing them both....or one...that I've kept myself "protected" mentally. Kind of like "Self-Preservation" mode....just in case things didn't have the happy ending that I desperately hoped for.

I now feel excitement and peace.
I know they are growing and healthy....and that this is REAL.

I have a belly.
Although....my butts bigger than the belly these days I'm afraid:)

-----

In the next few weeks I'll be giving a "behind the scenes" tour of the past few months of my life I guess:) It should be fun/ interesting.

It will take months...because I CANNOT tell a quick story. According to my mother...I learned that one from my Dad. It's all in the details:) The good juicy ones that include: the lengths of the needles, every emotion that floods your system...the lessons learned along the way...the beautiful blessings I received and the day I saw TWO little heartbeats and let the flood gates fully open while I bawled like never before! I was a blubbering mess as nurses started throwing tissues at me. I couldn't for the life of me speak like a normal human. I just bawled and let Jarom rub my arm.

You can bet that my blog will become an outlet of the feelings I've had brewing for the past few years....sprinkled with pictures of my Jax of course.....but for now, my goal is to HELP others:) I know that sooo many women are struggling with infertility and have nowhere to turn. Send them here:) I have seen/done/read/experienced it all. It may surprise you what I know...what I've tried...what I've been through.

I know that I can help.

I can say all the things that I wished someone would have said to me.

I made the mistake of dealing with it ALONE until recently.

I was tough, independant and capable....I didn't need help! ummm...yah right.

Melanee Price will always hold a special place in my heart because she paved the way for me.

Her words on her blog, YEARS ago, were meant for her own journaling purposes...but instead, she changed my life. She has become a great friend and a wonderful listener.

Her words gave me the courage to make the jump that I was too stubborn and prideful to make.

Afterall, I had JAXSON!
You know...Jaxson...the one who rules my life??
He was mine. He was easy. I was/am capable.

Come to find out.....

Things change.

They have to.

SO we can change too.

-----

I once posted about a particlurly dysfunctional day at my house....(kid running around naked....dirty laundry piling up, etc.) and someone kindly responded..."that was refreshing to read...because it seems like you usually have everything so figured out!"

oh my.

I guess my only explanation is the REALLY REALLY tough stuff is something we tend to keep tucked neatly inside. It's safer there. People can't make comments or judgements or try and "fix it" or make you feel better by saying something that really doesn't make you feel better at all.

-----

First, I have to sincerely say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to those of you, some who I've never even met, that wished us well and congratulations! My battle with infertility has been such a struggle and it was such a special experience getting to FINALLY share the joy of our pregnancy with others!

All of the love and support has given me the extra boost I've needed.....because I'm pretty sure these TWO babies are trying to kill me. ha! Of course, because it's me and things are ALWAYS complicated.....Ogden Regional Hospital told me that I have a few GALLSTONES that might beat them to it:)

The fun continues!
I will try to stay positive...but I'm just sayin....this blog might not be bookmarked in your favorites for "cute christmas ideas".....or something similarly upbeat:) Instead....I'm gonna get REAL.

Life is TOUGH.

I have been sicker than words can adequately describe.

If I smell food that I have seen/talked about/consumed or cooked in the last 3 months...I will barf.
If I go to my closet and see an outfit or shirt that I've worn in the last 3 months and it sparks a memory of any moment in the last 3 months...I will barf.
If someone eats a pringle....or chews trident fruity flavored gum around me....I will barf.
If I open the cupboard that houses our garbage can...I will barf.
If Jarom sprays Gain scented febreeze...(an absolute favorite....no longer)...I will barf.
If I think about brushing my teeth and actually place a toothbrush in my mouth or near my tongue....I will barf. Multiple times.

----

Most the time I am brave when the clock strikes 8:00 p.m. and it's time for my nightly shot in the butt...but sometimes I cry and beg jarom to let me "skip"...JUST ONCE. My hips are sore...and hard and full of knots. They are bruised and they bleed and sometimes I am so sore I can barely roll over in bed without crying in pain.

----

Last Tuesday evening I ate an entire bag of ritz baked crackers (the sour cream and onion flavor)....and woke up to a pain that convinced me I was going to die. It made IVF and a painful egg retrieval sound like a day at the SPA. Come to find out....Gallbladders don't like sour cream and onion flavored anything.

I truly sweat from every pore for about an hour.

----

I just ordered no less than $800.00 worth of maternity jeans online.
I will most likely hate every pair.
I might end up keeping ONE out of desperation.

------

All of these things...although hard to endure....remind me that I got EXACTLY what I wished/hoped/prayed/ & paid for!

As I lay by the toilet each day....I repeat to myself
"I am lucky. I am lucky. I am lucky!"

I even kinda believe it.
haha.

xoxoxo
me

Santa Baby....

2011-11-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

I'm jumping the gun a bit...and posting my well-thought out Christmas List!

Enjoy

XOXO

Santa baby,

I LOVE this time of year. Did you know I got married in December….because it’s my absolute favorite?! Something about December is super romantic and magical (and it happens to fall between semesters…which is helpful when you simply can't wait until Summer to marry your REALLY cute boyfriend!

(see...he's pretty cute)

I’ve been thinking really hard about my Christmas List this year.

In a way, I feel like I have everything I need, BUT reality tells me I’m gonna need a WHOLE lot if I’m gonna survive 2012. Sorry.

The thing is…my luck has been kinda crummy (as I’m sure you are well awareJ) Ever since February when my health has declined at such a rate I can’t keep up. I have felt kinda picked on. I did my best to stay happy and positive but I must say that I am SOOOO grateful to put 2011 behind me in a few short weeks.

There IS something you can do for me….to redeem 2011 just a smidgen.

Again, I know my Christmas list is quite lengthy….but after the year I’ve had…I kinda deserve it! Agreed??

I have organized it into categories (come on…you know who you’re dealing with hereJ

I will start with the MUST HAVES; The absolute necessities to life at this point. Then finish up my list with a few things that I really really want after this roller coaster year!

MUST HAVES

1. 2 packages of Saltines

2. A C-shaped body pillow that will allow me to get some rest.

3. Dreyer’s Fruit Bars (I’ll take as many packs as you got)

4. Write my Dr. a letter and ask him to “give in” and write me a prescription (with unlimited refills) for Zofran or any anti-barf drug that will work.

5. Miracle lotion that will allow massive stretching with little pain/damage. (Jarom says he’ll buy me a can of Crisco….I know you can do better than thatJ

6. Any kind of stretch pants or comfies with an elastic waistband. I refuse to pretend my jeans fit “comfortably” for one more day.

7. If you could arrange for someone to mount a TV above my toilet….I would greatly appreciate it. I spend the majority of the day sitting in front of that thing gagging….and it’s getting really old.

8. If the giant shots in my hips each night could end…I would be forever indebted to you. I can barely walk. My hips are bruised and full of knots. Why must the needle be 2 inches long??? I know you can come up with a solution! Pah-leaseJ

9. If Jarom could take the next 6 months off work to become my full-time best friend and never leave my side….that would be sweet. He is the only one that can convince me I’m not gonna die. That….and I’m kinda clingy latelyJ

10. A giant freezer full of Sonic crushed ice.

11. My own slurpee machine.

WANTS

1. Double Stroller

2. TWO Keyfit Chicco carseats/bases

3. Petunia Pickle bottom bag for multiples (genius idea…the thing is HUGE)

4. TWO cribs….I have 2 favorites so you can surprise me!

· Munire Majestic Curve Top in Espresso

· Pottery Barn sleigh in white or espresso

5. Some kind of SUV…with 2 rows and a freakish amount of trunk space to cart around my strollers/gear. (I want an Infinity SUV …but I realize I am asking a lot here:)

I have been thinking about what I could get Jaxson for a while now.

The kid seems to have everything.

What I really want to get him has been kind of hard for me to get my hands on lately: a brother or sister.

Unfortunately, they have been sold out for a few years in the Bishop Department StoreJ

However, With lots of dedication, pain and suffering, surgeries and procedures, lots of moolah and even more FAITH….I will be spoiling him rotten this Christmas!

This year I’m finally giving him a sibling!

Well…actually 2.

This little family of three will be a family of 5!

Anything else you bring will be icing on the cakeJ

Yep….I’m gonna be the proud mama of TWINS….and Jaxson is going to be the best big brother and helper I could ask for. He is hoping for 1 brother and 1 sister…but the mom (me) just wants to:

a) survive this experience, b) have 2 healthy babies at the end!

I thought I should let you know that he’s been taking such good care of me and should fly straight to the top of your “NICE” list.

For example, I can’t sleep due to intense feeling of needing to vomit and pain… everywhere. A few weeks ago, I must have fallen to sleep on the couch because I awoke at 2:00 a.m. to my sweetheart Jaxson covering me with a blanket and whispering in my ear “don’t worry mom…it’s just me. I didn’t want the babies to get cold.”

He then gave me a big smooch and walked back to his bed.

I know.

How do I deserve such a sweet boy?!?

It’s been a LONG & difficult road. He has seen a lot. He has witnessed a lot of tears, both happy and sad.

But we are feeling very blessed and JOYFUL this time of yearJ

Feel free to bring Jax LOTS!

Also, feel free to bring everything on my list as wellJ Believe it or not….the list of WANTS/NEEDS is much larger than the few things I’ve written here….especially if I plan on bringing home 2 newborns in MAY/JUNE!

Maybe you could just bring a giant tree that grows money. I could do all the shopping and save you the time wrappingJ

P.S. Jarom deserves something awesome. He has been my rock through this difficult 2 yearsJ 2011 was some cruel joke if you ask me. I spent every penny he made at Doctor’s offices this year…..and he didn’t even complainJ Last night he went to 3 different gas stations and purchased 4 different slushies in search of the perfect drink with large chunks of ice because it was the only thing I was in the mood for!! See what I mean???? He’s awesome. Please bring him something pretty special.

(I could be Waayyyy off here…but I think he’ll be WAY excited about you figuring out a magic way of fixing my nausea, hiring a cook & maid and finding someone who can motivate me to shower daily:)

He deserves at least that:)

With Love & Merry Christmas

November....

2011-11-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

I need to have a better attitude about November.

I don't like it for some reason.

I always view it as the month to prepare for December.

I am always waiting for time to pass in November.

I'm plotting Christmas Gift Ideas and dreading the horrible snow.

-----

Today my friend took Jaxson to Kangaroo Zoo aaaaalllllll day.

She has text me a few times telling me that he is on cloud 9...and sweating bullets!!!

I am sooooo glad he's having fun.

I have sooo many good freinds.

By the time I rolled out of bed this morning, I had 3 texts from friends wanting to take Jaxson to play for the day. Doesn't get sweeter than that!

-----

We haven't been up to much around here.

It was a low key weekend of laying around, the boys playing wii and lots of movies.

I also made Jarom help me take down the Halloween Decor....Hallelujah.

I am trying REALLY hard to resist putting up Christmas.

It's still a little obnoxiously early in my book...but I still want to rebel and get it done!!!

I had this ridiculous idea last year to buy a 12 foot tree. It takes 8 hours to complete....so I can't seem to gear up for it. ugh.

But oh when it's done....I'm in love.

-----

I've been putting together my Christmas List today out of boredom and laziness!

Also-I have been surfing the web which is never good:)

Those of you with 4-5 year old boys....what in the world are you getting them???

How many power wheels can you have before it get's a little excessive?

I think me and Jarom are trying to live through him, because we both wanted one so badly when we were little! Haha!

Mom, why didn't I get the barbie jeep again????

hee hee

------

Seriously, send ideas my way.

My Superhero & Family Halloween Party!

2011-10-30T18:03:00.000-07:00

Our weekend was fun.

I love weekends with lots of plans.

I also love weekends with absolutely no plans and a lot of laying around and eating out....but this one happened to be filled to the brim:)

Friday afternoon we spent some time shopping with Aunt Kayla and Nanny Natalie. We forced the boys to come along with us and got a good start on our Christmas shopping which is always such a great feeling! Following our shopping we went out for Chinese....because Jaxson LOVES getting "emails inside his cookies". ha!

Friday I also took Jaxson's annual Halloween Pictures!

I don't know why costumes make things so much more fun....but they do.

I LOVE taking his pictures every year for Halloween and comparing them to see how much he's grown. We finally hit the year/age in which he had a very big opinion over his costume!!!

----

I tried to sway his decision...but then I realized how lame it is when mother's try to control things like Halloween when I don't think there is more of a holiday meant for being a KID!

We headed to the store a few weeks ago in search of the perfect costume.

IT HAD TO BE a SUPERHERO!!!!

It was a necessity. An absolute must in his book.

(I love little boys)

---------------

Pardon me while I post a ridiculous number of photo's of my little

BATMAN!

The cutest Batman that I've ever laid eyes on. Oh my:)

LOVE LOVE LOVE that boy.

He laughed and laughed while he ran around the park letting his cape flow behind him.

It was a fun afternoon for me.

I think it must be part of being a MOTHER....but seeing him light up and giggle makes me forget everything else momentarily and just love the moment!

Jaxson,

Four years old is a blast! Each stage brings something wonderful...but I am really really really having a lot of fun with you right now:) You have been the easiest child on the planet. Nanny reminds me regularly how ridiculously easy you make my life. You are very mature and responsible for 4 years old. You take great care of me and have such a tender heart. You love every single superhero and it took us WEEKS of discussing the pro's and con's of each before deciding on one for this years Halloween Costume! You are very much ALL-BOY and love everything sports, Dinosaurs, trucks and anything with an engine! You love video games and playing soccer and baseball with your daddy. You love Dr. Pepper and late night runs for a lime-ricki and redbox:) You are spoiled but you're all we've got.....SO, oh well!

You have made us so happy and continue to make things more fun with your animation and constant negotiations (more candy, no bedtime, sleeping in the middle, etc.) The classic things you come up with keep us laughing and although lately you have become more and more opinionated....we wouldn't trade ya for the world.

Happy Halloween Little Man!

Love, Mom

------------------------------------

Saturday was spent at Nanny's Big Halloween Party!

She always makes things a lot of fun for you.

She started the party by telling you that a HUGE spider had spun a web all over the yard and left a note that you needed to follow it! You loved it. You haven't stopped talking about that crazy Spider since. About 10 times today you've asked questions about him and his whereabouts?!?

IT was HIT!

(pardon me again while I post/document this experience with 5 pictures of him gathering a web:)

(Hey...it's my journal.)

That crazy spider strung it around every bush, tree, car, and plant in nanny's yard! It was quite the task gathering it all up and untangling his web.

At the end of the web was a large bag full of Halloween Presents!

All of the 10 adults had a good laugh watching your excitement as you opened everything.

Afterward the girls mod-podged pumpkins to decorate for Thanksgiving. It was a lot of fun....because my brother Ryan and his wife Kelsey took a break from Law School and came to visit for the weekend. Jaxson was ecstatic to see them!

We all played Halloween Bingo and Jaxson won a handful of prizes.

I won Peanut Butter M&M's (my weakness) and I hid them in the bottom of my purse:)

I thought that sounded completely reasonable...afterall, Jaxson had his own gigantic bag of treats and I didn't want to share mine.

Today after church Jaxson found them and I heard him run into the other room to Jarom and ask "Dad, what are these"....to which Jarom responded "there M&M's Jax...looks like mom is hoarding her treats again!"

aaagggghhhhhh! That made me laugh so hard.

Today, Jaxson (a.k.a. BATMAN) got a BAT tattoo.

He is now officially ready for tomorrow.

We're gonna top off the Holiday by carving pumpkins here in a minute and then I think we've celebrated this season to the fullest. I am ready for it to be over:) haha.

Does that sound boring of me?!? I am only 27 and I feel like all my fun is gone:)

Have a wonderful Sunday evening and a very

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Love,

BATMAN

Fall Stuff with the Family...

2011-10-28T12:31:00.002-07:00

We spent last weekend at Cherry Hill (Scary Hill)!
It was HOT.

It was relaxing and nice to get out of the house, enjoy the weather and do something fun with the little man. I've been trying to get lots done while Jarom's at work lately....so the minute he get's home we can do something with Jaxson.

Some nights I catch up on my TVO....and the boys play mario brothers...but I count that too, cuz Jaxson seems to like that just as much as anything on the planet:)

Jax was going through withdrawals and missing Jarom like crazy the last few weeks. He would freak out when Jarom left for work in the mornings and it broke my heart. I can't blame him....watching me lay around and get well wasn't too exciting for him.

So I've been cramming and making up for lost time:)
We started off with miniature golf....

-----

Like most little boys....he idealizes his Father.
We let him choose several fun activities he wanted to do after miniature golf...ONLY he didn't want to do any of them. THE ONLY thing he wanted was to WATCH his daddy hit baseballs.

Jarom usually does what Jaxson wants.
It's me that's the boring one.
Jarom spent the next 30 minutes in the batting cage sweating his guts out while Jaxson watched in awe! Jaxson was screaming "This is awesome! Take his head off dad! Wahoo!"
It made me laugh.

Take who's head off anyway????
Oh boy. He was excited to say the least.

So....jarom and I watched the funniest date of all time unfold before our eyes while we were there.
A couple (dating and in their early 30's-ish) were spending the day at Scary Hill for a Date.
After miniature golfing I saw them decide on climbing "THE ROCK". It's humungous and would scare the crap out of me to be honest. Anyhow...Jarom and I were watching Jaxson play in the ball pit and I got a front row seat to the entire awkwardness of it all!!! The poor, slightly overweight man on the date was harnassed in and desperately trying to climb this bloody rock wall. He was dripping in sweat and seriously could not get even 6 inches off the ground. It was awful. He kept trying and trying and trying...and sweating and sweating and blaming the rock:) My favorite part was when he ripped off his shoes and thought scaling the Huge thing in socks was the trick. Ummmm......Nope. He didn't make it even 3 inches off the ground on that attempt.

Jarom was dying!
He LOVES awkward situations and thinks they are hilarious.
I HATE awkward situations and want to run and hide.
I usually can't hide my emotions/feelings and they are pretty visible by taking one glance at my face:)

Jarom kepts saying "Why in the crap wouldn't you think of something you CAN DO if you are taking a girl on a date!!!"

I kept sticking up for him saying "It is probably a LOT harder than it looks! It take a lot of muscle to pull yourself up and balance, etc.!"

----

TO make matters worse....he gave up and decided to give his date a try. Now...this woman was far from "the picture of health" but she flew up that thing with a small boost on the rear end from her Date. He was pushing her butt up the rock with his hands....and you can only imagine Jarom's
commentary and "narrations" to the entire thing.

Jarom leans to me and says, "That poor man is thinking...screw humiliating myself moments ago....this is the best date idea ever!"

....as he is just hoisting her with both hands right on her cheeks and her underwear in his face:)

oooohhhhhhh.....I guess you had to be there.
F.U.N.N.Y.

---

You guessed it.
Jarom then had to prove to me he could conquer THE ROCK.

He climbed it Twice.
My big strong man.:) ha!
....and then admitted on our walk to the car that he couldn't feel or use his forearms for the remainder of the day....

ppppffffffff.

I guess it was a bit harder than it looked:)

-----
I am feeling great now! Thank goodness. It's been a while since I had any ability or motivation to leave the house. this week I haven't stopped. My brother and sister-in-law took a three day weekend from Law School and are up visiting for our Big Halloween Party tomorrow night!

We took Jaxson to Black Island Farms for FHE and had a pizza party with a group of friends afterwards! It gave me an excuse to make an entire pan of pumpkin squares...so it was fun:)

----

We also had a FULL day yesterday...with TWO preschool Halloween Party's.
Costumes give kids ridiculous amounts of extra energy.
WOW.

It was fun day for them though:)

My little Superhero was in rare form.
He puts on the costume and warps into HYPER.
I love it though.

Something about those fake biceps makes me melt!

-----

Today he had play-group (one of the best inventions ever) and I got to drop him off to play with all the neighborhood boys while I cleaned and showered and read and relaxed for the morning.

His best bud Ben is upstairs playing the Wii with him at the moment....and I can hear them negotiating star power and who gets to be Luigi and all that jazz.
They just had macaroni and cheese and dirt cups with gummy worms for lunch.
I wish I had his life.

My little squirt
October 27th, 2011

Have a wonderful Halloween!!!

Love, Me

p.s. I am obsessed with the following shows this Fall:
Revenge
Grey's Anatomy
Biggest Loser
X-Factor
Modern Family
Dancing with the Stars
The New Girl
Glee
Up all Night

This is the first time I've watched TV in YEARS.

I can't believe what I've been missing!
Being lazy is glorious:)

Me

what we've been up too!!!

2011-10-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

Due to bedrest and surgery and all the laying around...we haven't been up to much around here!

The last week has been more exciting and eventful that the past 6 combined....but we'll take it!

Just a few snapshots of our week....

------------------------------------------------------------------------

SMORES on the deck....

Warming toesies with dad....

Pumpkin Patch!

Smarty Pants Field Trip!

Feeding goats!

Wild man on the slide!

Dance Party with the Preschoolers!

Picnic Lunch at the park!

Lots of Dr. Pepper for the little man....His guilty pleasure.

Attempting monkey bars solo...cuz mom can't lift anything!

Cheeto's!

Rock Climbing:)

----------------------

Tonight is Date Night and Miniature Golfing with the little man.

Most likely out to dinner...cuz I haven't cooked in a month and the weekend is NOT the time to start:)

Monday we are headed to Black Island Farms for FHE.

We've invited almost 10 different families/friends so we are hoping to see lots of familiar faces and enjoy the Fall weather now that I can finally leave the house/couch/my bed!! Yay:)

Have a great weekend.

Soccer Season ends:(

2011-10-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

Saturday was Jaxson's last soccer game of the Fall Season.

We start again in the SPRING and Jaxson claims that he'll never survive the wait:)

---

His soccer games were stressful and equally as exciting for me to watch!
Each game I got more and more into it:)
I fully admit that I am one of the crazies.
I start screaming things and getting all frustrated and anxious...then suddenly remember where I'm at and what I'm doing. (Example: Kristin...they are FOUR and they get a box of goldfish and a twinkie for winning...not a gold medal for pete sake!) That being an example of my innner-conversations with myself after recognizing that I've been screaming at my son to RUN RUN RUN at the top of my lungs for 3 minutes without stopping to take a breath.

---

I had surgery last week and was supposedly on "bedrest" during his last game.
Needless to say, NOTHING would keep me from being there. SO I did what any other mother would do and I waddled and limped to my usual spot on the sidelines.

Jarom gave me rules before agreeing that I could go.
Such as: No yelling. No screaming. No getting OVER-EXCITED.
Especially because I was breaking all the rules by moving my butt from the couch.

I tried.
I failed.

So please ignore the shouting you'll hear...during the small video clip of a few of his goals this game!
Jarom kindly edited many of my outbursts out of the clip.

---

Jaxson made HUGE improvements this season and eventually got over his "tender feelings" about stealing the ball away from the other team:)

I wasn't up to lugging my giant camera across the field on Saturday (I just had surgery remember:)...but my sister snapped a few shots of him in action. They crack me up.

He gets his skills and speed from from his dad...and the drama from his mother:)

(I am almost certain that he was proud of himself on this move)
He spun around with a grin and gave us a big thumbs up immediately afterward.

----

I think he's following in his dad's footsteps: he eats and breaths sports.

Jarom LOVED soccer when he was Jaxson's age.

Jarom's mom and brother's have told me for YEARS that when he was in elementary school he refused to wear jeans. He would ONLY wear sweatpants to school for YEARS....because jeans slowed him down! haha!

Sounds like he hasn't changed much.
I have to barter for time with him between all of his "games" each week.
I always knew what I was getting when I married him...I just didn't realize that I could CLONE him.
haha!

-----

Jaxson's third game of the season. A few of his many goals! Wahoo:)
Go my baby! #6

Tomorrow is our pumpkin patch field trip for preschool! It will be nice to get out of the house:) It is honestly one of my first outings in weeks. I am sick of "recovery" and ready to enjoy the 2 weeks we have left of FALL! Please don't snow....please don't snow....please don't snow.

I hope somebody has been able to enjoy the beautiful weather!

Love,

reality...

2011-10-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't plan on posting...or blogging tonight.

Heck, I haven't even washed or styled my hair for 3 days...why would I have time to browse pinterest or form thoughts important enough to write down?!?

Did I mention I have the worst sinus infection/chest cold in the free world???

I do.

---

Add that to the ever growing list of things that are wrong with me and it was crisis mode at my house the last few days.

Tuesday night my mom arrived and saved me.

She brought homemade chicken noodle soup...and took my child far away where I wouldn't have to pretend to "enjoy" fighting with light sabers, cut his peanut butter jelly sandwhich into a pumpkin shape with a cookie cutter, fill 6-8 sippies of milk a day and heaven forbid: think of something to cook for dinner.

---

A moment ago I scrolled back through my blog and noticed a post from only about 1 MONTH ago. I said something along the lines of: My goals for Fall are to...

1-take evening walks with my boys

2-make a homemade dinner instead of hitting bajio everynight:)

3- Give Jaxson a bedtime!

---

THAT was honestly one of the funniest things I've read in FOREVER!!!

I have been so sick and stressed and overwhelmed that I haven't thought ANYTHING was funny in a while. (except yesterday's episode of Modern Family of course:) and that list of goals, although admirable, was PRETTY DARN HILARIOUS.

---

When I compared my "GOALS" to the "REALITY" of the last month...I laughed hysterically. It's a good thing...because I could have really felt like a failure, but I'm too tired to cry.

The truth:

1- I haven't "walked" or exercised in an entire month. Unless you count taking laundy upstairs AND I mostly pile it on the stairs and make Jaxson do it.

2- We HAVE eaten at Bajio 4 out of the last 6 nights (including tonight). I almost understand spanish...and they don't even need to ask what I want anymore. By the way, the other 2 nights my mother drove to layton and cooked my family dinner while I about died.

3- Jaxson doesn't have a bedtime and I need to accept that he never will. I have this wierdo idea that "good mothers" enforce bedtimes. Therefore, I inflict a great deal of guilt on myself when it's 11:00 p.m. and Jaxson is still watching netflix. Why do I care?? I haven't gotten in trouble for it in 4.5 years...and I probably won't. Also, the odds of me losing at "worlds greatest mother" are pretty good and he still loves me. I've got to let this dream/goal go I think:)

---

Life is hard right now!

I'm not accomplishing as much as I'd like to right now!

I am REALLY leaning on my friends, neighbors and family right now!

I am probably stressing my husband out right now!

and it's ok.

Cuz, nobody's perfect.

...and as my bestest friend Rachel said to me during my "free" therapy session today on her couch

"this too shall pass"

---

I can't wait til it does....

I have big plans.

AND A GIGANTIC LIST OF people to Thank and Serve and Make it up to:)

Traumatized:)

2011-10-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

I use that word daily.
Most the time I'm exaggerating.

The thing is...this time I'm not.

---

I had the most traumatizing night of my life last Wednesday.

I'll start from the beginning.

Jaxson is best friends with a darling little neighbor acrossed the street, BEN.

He LIVES at their house and begs to go to Ben's from the moment he wakes up until well after dark.

They treat him like a member of the family and it works...because I'm in love with Ben's mom too:)

---

Monday night Jaxson fell to sleep on the couch.

Jarom got home from a late night basketball game and carried Jaxson to his bed.

Jarom and I retired to the bonus room to watch our recorded episode of "Modern Family".

We fall to sleep in the bonus room EVERY night....and Jaxson knows this. He has wandered in COUNTLESS times in the middle of the night and climbed onto the couch with us and slept there.

Well---I woke up in the middle of the night....looked over and saw Jarom and Jaxson sleeping and realized we better move down to our bed where we could hear our alarm clock!

I nudged Jarom and told him to follow me downstairs.

I walked down the hall and started down the steps...when I realized my front door was WIDE OPEN and I was staring at the pitch black night...my entryway was freezing....and my deadbolt was no longer deadbolted.

Ummmm?????

HOLY *%$&!

----

My heart has never pumped that fast in all it's life.

See---I CLEARLY remember deadbolting every single door in my house only a few hours before....and all the scenarios flooding my mind came up with the same conclusion:

Someone was in my house.

Well...I booked it back upstairs and told Jarom the fun news: That, of course, he get's to go downstairs and save us from whatever freakish thing was happening.

Jarom didn't look too "calm and collected" when I told him.

We were sporting our pj's (garments:):) and were half-asleep....and BAM...moments later I swear I could have attacked a grown man with my bare hands. I have never felt so much adrenaline.

---

Jarom walks downstairs and notices that our garage door is open as well...and after roaming the basement (unfinished might I add) he see's that door open too!

What in the crap???

---

Jarom then remembers that when Jaxson climbed onto the couch a little while earlier he was upset. He kept saying to Jarom "Dad, you didn't tell me where you went!" over and over.

Our minds were racing for an answer! Why were the doors open?!?!

We immediately turn and ask Jaxson if he looked for us outside???

"Yep", he answered.

----

Ok...SO...
this is what happened.....

My baby got out of his bed...in the middle of the night....wandered down to my bedroom and I wasn't there. He then looked in my closet, bathroom, kitchen and garage...before deciding that we had left him (ya right) and then he booked it out of there.

He walked...in pajama's...in the pitch black middle of the night...down the sidewalk, acrossed the street and to his friend Ben's house. He couldn't find me and he didn't know what to do so he went to Rachel's.

He knocked and knocked...and rang that doorbell over and over....meanwhile, scaring the crap out of them.They didn't answer (I wouldn't have either, in the middle of the night!!...) he grabbed his yellow blanket and made the walk back to our house with his little bare feet....up the front steps and into our BLACK DARK house.

He continued his search.
He didn't cry. He didn't scream.

(sidenote: I looked outside and the very THOUGHT of walking down the sidewalk made me so scared I was shaking....I have no idea how my child dared do that!!!)

When he found us sound asleep in the bonus room (which by the way...is the first place he ever comes to find us) he just climbed up on the couch and snuggled up to Jarom and went to sleep.

---

It wasn't until I woke up and noticed the doors open that I realized how long he looked for us and all that he had done.

It was honestly traumatizing for me to picture my child walking around outside in the middle of the night by himself. I bawled and bawled.

When I talked to my friend the next morning...sure enough...she thought some neighbor teenagers were pranking or trying to scare them...and it just broke our hearts to think of Jaxson outside, not being able to find me. He went to the safest place he knew.

It scared the crap out of me. And showed me how smart that little stinker is.

I am so happy he knows where to go and that he remained calm and did what he thought was best.

BUT
if he ever ever ever does that again....I will die.
---

In the following days....no matter how many times I've talked with him about it...he defends leaving this house!!! I've told him to never leave the house again without mommy knowing...but he sticks to his decision. He argues and argues with me and says...

"My brain just kept telling me to FIND MOM."

---

Well, Needless to say we will be getting an alarm system.

NOT A SINGLE DOOR OR WINDOW will open at this house without me knowing.

Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll have added features such as:
SHOCKING ANYONE WHO APPROACHES OR LEAVES THE HOUSE AFTER MIDNIGHT.

They coud do that couldn't they? If they have those invisible fences for dogs...they should have advanced versions for adults, right???

Well...I will let you all know.
I won't stop until I've researched the crap out of it.

----

More about the the relaxing conference weekend later:)

Pedicure with mom, Bajio for dinner, took Jaxson to see "Dolphin Tale", conference, naps, YUMMY FOOD....and smores by the fire.

Now....the boys are asleep and
*
*
*
*
I'm not.
Like usual.

It's only 1:00 a.m.
Not bad.

Firepit, Family Home Evening & the Red dragons!

2011-09-28T00:07:00.001-07:00

Tonight was nice.

I am REALLY enjoying the firepit on the deck might I add:)

At sunset, me and Jax headed outside to relax by the fire and wait for daddy to come home from work.

Tomorrow night it's SMORES with the little man. wahoo:)

Jaxson wanted to lay on my lap and sing the 3rd verse of "book of mormon stories"...which I do not know....and it frustrates the crap out of him:) They learned in it primary and he begs me to sing it DAILY. I guess it's time I looked it up and memorized it!

----

Last night I was feeling particularly kind:) haha.

It all started a few weeks back when Jaxson started praying that his birthday would come so we could go to Boondocks bowling. (His 4th bday was a bowling party at Boondocks).

I laughed and promised the child that we could go BOWLING before his next bday.

I kept my promise.

We had a wonderful night watching our little man run around BOONDOCKS.

He gets so excited....it's priceless.

---

First was Go-karts!

Little boy heaven.

Second was arcade games!

Of course, Jaxson went straight for the Dino Machine!

He remembered it PERFECTLY from his bday. Daddy helped him rob the thing back in March...by grabbing multiple dino's at once instead of just ONE. Well....Jaxson was determined to take home another handful of Dino's.

Daddy didn't disappoint.

We ended the night with BOWLING.

Jaxson get's really into it all: picking the ball, carrying it and throwing it himself, keeping score, etc.

I looked like a train wreck from my afternoon nap:) hee hee.

BUT....this is proof I was there....regardless of how scary I looked....and I was having a fabulous time watching my boys together.

----

On a side note: I ate dinner with this little stinker this evening:)

What a goofball.

and yes....we had scrambled eggs and toast for dinner.

what can I say?!?

I'm not running at 100% lately:)

-----

Lastly,

Meet the RED DRAGONS!

Jaxson's La Roca Soccer Team

darling darling and darling

Getting a little bit of sideline advice from dad:)

-----

We've had a lot of fun this week...and accomplished quite a bit considering it's Tuesday night:)

I re-stained and lacquered my entire staircase and banister, planted a few plants and bulbs for spring, spent HOURS teaching little ones, planned Smarty Pants Preschool's Pumpkin Patch Field Trip, decorated the house and porch for Halloween (yeahhhh!!!) and managed to squeeze in some fun things with Jaxson.

Of course, the never sleeping helps with getting a lot done. I wouldn't recommend it:):) BUT...staying up all night will surely get things crossed off your list.

What I wouldn't give for a 8 hours straight of sleep!!!!

---

Have a wonderful week!

a deck...

2011-09-25T00:14:00.000-07:00

It's after midnight and I can't sleep.

Again.

---

I have been watching x-factor, bawling like a baby for the past 2 hours. Last night I stayed up until after 3:00 watching The biggest Loser Premier. I bawled a ridiculous amount of tears for those people too.

I bawl over everything these days. It is getting quite ridiculous.

----

I'm turning to mush....and I used to be tough and quite sassy:)

Heaven forbid I pass one of the many corners with a bum....especially if they are holding a sign that says ANYTHING about being "hungry" or "willing to work". I have broken into sobs....and highly considered flippling a U-turn, rolling down my window and just tossing them my Visa. (dang it...I never carry cash and I need too for instances like this!!!)

See.....MUSH.

I blame EVERYTHING on my hormones lately....so whether it's that or not, I'm stickin to it.

----

I Love being a mother lately. (opposed to the days I don't. hee hee)

Maybe it's soccer season...or picking out halloween costumes....or helping him pick a pumpkin....or just the fact that he gives me purpose each day....but I am sure in love with that boy of mine.

I've been writing him LOTS of letters. I've been so good at keeping a journal lately too. I want to remember this. I want to remember him at 4.5. I want him to know someday how much fun he made my life.

Most importantly, how he saved me during this time of trial after trial and sickness and struggle.

---

Dear Jaxson,

Tonight I had an idea. I wanted to take you in the mountains. I wanted a campfire and I wanted you to roast marshmallows. I wanted to cuddle up with you and sing songs and spend time away from the distractions: the Wii, Smashbrothers, your Ipad, etc:) I was being selfish...and I wanted the 2.5 year old version of you back...the one that only wanted ME. But...as you know, mommy's been really sick lately and I knew that wasn't gonna happen for a while. So---I did what I always do when I get an idea in my head. I am stubborn and I felt guilty about being sick all the time (and don't mess with a mother in-guilt). I decided right then that I would bring the campfire to you:) I found the perfect one ....and made daddy load it up and assemble it immediately.

You were so excited to make smores you couldn't stand it.

I LIVE to see you excited and happy little man. You cuddled up with "yellow" (your favorite blanket) who is like the Fourth member of our family...and the three of us cuddled and I sang you to sleep by the campfire outside. It was so relaxing. You fell asleep in my arms and I looked at you and KNEW that it was one of the last times it would happen. You are getting so big....it's difficult for me to even carry you or rock you in my arms these days. I was so sad...but so happy that you will always be mine. How are you almost 5?

I remember the first time I held you...and I remember examining every inch. I remember looking at you and having NO CLUE what little personality was inside. I loved you immediately...but I didn't know just how much I would adore your whit and your spirit. It's been so fun getting to know you. I'm a pretty lucky woman.

A few weeks back we were driving in the car and you are always DEEP in thought during car rides. You piped up and asked me a question that shocked me and made me bawl (big surprise). You said..."Mom, why do you always tell people that you're ugly...or that you look awful...when I think your the most bute-iful woman in the world."

I didn't know what to say.

You are much to smart and in-tune for 4 years old.

You teach mommy a thing or two every single day.

Last week we were visiting little Brigham City and mommy pointed out the new TEMPLE being built. The entire outside of it was covered in scaffolding and workers were slaving away on the outside.

As we are driving down Main Street...You exclaimed....

"Awesome Mom! Jesus is getting a Deck!"

Me= (gut laughing)

You are one hilarious little man. You thought the heavy construction outside the temple must surely mean that a DECK...complete with a BBQ grill and a picnic table was being built!

It was one of those classic Jaxson-isms that had me calling every grandma, grandpa, aunt and uncle all day long!

Your new line is "This is the life."

You say it all the time...and it always makes me laugh.

Today you were sitting in the back of grandpa's truck with a pile of newly picked pumpkins and you looked over at me and said "Ahhhh...this is the life!"

When I buy you an icee at Sam's Club...."Mom...this is the life!"

When I get you out of the shower and your lotioning your "rashes".....(one teeeennnyyyy ttttiiiinnnyyy mosqito bite on your leg)..."This is the LIFE!".

Oh Jaxson...What would I do without you???

Thanks for making me laugh.

Thanks for making me feel good about myself:)

Thanks for being mine.

----

P.S.

Sorry for embarrassing you at your soccer game today. I realize you are only 4...but mom get's REEAAALLLY into it.

Grandpa looked at me and said "Is it the State Tournament?!?!"

It might as well have been....for the shouting I was doing.

Sorry, son.

(I'm pretty sure dad got the WHOLE thing on video)

It will get worse, I promise.

We have LOTS AND LOTS of years of me cheering you on from the sidelines ahead of us:)

I will try and behave.

Love, Mom

More....

2011-09-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

I have had another FULL week.

I need to exercise more....or figure out something to get my butt in shape cuz chasing 24 preschoolers for 10 hours a week is doing me in!!! Doesn't sound like much....but...believe me, I sweat from every pore for those 5 hours each day. Then I spend another 15 plus hours preparing.

I was exhausted by Thursday afternoon:)

The perfect (and humiliating example) was when Jaxson walked to the neighbors today, knocked and announced...

"I am here to play! My mom is going to take a nap."

I laughed. Then curled up on the couch and zonked.

I might have called Jarom and told him how awful it was...but how I didn't have enough energy to walk next door, apologize and explain.

I am mother of the year right here.

---

So...I've watched the movie RIO with Jaxson about 4 more times since yesterday afternoon...and threw together a few more scrapbook pages while I sat.

Jaxson has another soccer game in the morning and I'm having a lot of fun watching my little man:) I wish I could figure out how to post a video clip of his goals. He makes me smile! My new video camera makes the files to big or something. That...and I'm far from technical, so the odds of figuring it out are slim to none:)

After his soccer game....I'll decide if we should attack our TO-DO list or lay on the couch.

-----

For now...it's 1:00 a.m. and the insomnia is in full-force. I am watching the Notebook (very very bad idea) and watching video clips of my baby.

Like this one.

You have no clue how badly I want to press the rewind button on my life....back to that exact moment.

That little boy is everything to me.

He sure LOVED a bat and a ball before he could even talk.

----

On to the pages....

Lake Powell (June trip)

Tumbling Recital June 2011

Mother's Day May 2011

Bee's Game August 2011

Only a few more pages before 2011 is all caught up.

Feels good.

Happy Weekend!

Love, Me

Scrapbook Pages!

2011-09-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

Well....I have been working on one of my goals:)

I decided upon these goals...ummm...yesterday...so it's only been one day of staying on task...but I am pretty proud of myself. I am trying to SIMPLIFY and instead of running around crazy busy like usual....I am staying home a few days a week and just hanging out with the little man. I scrubbed all the bathrooms today, then read books with Jaxson and we are currently watching "RIO" while I crank out scrapbook pages. I love digital scrapbooking because I can take a 6 month break and then get all caught up in a matter of weeks. LOVE that...because sometimes I'm just not in the mood to scrapbook.

----

I will be posting TONS more on my scrapbook blog later today.

This is a sneak peek at what I did from midnight to 3:00 a.m. last night:)

I should have known better than to take a nap!

I absolutely CANNOT TAKE A NAP...if I want to sleep at night.

---

Yesterday I cuddled up to Jarom, who was snoring on the couch, and dozed off for about 45 mintues.

Crap.

I finally forced myself to climb into bed and sleep at about 3:30 a.m.

---

You've seen all these pictures before....but now they are finally in layouts and ready to be printed in my 2011 book. Hallelujah.

ENJOY

---

First day of Preschool 2011

The kid is obsessed with Dinosaurs! I bought him a Paint your own Dino kit and he LOVED every second of it. I could have died at this kit:) It is from Sweet Shoppe...my favorite! Name: Stone Age

Jaxson turned 4 years old back in March! I like to document each year in my scrapbooks and write them a bday letter. I also do a page like this....with updated pictures of them around their bday and a list of things about them at this age:)

....and Peach Days 2011....which was exactly 2 days ago:) Wahoo.

I decided to hurry and get it done while I was editing the pictures.

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All pages were made in Photoshop by ME...I don't use templates or software that designs the layouts for me....for the several emails I will get wondering what program I use!

Also....ALL kits were purchased from Sweet Shoppe.

Names of kits are below:

Stone Age: Dino Pages

Easily Amused: Carnival Pages

Artists Canvas: 4 years old pages

ABCDEFUN: Back to Preschool pages

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Love,
Me